On a typical morning, I wake up, stretch my bod and down a cup of coffee. When I’m wired and ready to take on the world, I turn on my computer and scour the web to enhance my general knowledge.
And whether I'm on the most clickbait-heavy site out there or trying to get some cold, hard news from CNN, I come across some article telling me I should work out.
The headline might be "5 Ways To Reap The Benefits From Running." Or "Don't Have Time For A Long Morning Workout? Try This 30-Minute Fat Blaster!" Or "Sick Of Your Tree-Trunk Thighs? Tone Them Now With This Circuit.”
Well, I hate working out. And if I have to hear “You don’t work out? What’s wrong with you?” or “How do you not make time for it?” one more time, I will lose my sh*t.
Hell, my ass-clown of an ex-boyfriend cited “lethargy” as one of the reasons for dumping me because that's how much my disdain for the gym affected him.
I have something to say to all of you judgmental, mobile folks (ahem, ex): How DARE you condemn me for my lack of physical expenditure when I do nothing but support you and your affinity for exercise.
Personally, I don’t work out for three reasons: One, I'm not dissatisfied enough with my body to want to change everything about it; two, I’m lazy AF; and three, I'd rather do something else that leaves me breathless, like shop.
This isn’t a critique of fitness gurus and yoga masters. This is a PSA for other people whose sole workout is walking up three flights of stairs to get to the women’s floor at Bloomingdale's.
A high-intensity circuit may get your panties wet, but some low-key window shopping down Fifth Avenue does the trick for me. You and I are two different people, and there's nothing wrong with that. Let's celebrate our differences instead of putting others down for what suits their own individual desires, okay?
Behold, all of the reasons that shopping is my ONLY form of cardio -- and why you need to seriously STFU about it.
1. Sample sales get my heart racing more than a treadmill ever will.
I would schlep halfway across the world for a legitimate sample sale, but I wouldn’t walk down the block to hit up a yoga class. You call that laziness; I call it practicality.
2. The money I’m saving from my gym membership can be used for much better things.
Like shoes. Because gym memberships get old after a month, but shoes last ~forever~ (or at least until the soles wear out).
3. I prefer my men to be metrosexual, not muscular.
A good fashion sense is what turns me on -- not bulky-as-f*ck bulges. Put those guns away and whip out a plaid shirt. Please and thank you.
4. New products give me more endorphins than hitting the gym.
Going on the elliptical for an hour may help your body produce more serotonin. But buying myself a chunky knit sweater in the dead of winter gives me all the feels.
5. Carrying all of those bags is way more effective than lifting weights.
Okay, so I’ve got a pair of boots hanging from my left arm and three pairs of skinny jeans hanging from my right arm. And you’re telling me that isn’t a workout? HOW is that not a workout?!
6. Having a perfect body requires actual work; I prefer instant gratification.
There’s nothing like the immense satisfaction that comes from swiping that credit card and being handed the outfit you deserve. Why wait a week to see abs when I can buy a slimming-as-f*ck skirt within seconds?
7. A black dress is way sexier than back sweat.
LBD > back sweat. C'mon, people. This one's a no-brainer.
8. Shopping is better therapy than going for a run.
Friends, retail therapy is real because science says so.
9. I’d rather style the body I do have rather than work myself to death for a body I don’t have.
Society tells us the ideal body is a perfect one. And I say, "f*ck that."
Maybe my definition of "perfect" is different from someone else's. I like myself just the way I am, and I refuse to mold to the standards that someone else set for me.
Why not just work with what I have?
10. Every step you take with shopping bags is a weighted lunge.
But really, though -- it's a literal lunge. Not to mention it isn’t difficult to turn one lunge into a full-on leg session, sumo squats included.
11. I sweat enough from trying a million things on in the dressing room.
Trust me: A dedicated shopping spree is a workout. From running between stores to squeezing a too-tight bandage dress over my big head and pudgy cheeks to doing an interpretive dance to fit into skinny jeans, I sweat out of every orifice.
To the serial shoppers who are reading this: Don't ever let someone tell you your day spent at the mall doesn't count as a workout. BECAUSE IT DOES.
Keep your head high and your heart rate up. Shopping is the best damn kind of cardio that's out there.