Menstruation is a part of life. For women, that is.
Bear with me, folks, for I am just a man -- and have never had to deal with the miracle of menstruation first hand -- so understand, my expertise on the matter is limited.
But, still, just because we men don’t have periods ourselves doesn’t mean we don’t sympathize with our loved ones when they do.
When we see our girlfriends uncomfortable -- deep down, we wish we could take that burden from them and put it on our own shoulders, but that’s simply not how the biological cookie crumbled.
And so, to all the ladies out there, I commend you, especially for having to put up with us while feeling like sh*t. I could only imagine how tough it gets once the cramps start kicking in.
I will say, most of the time, regarding periods, our intentions are good. Our execution? Well, that’s another story.
By now the majority of us have learned menstruation is something of a sensitive subject. My advice on the matter? Fellas, err on the side of caution.
Chances are, being that you're not speaking from a place of personal experience, whatever you have to say about the period will fall on deaf ears.
And for good reason, too. I surely wouldn't care to hear a vegan speculate about the taste of the steak I ordered for dinner.
But when it's your girlfriend, and you spend a lot of time with her, it's hard to avoid the conversation on a monthly basis.
Pro tip: Keep track of your girl's time of the month. Keep a mental note of when your girl is usually on the clock -- and, when the time comes, be extra careful about the sh*t you say.
There’s a whole flurry of hormones floating around, and you never know what might offend your girl. Even if it is a bit of an ovaryaction.
So guys, here are 24 things you should never say to a woman on her period.
1. Are you still bleeding?
If you have to ask, the answer is usually yes.
2. I think you look good.
3. Babe, why does the pack say "supers?"
Super what? Is it a super period? Or a super-sized vagina? What’s super?
4. Eh, I’m thinking something light for dinner.
Maybe a salad. Could do a soup, though, too.
5. Jesus, what’s wrong with you?
You’re looking a little green, and half the tub of ice cream is gone.
6. What exactly does PMS stand for?
Public Menstruation Society? I’m stumped here.
7. So is this blowjob week?
Because I have that marked on my calendar, right… here. Just making sure everything’s going according to schedule.
8. How bloody are we talking here?
Like deep paper cut bloody? Or “elevator scene in ‘The Shining’” type of bloody?
9. Are you sure you can eat all of that?
Two orders of chicken fingers, fries, sweet potato fries, but, to be completely honest, I’m mostly startled by the clams casino -- we’re at a take-out pizza place.
10. Quit cramping my style.
You're right -- it was a poor choice of words. Case closed, period. F*ck.
11. I think you have a loose hem on your shorts. Be careful pulling it though -- it’s right by your crotch.
Oh. That’s the string? Pretty long, no?
12. So do all the holes bleed or what?
It’s one of those questions that you’re pretty sure you know the answer to -- but it also couldn’t hurt to ask. Actually, it definitely could.
13. Well, this explains the past few days.
On Tuesday, she called me a “prickhead.” What in God’s name is a “prickhead?”
14. Weren’t you just on it?
Either time’s flying or your uterus is really working overtime, sheesh.
15. Does it hurt to bleed?
I don’t know. It could be like picking a scab.
16. Hold up, these sheets are new. Let me grab some newspaper.
Kidding, babe. I bought them in deep crimson red after making the transition to the New York Times mobile app.
17. Look on the bright side -- at least you’re not pregnant.
Come on, come on. Yep. Ayyyye, knew I could get you to crack a smile.
18. I’ll cut you some slack since you’re menstruating.
I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.
19. Babe, reminder: Can you try not to flush your tampon down the toilet?
They clog it. F*ck, man.
20. BEACH DAY!
I got all the bags packed, bought a bunch of beer and even made us some sandwiches! Should I bring the frisbee -- yeah, we’ll toss the disk. We’ll toss the disk.
21. If you want, there’s Midol next to the fridge.
In the cabinet to the right, above the sink.
22. Aw, I was kidding. You really thought I’d have Midol next to the fridge?
I’m going to hell -- I mean, CVS. I’ll get the extra-strength.
23. Let’s go for a long walk -- like you always talk about.
It’s the little things in life. Sometimes all your lady wants is a nice, long, walk around the city -- except for when she’s in the midst of the menstrual cycle. You can’t win them all.
24. Are you on your period?
Well, you're about to find out.