Sh*t. It's time for the dreaded, Monday morning statement check.
Hold your breath. It’s not going to be pretty.
Nice job, Rick Ross.
You forgot all about your sober, self-proclaimed "allowance" this weekend when you dropped $200 on a table at the club to earn yourself three watered-down cranberry vodkas and a footstool of a table stuck all the way in the back, near the fire exit.
Hope it was worth it. Soaring past your paygrade happens, but you really went overboard this time.
As you peer down at your statement, you start seeing charges from a bar you don't even remember being at.
You’ve been taxed by various Venmo payments to friends for God knows what throughout the weekend, and they're only explained by random emojis.
Oh, how nice of you to pick up the cab ride for everyone on the way home on Saturday night.
Floyd Mayweather’s Instagram account must really be getting to your head.
You purposely don't swipe some items in the self-checkout lane at the grocery store because who pays $6.99 for deodorant?
Now that you’re almost broke and don’t get paid until next week, here is a guide for making what you’ve still got last, while still living somewhat of a normal social life.
This applies to women too. But let’s be honest: You all get away with a lot more for free than we do.
Here are three ways to enjoy living in the city without breaking the bank:
1. At The Bar
This is the big one.
This is where your money vanishes, with absolutely no real value to speak of once the night is over.
There’s nothing worse than seeing $60 charges made at 2 am on drinks, when you were already drunk enough to last well into the next day.
I’d say stop going, but we all know that’s not going to happen.
So just slow down and be smarter with the plastic.
Stop trying to be Jay Gatsby when it’s your time to order at the bar.
Unless it’s a special occasion for someone there or you’re buying for someone you’re trying to get with, let everyone else get their own damn drinks.
This is the easiest way to turn a harmless $13 charge into a painful $45 stinger.
All the half-assed "Thanks, I’ll get the next one" answers you get from your friends when you’re drinking rarely come back around.
Also, for the record, opening and closing your tab all night won’t save you any extra money. It’ll just make your bartender want to dodge you all night or spit in your next drink.
Leave it open, but only buy for yourself and your hookup hopeful.
Tip once at the end: well.
Don’t ever skimp on the tip for people who prepare the things you ingest.
Doing fun things is enjoyable.
Finding a way to get to those things sucks.
There’s a time and place for each of these methods, but planning ahead might make you hate your life less and put more cash back in your wallet to spend recklessly elsewhere.
Walking: This is an obvious choice, but walking anything over 10 blocks is for suckers, especially in the winter.
The claim that you do it for the exercise is nonsense.
You’re telling me that if a limo pulled up right now and offered you a ride, you'd just keep walking?
You’d get in the limo with that stranger and take off without thinking twice.
You just might get more exercise than you planned for when you’re running for your life from some thug because you wanted to walk home at 3 am.
Bike: I’d say hop on a Citi Bike, but you’re not really willing to get steamrolled by a cab trying to catch the yellow light, just so it can get to Chipotle before it closes.
Plus, everyone secretly hates people on bikes. You’re taking up my lane and running red lights all over the place.
It’s only a matter of time until you get whacked. Then, it’s somehow still my fault.
Public Transportation: I hope you brought headphones. Until you’re used to it, there’s no getting used to it.
Everyone’s miserable, crazy or a combination of the two on the bus or subway. Yeah, it’s cheap and efficient, but so is not getting stabbed.
I’m not about being helplessly forced to watch some dude get off in the corner of the subway, just so I can get uptown cheaper.
Uber: F*ck those people who say theirs "isn’t working right now."
You split this fare with me right now, goddamn it. I’m not your personal chauffeur.
This is the absolute greatest thing to happen to getting around since the invention of the wheel.
Fix your app and pay the whopping $2.10 once the ride is split five ways.
These things are life-savers for any work commute when you’re running late with a co-worker.
Delivery: This is the easy way out. Sure, maybe on the weekends sometimes, but this stuff leeches the bank account like no other.
Have you gained weight? We all know no one is ordering salad from the delivery place.
You’re going all in on the greasiest Chinese food you can think of, and it’s been showing.
Chill out, or you won’t make it to the next year -- let alone the next bite -- without choking to death.
Meals Out: Tough one. Once a week, you’re going to get an offer to eat out somewhere. You’re likely going to take it.
Especially if you’re dating, all those Bumble matches add up. Dates don't come cheap.
Stick with an app and your drinks.
Damage control is key. If you pay $60 with tip on a date, it's a victory.
Paying for dates is a necessary evil for guys, too.
Ladies, please save the steak entree for next time (maybe).
Being lazy is expensive, so get up off your ass and grocery shop once a week.
Cooking isn't terrible, either. It can actually be quite pleasant with the right ingredients and someone attractive there to help you out.
Dropping $50 per week on groceries will always be more feasible than the other options, and you’re less likely to have a heart attack at age 30.
Eating that chicken and asparagus at home is way better than chowing down on all those extra large pizzas.
There you have it.
Choose the ways you'll spend the last of your funds this week because there’s a good chance you'll put yourself right back into this situation in two to three weeks.
Lather, rinse, go broke, repeat.
Next time, we’ll discuss things like rent, student loans, healthcare and other less important things.