When people are drunk, they are no longer their true selves, but a slightly less elegant and functional (but way more fun) version of themselves.
When you are drunk, you are “drunk you,” and drunk you is a special kind of you. Drunk you is the life of the party, the best of friends, the worst at directions and an absolute sex goddess.
Drunk you also knows a lot of things sober you doesn’t know (or at least doesn’t want to admit she knows).
Here are some things only your intoxicated self knows:
1. How many shots you’ve really had
The tally marks on your arm have your friends believing you’re sitting pretty at six, but, deep down, you know you’re really 10 shots deep.
You are undoubtedly growing concerned over the fact you can’t form one whole coherent sentence, or the fact the world has turned into one big ball of blurry.
Is it your turn to ruin ladies' night again? Wasn’t it just your turn last weekend?
2. How to bust a f*cking move
Drunk you is a vibrant, interpretive dancer who also knows how to crip walk, twerk and do the robot.
Drunk you also grinds better than any 14-year-old, at any given high school dance.
3. There’s no shot you’re going to keep these heels on all night
Honestly, why do you even bother anymore?
Yes, those heels go perfect with your outfit, but you suck at keeping them on your feet once you’re wasted and your dignity has abandoned you.
The slightest amount of discomfort results in a, “F*ck it, I’ll just walk barefoot.”
4. All the words to every 90s pop song
Sober you is a huge douchebag who likes to “play it cool,” but drunk you will 100 percent be the first one to jump up on the bar and belt out every last single freaking word to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls like you know you should.
5. You shouldn’t be spending this much money
…but you keep swiping that card, and you’ve decided you’ll worry about it in the morning.
6. Your ex’s number
You can’t, for the life of you ,remember your mother’s cell phone number, but drunk you can easily recall your ex’s digits (or at least where they can be located), even though you totally deleted him!
7. How to make friends in the bathroom
Drunk girls are either on the verge of murdering each other in a parking lot or becoming best friends in a bathroom; there is no in between.
All you need is to offer a tampon, a condom, cosmetics or even some words of wisdom — whatever may be required at the moment — and boom: instant best friends for the night.
8. You’re probably embarrassing yourself right about now
Wall twerking in the corner of the bar is hardly the definition of class, but at this very moment, you couldn’t give any f*cks about manners.
9. Exactly what to say to make this b*tch stop crying
“You’re too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you,” exclaimed every good friend trying to cheer up her crying buddy over the guy who currently doesn’t like her.
Alcohol has the tendency to make us cry, and by now, you know a few tricks on how to make this plastered princess stop in any given situation.
10. Your phone is definitely lost again
Right now, that’s a reason to have a slight panic attack.
It’s not in your bag, in the bathroom, on the bar or in your bra … WHERE IS IT THIS TIME!?
11. You’re going to eat a lot of pizza
You already know the exact location of the closest pizzeria, where you will perform disgustingly shameful acts in the name of love (love for pizza, that is).
It’s literally all you’ve been thinking about all night. Two slices? How about three? Want to split an order of garlic knots (please say no so I can eat them all)? Drunk you is a pizza fiend, so call the pizza police.
12. Anywhere can be a bathroom if you will it
You’re pretty sure you never had to pee so badly in your life, and that alleyway is looking more and more like a toilet by the second.
You say a small prayer of thanks that you’re wearing a dress, and dive right in.
13. How to get some d*ck
Drunk you has some serious game that sober you desperately lacks.
Even though it’s definitely just some liquid confidence giving you the balls to hit on that dreamy, godly-looking dude, you seriously do not hate it.
14. Your standards can, in fact, be lowered if need be
…not from, like, the 21st floor to the basement, but maybe to, like, the 17th floor.
"You’re drunk; you’re horny; you haven’t gotten laid in a month, so tonight, we will lower our height requirement by four inches," you wager with your vagina.
15. You just faked that orgasm
This dude is so whack in the sack, but for some reason, you feel it’s necessary to fake a real good time.
“Oh my God, you’re gonna make me cummmm,” you lie like the amazing actress you think you are.
Maybe you believe you can trick yourself into having a good time, or maybe you just feel really bad for this lover of yours, but you know too well, that “O” was fake as f*ck.
16. You need to puke
At this point you know that it’s going to happen eventually, so why not just make yourself do it now?
You are in control.
17. Tomorrow’s hangover is going to be a killer
…but it was worth it.
You have somehow survived another rendezvous with drunk you, and that’s enough of an accomplishment for now.