For college students, romance is a farfetched concept.
Each year, tens of thousands of 17- to 22-year-old men and women wistfully roam quads and frat rows in hopes of finding their soulmate, their one true love to sweep them off their feet and make them feel special for the rest of their lives.
Or, at the very least, they hope to find someone to eat dinner with on a regular basis. Or maybe someone to get dinner with once. Just once. Even lunch would be fine.
But, alas, they come up empty. Because romance is dead.
When I was a college student, people's idea of romance was receiving a text before midnight on a Friday night, liking someone's profile picture or asking to be beer pong partners.
If you actually went to a decent off-campus restaurant and got a meal that was paid for with something that wasn't a campus ID card (also known as going on a real date), you might as well have been married because that literally never happened.
In their quest for real romance, college students have set their bars so low that "common decency" and "not being a douchebag" are seen as romantic gestures.
Here are 56 things college students think are romance but -- and I hate to be the one to break it to you -- simply aren't.
1. When he soberly says "hi" to you in the quad.
2. When you stand next to each other at a football game.
3. When you make out against a wall or in a corner.
4. When he teaches you how to play flip cup.
5. When you go to a formal/date party together.
6. When he changes his sheets for you before you come over.
7. When you Netflix and chill.
8. When you study in the library together.
9. When he asks you to come over via Facebook Messenger.
10. When you get dinner in the dining hall.
11. When you run into him at the dining hall, and he invites you to sit down with him and his roommate.
12. When he buys you anything with his campus ID card.
13. When he says he wants to be there with you the first time you do hard drugs.
14. When you sit next to him on the couch while he and his friends play video games.
15. When you sit next to each other in class every day.
16. When you're beer pong partners.
17. When you hang out in public in the daytime.
18. When you receive a text before midnight.
19. When he texts you back in a timely manner.
20. When he sends you any kind of mass Snapchat.
21. When you're on each other's best friends list on Snapchat.
22. When he's the first one to watch your Snap story.
23. When you go on an alcohol run together.
24. When you're under 21, and he buys alcohol for you.
25. When he holds your hair back for you while you're puking from drinking.
26. When his roommates acknowledge your presence.
27. When you drunkenly overshare with each other.
28. When you spend the whole night making out at a party he invited you to.
29. When you accidentally meet his parents on parents' weekend.
30. When he likes your profile picture.
31. When you go to an on-campus lecture or performance together.
32. When he friend requests you in the middle of the first conversation you're ever having with him.
33. When you talk about him with his friend from home who's visiting for the weekend.
34. When the only text you have from him is "John" -- aka his name that you texted yourself from his phone when you gave him your number.
35. When he turns on the same hook-up playlist that he plays every time he hooks up with someone.
36. When he loudly serenades you at the bar by singing along to whatever music is playing.
37. When he asks if you want him to pick anything up for you from the liquor store.
38. When he lets you stay the night.
39. When he holds your feet up during your keg stand.
40. When he invites you to a party at his house but doesn't talk to you the whole night.
41. When he texts you "Where'd you go?" after you left that party where he didn't talk to you.
42. When you can feel his hard dick in your back from grinding.
43. When he buys you a drink called "Green Monster" or "Adiós, Motherf*cker."
44. When you're the only girl in a room of him and all of his male friends.
45. When he lets you use his upstairs bathroom.
46. When he lets you put your jacket down in his bedroom during a party.
47. When he gives you access to the non-shitty beer in his fridge.
48. When he buys you a slice of pizza at 2 am.
49. When he lets you control the playlist at the party.
50. When he says he'll be right back and actually is right back.
51. When you wake up to 37 blacked-out missed calls from him.
52. When you're the only girl he hooked up with that night.
53. When he gives you his shorts and T-shirt to walk home in the next morning (but doesn't accompany you).
54. When he remembers things you told him last night.
55. When he remembers your roommate's name.
56. When he remembers your name a week later.