I’m about to share something with all of you that may be considered offensive. But, as my main man, Drake, says, “You only live once,” and if I intend to enjoy the rest of my life, changes must be made.
Honestly, I can’t live stressed out from one month to the next, trying to keep up with all of these holiday and seasonal commitments.
I can’t wear white after Labor Day? Drastic lifestyle changes every January? Pumpkins are only important in autumn? Candy for breakfast is only socially acceptable during Halloween?
Next thing you know, it’s March and you're getting shifty eyeballs because of your white pants and the fact that you're eating a king-sized Butterfinger before 10 am. (Is this just me?)
It’s gone too far.
America ignored Thanksgiving’s plea to have sole custody of the turkey. We shunned Halloween and in turn, invented the theme party. So, why not give the proverbial middle finger to New Year's and just be better people for all 12 months, rather than two weeks of one month?
So, for all those people who struggle to make a lasting resolution, here are some tips for making them stick:
In 2015, you should eat a lot of food.
I am talking carbs on carbs on carbs. Oh yeah, and glutens and sugars and dairy and all that other stuff that people say is bad for you.
Because frankly, making a conscious decision to avoid bacon cheeseburgers, chocolate and waffles sounds like a full-fledged recipe for anarchy and chaos in life.
We all understand the value of healthy eating. Moms around the have always said that if nothing else, we must eat the vegetables on the plate in order to be done with dinner.
This doesn’t change the fact that most people my age are completely incompetent when it comes to cooking, and just because a new year has blossomed doesn’t mean the same will happen with cooking skills.
Exercising will still be an uphill battle.
You can give me all the perks in the world. A personal trainer? Someone to make me protein shakes? Free workout classes? Sounds good, I’ll sign on the dotted line.
And, once I walk out the door (because I obviously didn’t bring the right shoes to start today), I will not be back for at least two months, if not more. When I do show up, I’ll either be crying, angry or just asking to use your bathroom (but I paid for it, so it’s totally allowed).
January has no business telling anyone to get up two hours before your alarm and voluntarily walk outside in the bitter cold just to sweat.
Oh, and then to promptly endure an entire day of work afterward, just so I can regret eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s? No. No. And a big, fat, capital N-O.
Regret is something we should tackle when we have the sun at full blast and a tan on our skin. Everyone regrets January in general; pale people aren’t happy people.
The solution is to take all those negative feelings and reassess them in June. You may still regret eating that Cherry Garcia, but hey, at least it will be more enjoyable on a beach.
All phone calls will continue to go unanswered.
This is not to say that you should ignore people next year, but the effort to keep in touch should not stem from the fact that it’s January 1 and you still have yet to discover your six-month-old nephew’s first name.
Pick up the phone call if you are in a place of peace and serenity. Do not pick up your phone call if you are in the middle of a music-induced car concert. When channeling Beyoncé, you need not be interrupted.
There is no need to change your entire life because it’s a new year.
You should just try to be a better version of yourself all year round. Don’t waste the money on a gym membership if you have no intention to ever lift a weight.
Don’t swear off carbs if you can’t eat a salad without croutons. Don’t commit to keeping in touch if the only time you call home is from the emergency room to get your insurance information.
If you put in the effort all year round, the idea of a resolution isn’t so daunting. Know your limits as a person; know what you will and won’t do and your January will be a hell of a lot happier and way less stressful.
You’re welcome. Now, go forth and enjoy 2015.