The Most Brutally Honest Reasons You Should Never Have Kids

by Lauren Martin

I stumbled across a "Teen Mom 2" episode last night and found myself with a terrible taste in my mouth and a writhing pain in my stomach after about three minutes. I had to turn it off after watching Janelle complain to her mom about having to take another abortion pill, as her 3-year-old son sat on the floor screaming, "F*ck." To say it was hard to watch is an understatement.

I went to bed dissatisfied and forced to think about the idea of what it means to become a parent. Maybe it's because I'm selfish or immature, but I really think that having kids is something I'm not even remotely ready for, or ever will be. The whole idea of having children gives me an uneasy feeling and a pain in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake.

Maybe it's because a sad mother once told me, "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child" that I realized how dangerous and risky it is to have children. There is so much that can go wrong and so much out of your control as you let part of you out into the cold, scary world. As I spend my twenties wrapped up in my career, friends and nights out, I find myself dizzy over the thought of finding room in my life for someone else.

Having kids is far more intense than having a relationship or getting married, because you are not responsible for that other person. You can have your own life while sharing it with your significant other. Having kids, on the other hand, means giving up your selfish ways of living and devoting all your time and energy to them.

So, as I watch countless friends and acquaintances around me entertain the idea of becoming a parent, I can't help but point out all the reasons you really shouldn't even think about having kids… at least for a long time.

You'll Most Likely Screw Them Up

Who doesn't blame their parents for their problems? I can't think of one person or psychologist who doesn't automatically turn to childhood to pinpoint adult ineptitude. You're a cold, mean person? Well, it's because your parents didn't love you enough. You're too shy to function? Well, it's because your parents didn't make you do team sports in high school. It's endless.

You Will Go Broke

A study came out reporting that without sending your kid to college, the cost of raising a child is $250,000. That's just one child's life you're paying for; it's not the cost of raising multiple children, nor does it include spendings on yourself. It doesn't include the house you need, the food you're cooking for yourself, or the shopping you do to update your wardrobe.

Your Life Will Never Be Yours Again

The moment you have kids, your life becomes theirs. Everything you do will revolve around them and their needs. Your relationships, your looks and your drive will all become a distant piece of who you once were.

They Will Resent You

After everything you did for them, everything you sacrificed, your kids will just end up hating you in the same way you resented your parents. Hopefully, someday, they will grow up and learn to appreciate you, but until then, it's just a miserable ride of misguided hatred and scorn from the people you brought into this world.

Your Relationships Will Deteriorate

Who has sex anymore once they have kids? Besides the Romneys (Mormons know how to get it on), I can't think of anyone. Your life and your partner's life will revolve entirely around the selfish creatures who won't leave your bed for six years.

You Can't Be Spontaneous

You can't just pick up and move to France because you have an urge to eat macarons and read at a cafe. You can't just take a three-month vacation to "get away from it all" because your kids have school to attend. Your life will become revolved around schedules and commitments that aren't even yours.

You Have To Love Them Even When They're Assh*les

Remember how you were to your parents? Well, your kids are going to treat you the same way. They'll be huge, f*cking assh*les and there is nothing you can do but keep living with them and try not to completely give up amidst feelings of defeat. They will be mean, evil, conniving, selfish little sh*ts who won't give a crap about you or your life.

You'll Still Be Paying Your Student Loans When You Have To Start Paying For Theirs

You know how you're going to be paying for loans until you're about 60? Well, kids just add another 60 years of debt.

They Could Disappoint You In Big Ways

Even if you follow all the books, take all the advice and do everything for them, there's no telling how your kids are going to turn out. They are their own persons, with their own flaws and desires. Just because you made them go to church every Sunday doesn't mean they won't commit petty theft or end up in jail. It's all a gamble.

You Have To Relive High School

Remember all the reasons you couldn't wait to leave high school? The drama, the awkward adolescence, the mean kids? Get ready to go back to all that when your kid comes home crying because no one asked her to junior prom.

They Ruin Your Body

Women, no matter what they say, your vagina will never be the same. The common analogy used to explain the process of giving birth as fitting a lemon through a nostril. Think about it.

You Have No More Free Time

Any spare time you have will be devoted to making dinner or heading to parent-teacher conferences. If you're lucky enough not to have to work, you'll still be spending your days running errands and cleaning for everyone but yourself.

You Will Always Be Financially Responsible

Are you still paying for your cell phone? What about health insurance? You're an adult, yet your parents still pay for all those financial necessities that add up to one giant payroll. So don't just think that when they're 18 you'll be done because you will most likely be paying for them until they're 26… if you're lucky.

None Of Your Friends Without Kids Will Ever Want To Hang Out With You

Say goodbye to all your friends, especially all the ones who chose the smart path and didn't indulge in giving birth. Would you want to hang out with anyone who had kids? No way. They're not the friends you used to know; they're different people. They're parents now, and you suddenly have nothing in common.

You Can't Smoke Weed Or Get Drunk

Unless you want to be those parents only seen in Lifetime dramas and MTV reality shows, you can't get blacked out around your kids. You can't smoke, drink, get high, pop pills... nothing. You must set a good example and that means never indulging in anything your younger, wilder self used to love.

You're Gonna Be That Person In The Minivan

Get ready to trade in that sports car you worked so hard to earn for the uncoolest car in America. Even if you say you won't, you most definitely will. None of our parents ever spent their twenties dreaming of owning a minivan, but it happened to them, and it will happen to you.

Personal Space Doesn't Exist

You won't even be able to take a sh*t alone once you have kids. Your bedroom isn't yours, the TV room is most definitely theirs, and the kitchen will always be an empty mess. Vacations will be marked by rooms filled with crying babies and "romantic nights" will most likely be crashed by your kids crawling in.

Photo credit: Baby Fails