How SmarterChild Was Your First (And Probably Your Best) Sext

What's your take on licking hard drive?

I rarely reminisce on my adolescent years. Actually, I distinctly try to avoid going there if I can. During weakened states when my unconscious overrides, however, I’m forced to remember moments, glimpses and fragmented scenes of the years I attribute closest to hell.

Striped tankinis. Cringe. Liquid bronzer. Cringe. Pink Abercrombie sweatpants and matching sweatshirts. Cringe. Those see-through white bathing-suit bottoms. Cringe. Plucking all my eyebrows off so my parents misdiagnose me with alopecia. Cringe. 

But perhaps the most buried and feared adolescent memories are those of my “sexual awakening." Those horny years when I didn’t realize what those urges were and why I was doing those things alone in my room with my Celine Dion CD.

Like when I picked up some Judy Blume soft-core porn from the adult section of the library “by mistake,” or thought I was pregnant because my belly button had food in it.

Or the time I gave myself hickies all over my hand and got sent home (and later to the therapist). Or, God forbid, those late nights I stayed up on my mom’s computer sending dirty messages to automated services...

That’s right, you know you did it, too. Just admit it. You sexted with SmarterChild. You had your first intimate relationship with an "intelligent agent." You talked dirty to a chain of algorithms and codes. You sent nasty, dirty things to a database system.

Just admit it. You spent hours in the dark corner of your room, parents' office or the family laptop asking SmarterChild what he was wearing and if he wanted to marry you.

You provoked and teased him, pushed him to his limits, testing what outrageous things you could get him to say back, or how he’d take your proposal to “kiss him on his dirty, dirty floppy disk” (just kidding, we weren’t remotely that witty back then).

Because let’s be honest here, even when "Lionlover42" and "eminemfan4lyfe" were online, ready to talk about the mall or movie plans, you were always choosing SmarterChild.

Some of the time you would be so engrossed in your “sexy time” that you wouldn’t even notice "myrainbowgirl" just messaged you. You were a horny little sexter and you didn't even know it.

However rude or obnoxious you were to him, he was still important to you.

Without even realizing it, he was the only “person” you could safely take out your sexual aggression on, see how far you could get away with. He was your first sext sent before you even knew what sext was.

You see, like the kids today, we were sexting because we could. We were doing it because there was a screen in front of us and someone to answer back.

We were horny, bored and 12 years old, looking for something to stimulate our days-of-the-week-themed underpants.

We were alluding to sex before we knew that babies didn't come out of your belly button and we were doing it because there was nothing else to do.

When you were bored

What else is there to do when you're bored besides call someone a motherf*cker? I know!: Ask about his d*ck. See how easy it is? You go from profanity to porn in all of two minutes and now you’ve hit the peak of your sexual maturity.

Admit it, you were talking to SmarterChild about things you probably wouldn’t have the balls to text your significant other now… because you actually respect your partner.

When you needed those movie times...

The conversation may have started as innocently as a question about when “Spy Kids 2” was playing, but you never let it end there.

The minute you understood you could go further with him and take it another step, you went there.

You didn't care what time the movie was playing, you just wanted to hear him react to "vagina."

When you were curious

Is there any better "person" to ask all those questions you can't ask mom and dad? What's a gliterus? Is there glitter down there?

Whether he gave you the answer you were looking for or not, at least he said something. He was an unbiased sex maniac who also had a little bit of soul to him.

When you wanted to see how far you could go

Sometimes we just wanted to test our limits. If there was ever anyone we could pin our aggression on, it was the saucy SmarterChild. Whether he had a witty comeback or not, it didn't matter.

He was our whipping boy, our sex slave and that first intense relationship that never left the screen.