Well, it's f*cking December again.
It's the only month that I can count on to leave me fat, wasted and f*cking poor.
Nothing reminds me of how single and broke I am like the holidays.
I always enter January with borderline liver failure, a gut like Santa's and a fresh dislike for all my married friends and a handful of family members.
Don’t get me wrong; I love the holidays, but if I have to see you and your boyfriend wearing matching ugly sweaters again, I might vomit into my cup of eggnog.
Here are five survival tips to help you get through December in one, big, piece:
1. Avoid “adult” Christmas parties.
When I say “adult” parties, I mean those ones people start throwing in our mid-20s where there are appetizers, supplied booze and... children.
They're the ones where there’s a theme that’s not “sexy office hos and CEOs,” you all sit around and play apples to f*cking apples instead of beer pong and people choose wine over vodka.
If you find yourself at one of these events, be prepared for a lot of ugly Christmas sweaters, people talking about their adult jobs, fiancés and children.
Make sure you have a pre-made list of appropriate things to talk about with these types of people that doesn’t involve sex, alcohol, what you’re currently watching on Netflix or the weird sh*t guys say to you on Tinder.
2. Don’t be a social media Christmas creep.
Want to know the number one way you can bum yourself out this holiday season?
Looking at your ex’s social media pictures of him and your “replacement” at family Christmas parties.
If you really, really want to bum yourself out, take a look at her social media page because chances are, he probably got her a present way cooler than anything he ever got you in your many years of dating.
Oh yeah, and it only took her a few months to meet his family, when it took you over a year.
Creeping is always a f*cking bummer, but especially try to avoid it during the holidays.
3. Don’t f*ck anyone you went to high school with who's visiting for the holidays.
Remember that guy from high school who was super cute back in the day?
Well, now he’s even cuter, clearly gets his pump on at the gym and makes a fat salary doing something that sounds super important.
BITCH, DON’T DO IT.
When going back to your hometown for the holidays, there's a chance some of your local bars may very well be like a high school reunion.
Keep it together, don’t sloppy party like you did your senior year and don’t hook up with anyone, no matter how much he or she has transformed.
If you do, you're looking at awkwardly waking up at his parents’ house and probably not getting a call back because you don’t even live in the same state anymore, so there’s really no reason to talk.
Then, you'll have to experience years of high school reunions and more holidays when you guys will run into each other, and you’ll have to think of the sh*tty sex you had one Christmas at his parents’ house and how his parents made you breakfast the next morning.
It’s not worth it, trust me.
4. Don’t eat (or drink) your feelings.
With all the adorable couples' Christmas cards on everyone’s fridge, Instagram posts of amazing presents from “bae” and engagement rings that suddenly seem to be appearing on everyone's left hand except yours, it’s really important to have a healthy way of coping besides getting f*cking wasted on spiked eggnog, while eating an entire plate of gingerbread cookies.
Try to especially remember this tip if you end up running into your ex and your “replacement” at any holiday parties.
Don’t distract yourself from them by hanging out next to the food table and stuffing your face with mini sandwiches, or by taking shots in the kitchen with the other sad single people.
Definitely don’t get drunk and show anyone the pictures of you and your dog in matching Christmas sweaters and Santa hats you made your mom take of you earlier that day, and for f*ck's sake, have some self-control and don’t eat the entire plate of brie cheese.
5. Know your escape route.
This tip is especially helpful if you have a huge, insane family who likes to ask you a million questions about why you're single, why you like to occasionally live out of your car with your dog on the beach, why you paint and write for a living, even though they don’t pay very well, or why you're too skinny.
My favorite question of all from my grandmother is, "Why don’t I have any great-grandchildren yet?"
Since you’re clearly really single and can’t blame your desire to leave the party early on your non-existent boyfriend and his family, sometimes, you have to get creative.
Walking into these situations with a plan is extremely important.
I prefer excuses that make me look like a saint, such as offering to be a designated driver for some friends, dropping off cans at the food bank before they close or dog sitting for a friend for free.
Keep in mind you will have horrible karma if you use one of these as an excuse, and you don’t actually do it later.
If all else fails, just wait until no one is paying attention and slip out the back door with a plate of food and an extra bottle of wine that was left unattended.