I am a fantastic human being, and I love to surround myself exclusively with other fantastic people. Needless to say, my best friend in the whole wide world must be pretty f*cking awesome, since out of all the fantastic people I have chosen for my inner circle, she is the BEST.
So when people disrespect her in any way, shape or form, I obviously have a little bit of a problem.
Okay, scratch that. I have a LOT of problems.
The thing is, she's way too much of a kind, sweet, loving angel to hate these people. But I am not. So here are 39 people I hate on behalf of my BFF.
1. Her ex.
Like, in what world would you ever think it's a bad idea to date her?!?
2. The girl he used to cheat on her with.
That disgusting homewrecker doesn’t hold a candle to my sweet, smart, hilarious, fabulous bestie.
3. The parents who weren’t around when they should have been.
She may forgive her dad for being too busy to be at her graduation, but I DON’T.
4. Her competition at work.
F*cking Janice needs to COOL it before I break into the office and give her a talking to.
5. Her frenemy.
Sure, she can still pretend to like that girl every once in a while. But I don't have to be fake to love that backstabbing bitch.
6. The girl who spread that rumor about her in high school.
Hey, Lizzy, I basically lived with her, so I can tell you, for a fact, she wasn’t sleeping with your boyfriend. But what I CAN tell you is that you’re an insufferable C U Next Tuesday.
7. The boy who broke her heart in middle school.
I will always and forever blame that twerp Jimmy Roberts (the one who laughed at her when she gave him the card she made) for all her boy issues.
8. The guy who took her on a fantastic date and NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN.
Realistically, he’s dead. And if not, he will be.
9. The extremely disgusting guy hitting on her at the bar.
She’s obviously taken, you nimrod. LOOK AT HER.
10. The dating app creeps who hit her up.
No, “Johnny T, 24,” she is not gonna come sit on your face "2night.”
11. The girl who called her fat in seventh grade.
She might be “over it,” but thinking about that little brat still makes my blood BOIL.
12. The boss who fired her.
How DARE you?! She was the best, most hardworking, fabulous employee you have EVER had.
13. The client who dropped her account.
Yeah, okay. Good luck finding someone who genuinely believed in your bullsh*t brand like she did.
14. The Uber driver who gave her a bad rating.
Oh c’mon, Robert, as if you've NEVER gotten a little queasy on the ride home before?!
15. The f*ckboy she doesn’t realize is a f*ckboy.
He’s not funny. He’s not cool. He’s just a d*ck, and I HATE him for conning you into thinking he’s anything but that.
16. The teacher who told her she couldn’t.
Joke’s on you, Mr. Tomarello. Not only did she not deserve that D in English, she’s also a FANTASTIC writer now.
17. The boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate her enough.
I’m sorry, did you not realize that you were dating the BEST human on the face of the Earth!?
18. The friend who blatantly uses her.
Ashley doesn’t want to hang out. Ashley wants to use you for your car. You might not see it, but I do, and I F*CKING HATE THAT B*TCH.
19. The “friend” who talks sh*t about her behind her back.
Classic Ashley just being the WORST.
20. Her really judgmental family member.
Hey, Aunt Judy, maybe she’s single because she WANTS to be.
21. Her passive-aggressive roommate.
If you have something to say, Kristen, F*CKING SAY IT, and STOP slamming the door in her face.
22. Her boss who refuses to promote her.
The only logical explanation is she’s intimidated by her raw talent, amiright?!
23. The mother who squashed her dreams.
Because you know she would have made an EXCELLENT ballerina if she'd chosen to be.
24. The douche she lost her virginity to.
Maybe after you take a sweet, young angel of a girl’s virginity, you could call her the next day. Just a thought.
25. The friend who leaves her when she gets too drunk.
SHE LEFT YOU WHERE?!?! Evil. Absolutely evil to the core.
26. The friend trying to take your place.
I am her best friend you annoying poser.
27. The stupid b*tch who conned her into buying this acne cream at the mall.
FYI, her skin is flawless. So you can HOP OFF and give her that $75 back.
28. The sorority girls who didn’t let her in.
Probably because they were worried she would outshine the rest of them.
29. The ex-girlfriend of her current boyfriend.
Can she please stop texting him? IT’S INAPPROPRIATE. Like, she can pretend it doesn’t bother her, but I don’t have to play it cool for anyone here.
30. Her ex's current girlfriend.
I feel more pity than hate for her, since she has to fill such GIANT shoes.
31. Her roommate’s boyfriend who NEVER leaves.
You pay rent for an apartment of your own. SPEND TIME THERE.
32. Anybody who made her do anything she wasn’t comfortable with EVER.
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO DRUGS WITH YOU, TOM. STOP PUSHING IT.
33. Her ex’s family.
In what world is this beautiful, angel, goddess, princess not good enough for your f*ckboy son?!
34. The person who made a rude comment to her at work.
Oh, she looks “tired” today? At least she doesn’t look like a haggard bitch.
35. The guy who stood her up.
Unless his mother was literally on fire, there is no logical excuse.
36. The guy who ghosted her.
SHE DESERVES CLOSURE, DAMMIT.
37. Any guy who has ever rejected her, EVER.
I pity these people's very obvious mental ailments.
38. The girls who made her insecure.
It’s fine if you girls want to be self-loathing idiots, but WHY must you insist on bringing her down with you?!
39. The guy who won’t let her move on.
It’s like he has a tracker on her. “Oh, hold on, Nora’s moving on… time to F*CK SH*T UP.”