I love all of my friends. College friends, work friends, random friends I made in line for the bathroom… they all rock. But there's a very special place in my heart reserved solely for my childhood friends.
The friends who bravely stood by my side as I rocked a mullet and braces. The friends who devoted months and years of their lives listening to me ramble on about boys whose names I can't even remember.
The friends who held my hair back as I hurled after my first shot of vodka (chased with a lukewarm Mike's Hard, thank you very much).
The friends who know exactly why I am the way I am because they probably spent more time with my family than I did.
No matter who else comes and goes, these are the friends I'm stuck with for life. Why? Because they have too much blackmail on me to ever make ditching them worthwhile.
These are 88 things only your childhood friends know about you.
1. Your AIM screenname (luv2talk1332, holla!).
2. Who was on your MySpace top eight and in what order.
3. The fact that you solemnly vowed that you would not drink until you were 21 after the DARE assembly.
4. Exactly how much you puked after your first time drinking at age 15.
5. How you couldn't have sleepovers because you were too scared.
6. When and where you got your first period.
7. Every hot and steamy detail of your first kiss.
8. How long it actually took you to figure out how the f*ck to get a tampon in there.
9. That you learned what sex was from a joke about a parking garage.
10. Who “Cuddles” is, and why it is you still cannot sleep without him.
11. Your home phone number.
12. How you really feel about most people you are now forced to pretend to like.
13. That you regularly wore Limited Too tracksuits complete with zip-off cargo pants.
14. That you were a frequent shopper at Limited Too.
15. Your parents' cell phone numbers.
16. What you smelled like before you discovered deodorant.
17. Which door is best for sneaking out of your childhood home.
18. The absurd amount of time and energy invested in your first crush... and all the weird sh*t you did to impress him.
19. What the term “awkward phase” meant for you.
20. That you learned what grinding was from a picture someone drew for you in the locker room.
21. What you looked like grinding at middle school dances.
22. Exactly how many years you spent with headgear.
23. That you have been the owner of three different T-Mobile Sidekicks.
24. Just how STOKED you were for your first cell phone.
25. The time you accidentally farted during history class.
26. How far you are really willing to go for attention.
27. The fact that you vowed you would save yourself until marriage after sex-ed.
28. Who your favorite sibling is no matter how much you deny having a favorite.
29. Your idealized expectations for the big night you lost your virginity.
30. The not-so-ideal reality of the night you actually lost your virginity (well before marriage).
31. How f*cked up your family actually is.
32. Your irrational fear of birds.
33. That you're not actually allergic to mustard -- you just hate it.
34. Where you kept your diary.
35. When you got your first zit.
36. Every single one of your deepest and most obscure insecurities.
37. The fact that you still have no idea how to ride a bike.
38. Why it is that you still have no idea how to ride a bike.
39. How scarred you really are by your fifth-grade teacher.
40. Just how fat you were during your fat phase.
41. What color rubber bands you chose for your braces.
42. That despite your success, you're actually not really that smart.
43. How much you cheated in high school.
44. How you communicated before cell phones and the Internet.
45. When you got warts on your fingers in third grade and nobody would sit with you.
46. What you looked like the first time you ever tried to wear makeup… purple eye shadow and all.
47. What your voice sounds like on the phone.
48. Why you have that scar on your right elbow.
49. Your ginormous crush on Stephen from “Laguna Beach.”
50. All the embarrassing rumors people spread about you.
51. How mean you actually are.
52. When you're fake laughing.
53. When you're real laughing.
54. Literally all the f*cking weird sh*t you've done over the years.
55. How much your parents yelled at you.
56. How many Sketchers you owned.
57. That you suffered from terrible b'acne.
58. What you look like when you all-out ugly cry.
59. How spoiled you actually are.
60. What you look like in denim skirts and layered Hollister tops.
61. What type of food your mom always keeps in your pantry.
62. Where your parents keep the spare key.
63. What you looked like before your nose job and hair color change.
64. How long it took you to finally get out of your ugly phase.
65. How completely unaware you were of the magnitude of your ugliness during your ugly phase.
66. Just how much of a little sh*t you were.
67. How you were 100 percent convinced that there was nothing stopping you from becoming a full-time supermodel, full-time astronaut, part-time kindergarten teacher.
68. The details of your pre-slutty phase (think sixth grade, pre first kiss, too much lip gloss, midriff-baring tops and tight jean skirts… as well as lots of flirting via AIM).
69. All the weird and completely false ways you thought you could get pregnant.
70. That your mom read to you every night before bed..... until like eighth grade.
71. That you ate your entire thirteenth birthday cake with your bare hands.
72. That you had your very own super Sweet 16.
73. That you continued to wet the bed long after it was socially acceptable.
74. That you had a JC Chasez poster that hung above your bed.
75. Whether you were more of an 'N Sync or Backstreet Boys kind of girl.
76. How much you cried at your first 'N Sync concert.
77. How long you kept your J-14 subscription for.
78. Your embarrassing stories that involve no illicit substances whatsoever.
79. That there was a time when literally not one boy was interested in you.
80. The first time you wore a thong.
81. What you look like when you're throwing a legitimate temper tantrum.
82. Exactly what your text and AIM conversations with your first “boyfriend” looked like.
83. Just how awkward you and your “boyfriend” were in person.
84. When you got your first pubic hair.
85. The fact that your mom wouldn't let you watch PG13 movies until you were actually 13 and all the other lame things you weren't allowed to do.
86. When you actually stopped playing with Barbies.
87. The amount of paper towels you stuffed in your training bra.
88. What a giant f*cking loser you really are at heart.