So, anal sex is a thing that people do. Often, I have no reason why because it really can be one of the most nerve-racking experiences. I've done it from time to time (mostly on the top side), but I occasionally take one for the team.
I've experienced multiple types of buttholes in my sexual experiences. There were the ones like "The Sword In The Stone," and baby, I am not Arthur. So, it was hard getting it in and out. Then, there are those that I could literally sublet for an extended period of time, and it opens wider than my NYC apartment.
I've also taken a look at mine. Personally, I think it looks better with no flash on, but hey, that's what we have filters for. Jokes aside, though, anal sex can be fun. But, it's also is an experience that can be quite stressful.
Thoughts are literally running through my head the entire time, which can often ruin the mood. Here are five internal questions I have during anal sex:
1. Is this gonna hurt?
Things are going good. You're getting into the mood, kissing and taking off your clothes. Then, it happens: You see it.
My immediate thought is, “That thing is going inside of me?” How? How exactly do you plan on sticking that thing in me, and how am I supposed to relax enough to actually feel pleasure?
For anyone out there contemplating anal sex, know this: Yes, it does hurt at first. But if you can actually allow your body to relax (don't be surprised if you can't), it can become enjoyable.
2. Am I clean?
Now, this can be the most serious thought you have in your head during anal sex. Like seriously, the question will never get out your mind.
One of the reasons I don't like to bottom is because I love McDonald's too much. This means I like to eat, and eating produces bowels, which can be the ultimate anal sex killer.
I'm not going to lie; if I'm topping someone, I will stick a good little finger in there just to see. If it comes out a stinky pinky, then we are going to have to settle on other things.
Without fail, when your partner is done, you will glance at that condom and pray you didn't leave a little parting gift.
3. How do I look?
This question is all too real also. Most of the time, I'm wondering what I look like during sex. Do I look bored? Do I look like I'm in pain? Can he tell I'm thinking about the ending of an "Law and Order: SVU" episode instead of being in the moment?
I think a lot of people have this question, though. Sex is weird, and you can end up in a lot of awkward positions.
Yet, you still want to look cute. You don't want your partner to look down on you and wonder why he's f*cking an alien.
Hopefully you have a partner who continually reassures you during sex that you are beautiful. Sex can be a beautiful thing, and it never hurts to be reassured that your partner is into it and you.
4. Are you done yet?
This one really needs no explanation. Sex is fun and all, but seriously, I thought we were running a 100-yard dash, not a marathon.
My experience has been that the longer it takes, the less enjoyable it becomes. I don't have a time frame, but trust that you will know when enough is enough. You'll know when it's time for you to finish or just get off me already.
5. Why did I do that?
You're not asking yourself this question out of shame or anything because quite frankly, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say that afterward, there is a process that involves you and the toilet for an extended period of time.
If you're lucky, it's right away. If you're not that lucky, it can be when you least expect it. This can be when you're three stops away on the C train and have to fart, but know better.
I am sure there are many other thoughts and questions that run through my mind during anal sex, but those are the ones that stand out. I'm not trying to deter anyone from doing it, so please go out and try it at least once.
Just know that the thoughts you are going to have are completely normal, and 99 percent of people who do it have the same exact ones. So, have fun and be safe, kids.