You Were Warned: 9 Things You Can Only Learn After F*cking Them Up
Life is full of f*ck-ups.
No matter how careful you might be, you're bound to make a few mistakes sooner or later -- trust me, that's just part of growing up.
Keep in mind, the important thing isn't to avoid making these mistakes but to try learn from them and avoid repeating them in the future.
That said, when it comes to matters of life, there are certain mistakes that are simply impossible to avoid.
No matter how much advice you might've received in the past, there are simply some mistakes you'll just have to make for yourself in order to gain anything from them.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. Like I said, life is full of f*ck-ups. If you're expecting to waltz through yours free of error, you're probably already mistaken.
Here are some things you can only learn after you've f*cked them up.
1. Don’t dip your pen into company ink.
Although past advice might’ve warned you not to sh*t where you eat -- rarely will it inform you of the potential dangers that come with f*cking where you work.
Sure, I understand that sleeping with Cathleen from finance might have sounded like a dandy idea -- while you were pissy drunk off Jell-O shots at the Xmas party -- but I can guarantee it will become a regrettable decision by that following Monday morning.
Specifically, when you’re both chilling in front of the coffee cooler, both mutually curious about whether or not you used a condom or not.
2. Don’t get too high at family functions.
Again, smoking a doob before Thanksgiving dinner “with the fam” might sound like a fine idea at first, but it usually ends disastrously.
Like, you might think a little pot before six hours of raw, uncut family time will help reduce the stress of having 12 members of your gene pool in one dining room -- it usually accomplishes quite the contrary.
Especially once grandma starts chiming in, asking “what that smell is” repeatedly, while you try to figure out ways to blame your uncle.
3. Don’t go to Chipotle during rush hour.
If you plan on hitting Chipotle between the hours of 12 and 1:30 pm or 5 and 7 pm -- HA, GOOD LUCK.
These windows of time are what we like to refer to as “Chipotle rush hour,” so have fun securing that burrito without waiting on an hour-long line, first.
If you’re looking to order quality Mexican fast food without the wait, you’d be better off hitting Chipotle during their “off hours,” meaning prior to 11 am or after 9 pm.
But if you intend on hitting Chipotle during your 15-minute lunch break at noon, you better prepare a decent excuse for when you stroll back into the office at 2 pm, reeking of cilantro and sour cream.
4. Don’t stalk your ex-girlfriend on social media.
Don’t stalk your ex, man. There’s nothing you want to see there. And by “there’s nothing you want to see there,” I actually mean, “your ex has found a new dude who drives a sick car and earns triple your salary, sorry.”
For this reason, it’s best to just avoid exes after you break up with them -- and if you don’t plan on seeing them in real life, there really isn’t much point in scouring their virtual abode, either.
And if you do, make sure you don’t get carried away and "like" something accidentally.
5. Don’t make political Facebook statuses.
I get it. We live in America. We have freedom of speech. And while I strongly support the notion that everyone has the right to voice his or her own opinion -- do we reeeeeallly need to see some random person's opinion regarding the Republican Primaries on our f*cking Facebooks?!
Like, Facebook is a place designed to show you pictures from that night you failed to come out for -- and remind you when your friends' birthdays are on a given day -- not to serve as a public forum for political banter, especially when the creator of said status can’t soundly distinguish between “they’re” and “their."
6. Don’t take birth control for granted.
When you’re in the heat of a sexual moment, it’s easy to lose sight of the important things -- sh*t like condoms, for instance.
Nevertheless, it only takes one false move -- or pregnancy scare -- for you to remember where your priorities stand.
Granted, it’s easy to get caught up and tell yourself, “you’ll figure it out after,” but if Plan B is becoming your primary means of contraception, it’s time to start being more conscientious with regard to your birth control methods.
7. Don’t pick an irrelevant major and expect sh*t to sort itself out down the road.
A lot of people pick majors based on “what’s easy” or whichever course accompanies the least amount of time spent in the library during the semester.
And while leisure might sound desirable during your college years, it’s important to remember you’ll likely take out what you put into your time at college.
Don’t expect the choices you make during your four years at school to sort themselves out after you receive your diploma because -- allow me to be the first to tell you -- they won’t. Formulate a plan based around your interests and passions, and stick to it.
8. Don’t try and make small talk about menstruation with females.
Yes, periods are an extremely touchy subject. My best advice would be unless you’ve ever had a period before, don’t even entertain the notion of commenting on one.
You might think you’re being polite and trying to help, but I can guarantee your input will not be appreciated by any woman.
9. Don’t go ham on Tinder while waiting in public places.
Nothing says boredom (and, at times, creepiness) like a good ol’ Tinder session. At the same time, nothing encourages boredom like waiting in a public place alone.
The fact of the matter is, whether you’re on the subway or chilling on a long line by yourself, you might get the urge to pass the time by swiping away.
And while you might think nobody else can see the large screen of your iPhone 6 Plus, I strongly recommend thinking again.
Trust me, there are eyes everywhere -- and you never know whose mutual friend is standing next you.