25 Old School Computer Games That Just Aren't The Same On An iPhone
In my senior year of college, I learned that The Sims 4 was coming out. I was STOKED. I pre-ordered it and ran out to the living room to brag to all of my housemates. Turns out, they never played the Sims growing up (losers). I excitedly tried to explain it to them:
OMG, you guys, no, it is the MOST fun. You get to make yourself, and then you can even make your dream guy, and then you can make them kiss and fall in love and woohoo and then you can have babies! And you can work, but you don't even have to worry about the money because obviously there are cheats, so you can automatically make so much money and make yourself the most swag house with all your friends, and OMG, with this new update you can even go out into the town and do things like go to the gym and hit the bars!
Simply put, they did not find this concept QUITE as cool as I did. Instead, I got made fun of for weeks. “Candice, that guy you were talking to last night was cool — do you want to quickly run home and make a cyber version of him on your computer and see what your babies would look like?” You know, those sorts of jokes.
I didn't care what the haters said. The Sims is a fun game. I bought The Sims 4 and spent multiple nights at home perfecting my cyber life instead of participating in the real world because I am, at my heart of hearts, a dweebus who loves to game.
That's right, I said it. I AM A DWEEBUS WHO LOVES TO GAME. I am a low-key HUGE gamer. I f*cking love to game. Give me a good computer game, and I am all over it. My new mission in life becomes to beat that game or to play it nonstop for weeks until I get sick of it and move on to the next game. I have been known to sacrifice any semblance of a social life to take on my newest gaming obsession.
You would think this would be a great passion to have during the height of technological innovation, when all of our wildest dreams are available on the iPhone or iPad. But, honestly, it's not. Most of my favorite old computer games are not even available on the iPhone. And the ones that are? They're nowhere NEAR as fun as they were on the computer or GameBoy.
Technology is changing at the speed of light, and we can do everything on our iPhones. It's all just so AWESOME. I get it. There's nothing we can't do these days. Wahoo. Living it up at the height of the tech boom. But no matter HOW obsessed I get with Candy Crush, there are some games that will just never be the same on an iPhone.
Tell me the feeling of launching your snood directly into the target wasn't the MOST satisfying.
The Oregon Trail
Educational AND fun!? Sign me the f*ck up.
BEST GAME EVER. Give me a feeling more satisfying than finally watching that piece of brick crumble to pieces.
TBH, never understood how this game worked, but it always looked cool and I always wanted to play.
Barbie Fashion Design Maker
NOTHING made me feel more like a glamorous fashionista than Barbie Fashion Design Maker.
This game was my sh*t. OK, honestly, this game IS my sh*t. Still play it. Still ball at it. Made my nephew call me "Bubble Master" for three months straight after I beat the game for the first time in middle school.
I suck at this game. But that didn't stop me from spending 2+ hours a day trying to master it on my gameboy.
Remember this one? You had your very own baby! And you got to take care of it and you were also nothing but a pair of creepy white hands.
VERY similar to “Babyz,” but instead you had cute little doggies.
The cat version of “Dogz,” so you could have literally ALL of your bases covered.
Don't even get me started. Greatest game of all time. Hands down. It's like real life except for YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING. Like I'm sorry WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT?! I know you can play this on the iPhone but it's just NOT the same, guys.
F*ck Donald Trump. Become your own real estate tycoon!
A whole town filled with all my favorite toons?! CHA-CHING.
What other game lets you learn about your lady bits AND feel cool AF?
Anything with the name "Tycoon" in it and I am IN.
The only bright side to having a Nokia without a color screen.
Brought this one up to my coworkers, and it turns out it MIGHT just be a "me" thing. But seriously, guys: PLAY IT. The high school coach will even remind you to go out and stretch if you've been playing too long!
Not a game but still fun.
If this didn't take up hours of your childhood, then you did childhood wrong.
SO much better on a PC than on a real machine ... OK, maybe not. But it didn't cost quarters and was VERY fun.
OK, not sure if anyone other than me played this, but there was NOTHING more satisfying than shooting the marbles in this game on my EnV2.
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
It was like "Where's Waldo," but on steroids.
Backyard Sports Games
Because why would I want to go to my REAL backyard to play REAL sports?
Age of Empires
Historical AND fun.
The only thing more fun than playing the game was listening to the theme song.
Marble Blast Gold
WHO knew a game about virtual marbles could be so fun?!