Hot take: I hate the holidays.
Yeah, you got me. I'm single. But that's not the sole reason I hate this time of year.
Fine, maybe it is. I don't know anymore. All I know is that if you struggle with anxiety and depression like me, you'd find that just maybe what I'm about to say might resonate.
Actually, you don't even have to struggle with those things in order to relate. The holidays are nothing but PRESSURE.
PRESSURE to have a boyfriend, PRESSURE to buy your boss the perfect gift. PRESSURE to buy your loved ones everything they've ever wanted with less than the 20 bucks you have in your wallet.
It's also the winter and that means it's freakin' FRIGID outside. And I'm sorry, I hate waking up as it is. Now you expect me to wake up earlier to dig my car out of the snow? I'll pass, thanks.
I think the only reason I semi (but not really) tolerate it at all is because I can eat as much as I want without worrying about getting in a bathing suit the next day.
Anyway, back to the very cynical side of me.
Here are five reasons why I absolutely hate this time of year:
1. The Tree
No, I don't hate ALL Christmas trees. I think they're pretty (sometimes, if I'm in a good mood).
What I hate is THE tree. You know, the tree up in Rockefeller Center that has become the tourist center of America? Ugh.
My problem is with the stupid couples taking the same picture in front of it every year.
If you're one of those couples, stop it. Please. For the sake of all that makes me semi-sane. STOP.
2. The “Ugly” Sweater Pictures (Complete With Beer)
Let's face it. Even your “ugly” sweaters are still freakin' cute.
If you want an ugly sweater, my mom has, like, 50 of those that literally look like someone threw up on the front of them. Now, THAT is ugly.
But your ugly sweater pictures on Instagram with your friends and/or significant other while holding a beer because you're partying? Yeah, those aren't ugly.
Those are cute sweaters, and I hate that stupid picture of the party that's supposed to follow an UGLY theme.
Even if you pinned some Christmas-y things on it, it's still not ugly. It's, like, a sweater you purposely made look cute for the sake of the "ugly sweater" party.
3. Purchasing Gifts With The Money I Do Not Have
Let me be clear: I like to give selflessly and help people and ALL of that stuff around the holidays.
But I will pass on giving “selflessly” when that giving entails unnecessary stress and pressure to pick out the PERFECT gift, especially for a boss or colleagues.
I mean, so I'm supposed to purchase my co-workers Starbucks gift cards just because our cubicles are in the same general vicinity?! Um, NO. I'd rather spend that money on the very dire cup of coffee that gets me through the day.
Why do I need to purchase a gift card, you ask? Well, because the holidays and the standards that come with them say I do!
So fuck you, Helen. You ain't getting no gift card no matter HOW close your cubicle is to mine.
4. The High Expectations
This goes hand-in-hand with the point above. Purchasing gifts is the same amount of pressure as receiving them because, let's face it: We hold high expectations for the kinds of gifts we receive.
I hate to watch those poor, hopeful women who are expecting to get engaged and end up getting earrings go from the happiest of humans to depressed and angry, all because they had stupid expectations for the men in their lives.
Why did they have these expectations, you ask? Well, probably because Christmas is extremely commercialized.
The idea that Christmas is the perfect time to get engaged has been so engrained into our brains by the slew of commercials telling us so, we actually buy into it.
This commercial belief has gone so far, in fact, that some women are actually offended when their SOs don't propose to them around this time of year — even if marriage hadn't been a discussion between them yet.
We have been led to believe that, if we're not single around the holidays, we deserve to be surprised with an engagement ring. And when we aren't surprised with an engagement ring, we're further led to believe that the relationship is doomed to fail.
The same thing goes for the expectations you hold for your boss.
Oh, you didn't get that Christmas bonus you expected to get? Shocker. I wonder how many movies have made you think you deserve that bonus every single year.
Also, if my best friend doesn't get me a pony and only ends up getting me a stupid necklace or gift card, well, I can't help but rethink our entire friendship.
Thanks, holidays. You've done it again!
5. The Term “Cuffing Season”
I seriously HATE this term. I don't know where it came from, and I certainly hate that people refer to this time of year as that.
Like, are you kidding? Cuffing season??? What does that even mean?! I'm supposed to handcuff myself to someone just for the season?
What about when spring and summer come around? Am I supposed to take the key and UN-cuff us?
Am I supposed to pretend to be in love just to take those annoying tree and “ugly” sweater pictures? Yet again, NO THANKS. I'm good.
I think this term is the most pretentious term in the world, and I hate that the holidays has become associated with it.
Well, now that you know how I feel, I guess there's only one thing left to say: Happy Holidays, ya filthy animals.