As of September first, I am homeless.
That’s right. I am out of a home. I’m down two roommates, as well.
One of my roommates is moving to Bushwick to do art things, and my other is moving in with his gorgeous boyfriend. (Yes, I’m bitter and jealous. Sue me.).
I have lived in the same apartment for three wonderful years. My gay husband and I have lived together since I was 20 years old.
That is nearly five years. It’s been a wild ride and a whole lot of fun, but it is time to move on.
Truth be told, if my handsome, successful, amazing boyfriend asked me to move into a duplex brownstone on the Upper West Side, I would be G-O-N-E, too.
So, I really can’t blame him even though I’m going to miss him.
Anyway, enough of the emotional stuff. Let’s get down to business.
The thing that is giving me heart palpitations and cold sweats, the thing that is making me FREAK THE F*CK OUT is not living somewhere new -- it’s MOVING.
Anyone who has ever moved knows the process is a living hell.
Hence, why I have avoided switching residences for the last three years.
I would rather chew on broken glass than deal with the horrendous sh*t storm that is moving.
For all of my fellow, future apartment hoppers, this one is for you.
I apologize in advance for the anxiety attack you’re about to have after (while?) reading this.
Here are 19 reasons why moving is by far, without a doubt the worst thing in the entire world:
1. You realize how broke you are.
Honestly, who the f*ck has $5,000 in cash? That isn’t even reasonable. It literally takes like $7,000 to move.
I can barely afford to buy lunch. You think I’m raking in $7k to my bank account? Nah, son.
2. You figure out your friends are terrible people.
You have so many friends until it’s moving day. Suddenly, your social circle has collectively come down with the flu, and at least three maternal grandparents happened to die on the same day. What bad luck!
3. You cannot avoid a broker.
Any place that says it does not have a broker fee will NOT look anything like the pictures that are displayed online.
It will be a rat-infested sh*thole. You’ll be forced to bite the bullet and get some assistance.
4. You discover your life sucks.
Moving sucks. Life sucks.
5. You have to either devote 12 hours to moving or fork out $500 to pay movers.
You can either pledge every ounce of energy and spare every second you have packing boxes and carrying them up and down stairs or destroy your bank account.
The options are just marvelous. Simply MARVELOUS.
6. Every apartment you see will be half the size you expected.
That “convertible two-bedroom” sure does look an awful lot like a studio in the harsh light of day.
Every single apartment you see and hate is another two to three hours of your life wasted.
7. Broker fees don’t seem that bad until you realize they are the worst.
Oh, a 5-percent broker fee is no big deal? Tell me how you’re feeling when you hand them a separate check for $3k.
8. You will have anxiety like you never knew was possible.
You will wake in the night in cold sweats. You will start to picture the can castle you’re going to need to build out of garbage and spit when you have no place to live when the first of the month rolls around.
9. The first of the month will rarely fall on a weekend.
Therefore, you get to take one of your beloved 14 vacation days to move.
Moving will then make you need another vacation day to recover.
10. You get to clean your former apartment for free!
You will definitely be putting in the work to earn that security deposit back… that is literally your money.
11. You’ll need to borrow a sh*tload of money from your parents.
Just when you thought you were a grown-up, you’ll be begging mom and dad to help you gather the money you need to move. Oh, and then you can ask them to be your guarantors.
12. You’ll find out how little you can get for your money.
You will never be getting your own bedroom for under $1300 a month.
You may have a place to live, but you’ll be surviving off of Ramen for the foreseeable future.
13. There will ALWAYS be something horribly wrong with the place you choose.
Cockroaches, terrible neighbors, weird smells, a shower that gathers mold… there is always something.
14. You will finally realize how much sh*t you actually have.
Packing your life into boxes is too much compartmentalizing.
You will become acutely aware of your remarkable ability to hoard.
15. Every single place is more expensive than the last time you moved.
It’s truly abysmal that rent rates could possibly skyrocket this much.
The poverty is just too real. Your bank account will contain less money than your Easter checks from Grandma.
16. Simply filling out an application costs as much as a new pair of shoes.
It doesn’t matter if you get the apartment or not; you will still be paying $100 per application.
You will not be getting that $100 back. Now, times that by how many places you’re going to apply for. Freaking out yet?
17. There will always be another person with more money than you.
Someone will always come to the apartment of your dreams with a better offer.
After that, you get to start from scratch!!!!
18. When you get to your new place, you get to clean again.
Cleaning two apartments in one day is complete torture. You can’t just let it be.
You don’t know what the people who lived there before you were doing.
There could be traces of heroine and bodily fluids right under your very feet at this very moment. *Shudders*.
19. You will likely end up with horrible, creepy roommates, thanks to Craigslist.
Craigslist: providing the subjects for ax murderers since 1995.
It’s amazing how you can make it very clear you are looking for a “normal,” “chill” person to live with and end up with a man who sits on the living room couch, ass-naked, whilst massaging his pet iguana and smoking a crack pipe.
Yeah, I’ve thought A LOT about this.
Moral of the story: I am clearly excited to move. Aren’t you?