Up until this point, my Bat Mitzvah has been the best night of my life. But now, all I'm left with are the anxieties of how I can possibly top the extravaganza that pioneered adulthood. Well, Baruch Hashem for the creation of the "secret board" on Pinterest.
Secret boards and I co-exist in the hidden Pinterest delusion of my so-called "life." I say "so-called" because the life I have created for myself on Pinterest is definitely not real. It definitely hasn't happened, and it very well could never happen.
Take the recipe for "vegan enchiladas with some sort of cashew based sauce" on my "Yummy" board, for example. It sounds like a fabulous, delicious idea. But I'll most likely be too lazy to ever unpack my food processor to process the cashews.
Or take the 30-day interval workout that Jessica Simpson used to get in shape for "The Dukes of Hazzard," which I have pinned on my exercise board. Her abs were flatter than the buttermilk pancake I had for brunch last Sunday, but I'm pretty sure the last time I wore a crop top that cropped was when I imitated Britney Spears (pre-breakdown) in the fifth grade. My snack got taken away that day, and now, I'm starting to think it was some sort of fat joke.
The fact of the matter is, I plan to get washboard abs like Jessica Simpson's, but it never happens. So no, Pinterest, you can't turn me into Daisy Duke (even though I really wish you could).
Secret boards really encourage us to know ourselves: our hungry, decor-obsessed, hair-admiring, makeup-tutorial-watching, inactive, wedding-planning selves. Preparation is key.
I consider myself to be a planner, and Pinterest has really encouraged my perfectionist tendencies and indecisiveness. In preparation for the next biggest event in my life (the day I say "I do"), I began to cyber-schedule the essential appointments.
It all started with the calligrapher. The invitation to a wedding is the guests' first opportunity to judge. They judge the color scheme, the venue choice, how terrible your new last name sounds and, of course, the entree selection.
Honestly, thank God for Pinterest's selection of unfortunate invites. This made it so simple for me to choose the correct font that will properly introduce (insert husband's name here).
If you haven't figured it out by now, I've already started planning my wedding on Pinterest. You're lying to yourself if you say you've never done the same.
No, I am not engaged. Yes, I am aware I am not engaged. But like I said before, preparation is key.
In fact, you may want to begin looking up couples therapists in all the areas you see yourself in when you consider your five-year plan. The therapist, of course, is in anticipation for the week before your wedding, when the truth of your Pinterest board obsession finally comes out.
I find that planning helps calm my single girl nerves. These days, these nerves seem to get aggravated by the most innocent of hand-holding on the street. They are surely on edge right now, due to the possible publication of this article scaring off even the most desperate of JSwipes. But I digress.
You've sat in front of your screen, endlessly scrolling through pastel and neutral color palettes of dandelions, farm tables, mason jars right side up, mason jars upside down and unbelievably classy looking Christmas lights. From the choreographed entrance of the groomsmen to the exit under what strangely resembles the friendship bridge commonly seen at summer camp, you have everything planned preemptively. Maybe the addition of sparklers is representative of the heat in your friendship (now relationship)?
I try to understand the genius that is Pinterest. But what I know for sure is, planning your wedding on Pinterest is simply another form of self-expression. It will reduce anxieties about the future, trips to the dress store and arguments with your mother about the price of the cake and the color of her "mother of the bride" gown. Basically, planning your wedding ahead of time is just a smart idea.
It's a catch-22, however. Because even though you're probably 100 percent prepared for your wedding -- minus the whole husband thing, of course -- if anyone found out about your secret Pinterest wedding board, overall male interest in you would probably decline. Oops.
Dear men, we do not fantasize about you, or plan what we want you to look like. We simply plan the things we can do once we have you. So, happy Pinning for your next happiest day.