Use It, Don't Abuse It: 12 Ways Alcohol Is Exactly Like Social Media
The more I drink about it, the more I realize using social media is a lot like using everyone’s favorite social drug: alcohol.
Almost everyone does it, and many of us do it daily (for the health benefits, duh).
Some of us abstain from it completely. Some of us abuse it and end up saying really stupid sh*t on it.
That’s just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, though.
For better or for worse (almost always worse), here are a few other ways my most abused things in life are a lot alike:
1. There are a lot of options, and everyone has a favorite.
My drugs of choice are Instagram and shiraz.
You might like Google Hangouts and craft beer, or prefer Pinterest and a pinot gris.
Or vodka and Vine (that’s a dangerous game).
Or Foursquare and sherry, if you are that old lady in accounting who actually still checks in to the office every day.
You might even favor LinkedIn and a single malt scotch on the rocks because you clearly have your sh*t together.
2. Filters are your friends.
Whether it’s that boring picture of your brunch or a bottle of quadruple-distilled Belvedere, everything is better with filters.
The same way you use Valencia to clear out your impurities, the liquor filtration process helps remove the toxic impurities and congeners that contribute to tomorrow’s hellish headache.
But if you’ve got Tito’s taste and a Burnett’s budget, put that sh*t through a Brita filter.
You’ve got yourself a poor man’s Grey Goose martini.
3. Everyone is more attractive with it.
On the note of filters, take what you see on social media with the same grains of salt served with your tequila shots.
Instagram goggles are the best beer goggles.
If he or she still isn’t a 10 after six drinks and six filters, give up and don’t double tap that.
4. It’s a great tool to meet others.
It’s called a social drug and social media for a reason.
It doesn't matter if it's Twitter or tequila.
They are both drugs when it comes to breaking down social barriers and empowering you to interact with anyone at the bar or on your timeline.
But sometimes, you just want to enjoy both entirely by yourself, without interacting with anyone.
5. You can make instant friends.
With alcohol and social media, making friends has never been easier.
Making new mates online is as easy as the click of a friend request.
At the bar, BFFs are just a hop, skip and stumble to the bathroom bar away.
I wonder what happened to my Insta-bestie at Atkins Park. I loved her over-the-knee boots.
6. Don’t do it while driving.
Don’t drink and drive or social media and swerve.
You might spill your drink or misspell your caption.
But also, it can kill people. Drunk driving and distracted driving aren’t jokes.
7. It shouldn’t be the first or last thing you do every day.
Unless it’s College Game Day, you shouldn't have booze for breakfast.
Unless your new slampiece just friend requested you, you shouldn't Facebook first thing in the morning.
Both downing alcohol and staring at screens severely interfere with your normal sleep processes and compromise the quality of your Zs.
Neither an occasional morning mimosa with a social media sunrise nor a nightcap with a bedtime social media scroll session will kill you (depending on your definition of a nightcap), but by no means should it become a habit.
8. Don’t be an assh*le on it.
Everyone acts differently on social media and alcohol.
Some people are hilarious, some are combative, some are sexy, some are outgoing, some are creative, some are clever and some shouldn't be allowed to touch either with a 10-foot selfie stick.
There are Internet trolls and there are bar trolls.
Don’t be either.
9. Don’t let your boss see you do it at work.
Private browsing and travel coffee mugs, y'all.
10. Don’t waste your time on the cheap sh*t.
There's a lot of bad booze and a lot of bad content out there.
As a consumer and a boozer, it’s your responsibility to differentiate the good from the bad and put in the effort to appreciate what you are ingesting.
I like to follow the 80:20 rule for my alcohol and social media.
I aim for 80 percent of the alcohol I drink to be something I really enjoy in terms of flavor, aroma and appearance.
About 80 percent of my social media feeds (besides Facebook because I don’t even know half of those people) is content I care about or can learn from, be it friends' photos that give me happiness, news accounts I learn from, sports teams I’m passionate about or the @natgeo Instagram, which inspires me to board the next flight to Bali.
The other 20 percent, though? Garbage.
Sometimes, you just want to drink a bottle of Cupcake wine and mindlessly scroll through Instagram.
Mine include Fireball shots, Bud Light, Natty Light, @betches, @people, @princeTweets2U, @EmergencyPuppy and @youdidnoteatthat.
Okay, so maybe this is a bit more than 20 percent.
But I swear I follow @time and @cnn, too.
11. Everyone has the family member who doesn’t know how to use it.
Be it the drunk uncle or the aunt on Facebook who writes every comment like it’s a letter home from World War I, every family and feed has one.
This is just something you have to accept.
Oh god, the holidays are coming up.
12. Everyone swears he or she is going to quit.
If I had a dollar for every time I said I’m giving up alcohol forever, I would be able to buy a bottle of Dom Perignon by now.
Most people at some point in their lives have said they are going to quit Facebook.
This is just like every Sunday, when they say they are going to quit alcohol.
Good luck with that.
Therefore, the two things we Millennials abuse the most might not be so different after all.
Well, except social media doesn't make you wake up on the volleyball courts outside the freshman dorms at the University of Georgia.
But I bet it’d get a lot of “likes” if it did.