It's finally the weekend, and I know you're thanking whatever deity you believe in that you don't have to deal with classes, homework and bullsh*t professors for the next two blissful days.
And you should. Because school sucks.
You're probably already thinking about what you want to do tonight. I'm sure you have tons of options, like that themed party the guy upstairs invited you to on Facebook or the downtown bar with your roommates for $3 specials.
All of that sounds great and all, but have you yet considered staying in and drinking by YOURSELF?
I know. You think that sounds terrible, like you'll feel like the 40-year-old alcoholic version of yourself, two kids deep with nothing to look forward to except the chance of an OTPHJ from your wife in your otherwise sexless marriage.
I remember every time I considered drinking alone in college on the weekends I would teeter between feeling really excited about it and pitying myself.
But going against the status quo of what your friends are doing tonight doesn't make you a loser.
In fact, if you stay in and drink alone, you have a 100 percent chance of not drunk crying in public, not doing something you regret and not embarrassing yourself in front of anyone except maybe your television. So that's pretty damn good.
To begin to embark on this journey, go to the liquor store (or have an upperclassman go for you), and buy your favorite booze. Treat yourself.
Tonight, you will not drink Natty. Tonight you will be a mature adult and drink a beer that is opaque and tastes like beer and not piss, like literally anything that costs more than $10 for a six pack.
Or, if you really want to go big, buy a liquor that isn't in a plastic handle.
Turn off all push notifications for social media. Better yet, delete the apps from your phone altogether -- just for tonight. Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram will only increase your FOMO, and the drunker you get, the more you need to work to protect yourself from FOMO. So don't even tempt yourself.
After you drink a little and get a nice buzz, you can start enjoying yourself without feeling lame. Here are some great ways to spend your evening.
1. Get takeout or cook an actual meal
You're going to be hungry. Call for delivery from that amazing Thai place your roommate keeps telling you about and stuff your face with noodles.
Or if you have a kitchen, cook something. Pasta was always my go-to meal, but since it took me until my senior year to learn how to properly use a dishwasher, you're probably better in the kitchen than me, so get creative.
Just be careful not to be the drunk assh*le who sets the fire alarm off.
2. Finally finish watching "Gilmore Girls"
You have three seasons left, a couch and the rest of the evening. There's no reason why you shouldn't be catching up on those shows you've been meaning to binge watch.
Try not to fall asleep halfway through -- there's nothing like passing out too early to make you feel super lame.
3. Sit on the roof and people watch
Whenever I stayed in, there was nothing I loved more than watching people stumble through campus desperately trying to find their next party or locate their hookup's apartment.
And you'll definitely see people you know, which will only add to the experience, so make sure to take pictures of them to laugh at later.
You have no intention of leaving your dorm tonight, but that doesn't mean you can't engage in a little sexting.
Mass text your hookups, entertain their drunkenness, try to initiate a convo and see what happens. It'll be fun.
5. Make the best playlist ever and listen to it on repeat
You've probably drunkenly screamed "THIS IS MY JAM!" at more than one party before, so now's the time to compile all of YOUR JAMS into a playlist to listen to over and over again.
6. Watch the Kim K and Ray J sex tape the whole way through
The whole way. No stopping. Think of it as a sociological study of sex, fame and culture.
7. Join some dating apps and initiate conversations with randos
Aimlessly swipe right on Tinder, sign up for OKCupid and strike up conversations with all the people you match with.
This is mainly for sh*ts and giggles, but maybe you'll unexpectedly meet someone cool. And the liquid courage will help your flirting game.
8. Decorate your dorm
Move the furniture around in your room to see what looks and feels best. Then, find a bunch of pictures, magazines and newspapers that inspire you and make a collage to fill the newly empty spaces.
Bonus points if your roommate is studying to be a teacher and has arts and crafts sh*t lying around to take your decorating to new levels.
9. Binge watch a really sh*tty reality TV series
There are so many different kinds of reality shows to choose from, depending on what mood you're in. Plus, all the stupidity will make you feel so much better about your life.
10. Play video games and curse loudly at the screen
Channel all of your drunken emotions into an intense round of FIFA or Skyrim. Since nobody else is home, there's no one to judge you for getting angry at animated cartoon characters. Take advantage of this precious time.
11. Stalk Eminem and Kim Mathers’ relationship from the start
I'm talking interviews, concert videos -- everything. It's fascinating.
12. Go online shopping
Even if you don't actually buy anything, the mere act of browsing Forever 21 or Nasty Gal will elevate your mood.
13. Practice making fancy drinks
If you have some liquors and mixers lying around, pretend you're a bartender and come up with some delicious drink recipes you can use for your next party.
I used to bartend in college, so let me clue you in on a little secret: Pineapple juice and cranberry juice go a long, long way.
Just do it. You'll thank me later.