There is absolutely no worse feeling in the world than waking up with that horrible cotton mouth, a pounding headache and a $30 Chinese delivery receipt on your lap. Not to mention, a bunch of your homies (and some locas) all passed out in your living room, sitting upright on the couch as you just lie there feeling like a shell of your old self.
There's only two words to describe this natural phenomenon -- weed hangover. Somewhere during the night before, between the eight blunts, ten bong rips and three weed brownies, you lost yourself. You forgot your limitations and decided to become a master chief, which subsequently led to you munching your face off. While this may have sounded like a great idea at the time, the result is truly one of the most defeating emotions you could imagine.
There is hands down no crazier feeling than being smacked out of your mind and so full to the point of heavy breathing and full siesta. Coming from experience, this can even be more dangerous than drinking. Your life is in disarray, you feel all sorts of floaty and just cannot seem to get a grip on things. It's that bad.
However through years of trial, failing and, finally, succeeding, we have devised 10 solid steps to help you get your life back in order. This method is a deep body cleanse for the mind, body and soul that will help you overcome your weed hangover in just one day.
Don't just lie there in your puddle of self disgust and Hot Cheetos, do something about it. Take action and live to smoke another blunt! Smoke the weed. Don't let the weed smoke you. These are the 10 easy steps to successfully recovering from a weed hangover.
First, look into the mirror and promise yourself that you aren't smoking today
This game is 90 percent mental. Take a deep breath, look into the mirror and say to yourself, "No more weed today." While this isn't the easiest thing for a stoner to say, it's one of the most vital steps to completing your transformation. By psyching yourself out, you will have the upper hand over your mind and, in turn, you will control the pace of the day.
Then make sure you clear your body's cache
Between the Domino's pizza, Oreo McFlurry and General Tso's chicken from the Chinese spot, your body is going to have to deal with a mass exodus. Whether or not this is the first or second thing you do, always make sure this is the first or second thing you do. Clearing your cache will do a lot for you spiritually as you will be able to think more freely and approach the day with a positive and sin-free mindset. Don't let yesterday's transgressions dictate your future. Get rid of these demons!
Throw on some Marley!
To put your body at full peace, throw on any classic Bob Marley jam. I would suggest, "Waiting In Vain." While it doesn't have the most upbeat message, the sounds are very pleasant on the ears and strike the perfect tones for any hungover stoner to fully recover.
And drink a big old cup of OJ (aka Jesus Juice)
Drinking orange juice is essential during your recovery process. The vitamin C inside of the OJ actually rewires your brain and stimulates the receptors in your eyes to make you see more clearly. Not really. But, it does taste delicious and will surely wake you up in one of the most pleasant ways possible. Extra pulp is always a plus.
Then get the "Triangle Offense" breakfast at McDonald's
To get over your hangover, you're obviously going to need a breakfast fit for a king. And for five dollars, how much better can you get than the vaunted "Triangle Offense" at McDonald's during breakfast hours? Comprised of a Sausage Egg & Cheese McGriddle, a breakfast burrito and hash brown; this early meal is quite literally everything. It's not too little, not too much. It's just damn right. Eat this and tell me it's not the truth. I dare you.
Get cozy and take off your pants
Now that we've got some food in our system and we're feeling good, take this party to the next level by taking off your pants (preferably when you're at home). This will give you maximum comfort and a full range of motion while navigating between your couch and bed. Not only will you be experiencing awesome breezes between you balls (or cooch), but you will have ninja-like reflexes... which isn't really helpful I guess. Oh well!
Put on some 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air'
Now that you're cozied up, put on some of that "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Everybody loves young Will Smith and what better way to pass the day than by watching some of his teenage antics? This good-hearted show will surely change your mood and put you in that happy place you need to be.
Go get a massage... or play with your favorite pet
Why not? Achieve full body tranquility by getting a full body massage... preferably with a happy ending. There's nothing like a middle-aged Asian woman rubbing her hands up and down your body for an hour, then schwapping your meat furiously until you feel the shame of a thousand suns. But if this isn't you're thing (or you're a lady), just play with some furry little animals. It should have the same effect.
Call your grandmother and tell her that you finally got your life together
You've made it this far without smoking (almost 24 hours) and you're on top of the world. Hell, you can probably accomplish anything at this point. Call your grandma who, although you love dearly, thinks that you're wasting your life away. Let her know that you've finally turned things around and that you are even thinking about getting back into school. Tell her tales of your productive day and just watch as you get back into her good graces. This should give you great mental clarity and a sense of peace knowing that the old lady is proud...ish.
Smoke a fat ass blunt to the face and try not to repeat your misfortunes
Who were we kidding? There's no way you weren't going to smoke today. If you somehow managed to actually not smoke until this point, then bravo. But as we all know, all good things come to an end. So light one up for old times sake and just try not to munch your face off and take more than one edible. If not, then just repeat this list again. Enjoy!