A couple of years ago, I was attending a baby shower with my mom. I was shoving a chocolate cupcake into my mouth when one of her co-workers approached me and said the one thing no daughter ever wants to hear: "You are so much like your mother."
No, this can't be happening. (Pssst, female co-worker of my mother: I am nothing — I repeat, nothing — like my mother. You hear?)
Now, before it sounds like turning into my mother is my worst fear, let it be known that it's not necessarily a bad thing. My mother is a vibrant woman. She's a strong, fiercely independent person who isn't afraid to stand up for herself or what she believes in.
Sure, she typically ordered us takeout and often turned to my dad whenever I needed a pair of jeans hemmed. But hey, we can't all be homemakers.
But, I'm pretty sure every woman fears the day when she'll suddenly become her mother. You know, it's the day when you look into the mirror and no longer see a young, bushy-eyed, individualistic woman. Instead, you see a reflection of what you'll look like in 20 years.
You know the type. You will become the person who diplomatically tries to even out every awkward situation. You'll be the kind of person who has complete, random conversations with the cashier at Target, giving her an inspiring speech about how working in retail is only temporary.
You'll be the person who calls at the worst time every single day. You will become your mother.
Here are 10 obvious signs you've suddenly morphed into your mommy dearest:
- Whenever someone at your job brings in a dozen donuts, you immediately gravitate toward the plain, glazed one because your stomach can't handle too much sweetness.
- You've started a sentence with, "You know, kids today," and you have actually believed everything you were saying.
- Likewise, you've also said this sentence once or twice to people who have tailgated you: "Oh? You're tailgating me. Let me just drop my speed to 5 then, OK?" Then, your foot will gently slide down onto the brake pedal because you like to teach those driving too close to your bumper a lesson.
- You cry during commercials, and especially during that Cheerios one where the little kid talks about eating his breakfast cereal with his dead grandmom. Bye, I'm now dead inside.
- You also hate today's music. Like, is The Weeknd just one guy or a group? God dammit, why don't you know these things?
- You're now really nostalgic and sentimental about your past. Aw, I can't possibly throw away the book, "Biscuit." This is the first book I ever read by myself, and I want it to be the first book my child reads by him- or herself. Dear God, am I talking about children?
- You've lectured your best friend about drinking and driving at least once. You've said, "If you drink too much, just call me and I'll pick you up." Then, you went ahead and drove to the bar at midnight without her knowledge and shoved her in your passenger seat because you were afraid she wouldn't call. You just wanted to protect her.
- You pee a little when you laugh. (Don't lie.)
- You stock up on Activia yogurt like the apocalypse is about to happen.
- You used to hate it when your mom would lecture you endlessly about how everything always happens for a reason, how you need to be strong, how you should never give up and how high school eventually does end. But now, you know it's totally true. So, you routinely give these inspirational speeches to your young, 20-something co-workers, roommates and (gulp) even your teenage neighbor. Said neighbor also suddenly looks at you like you're an actual, knowledgeable adult.
Now, go out and buy yourself a pair of mom jeans. Who am I kidding? You already own one.