Two things happen during wedding season: you bond with the couple, and the bride brings you closer into her plans and asks your opinion on everything, or your bestie turns psycho. Your job is to show up on x date, in x dress, with x hairdo and that's all.
Either way, it's a fun period of time in your life. Watching friends meet spouses and begin their lives together is super cool. But when women are asked to be bridesmaids, we all think the same thing: "Oh, f*ck."
Aside from the expense, you have to get into the dreaded dress. Some brides are awesome. They give you a material and color, and they tell you to go crazy.
Some bridezillas make you spend around $400 on a dress that makes you look like a fairy princess who couldn't find something that fit. Your rolls are on display, and you think, "Holy sh*t. Did she pick this dress on purpose so she wasn't outshone?"
Then, you get all panicky. You start sweating, and you have pit stains in the wedding proofs. It's a very common trend, and I've seen it before.
But for young moms, there's even more stress surrounding dress shopping.
During my first pregnancy, I was in the city with my best friend (the bride), and all of her bridesmaids (many of whom I didn't know well enough to be in a thong and bra with).
At the dress store, we were all thrown into two big dressing rooms, fully exposed. Some of us were skeletons, some of us were lusciously curvy and some were just stuffed into Spanx with a "praise Jesus!" comment at every zip.
Here's the deal: No one knew I was pregnant. (Do you know how hard it is to suck in your stomach for like, an hour?)
So there I was, trying on dresses everyone loved on me, and I was secretly trying to find a dress that would still be able to fit with a watermelon underneath. I was going to be nine months pregnant at her wedding.
I had to talk to one of the assistants and tell her to order me a large size so I could make some tailoring changes. The dress was ordered in secrecy, and it was a great success.
But, the bride took a look at the chart and called to tell me there was a mistake. She was going to change my size to a 6 because some idiot at the store wrote down 16. I had a panic attack. I ended up having to tell her my husband and I were trying to get pregnant.
I'm happy to report I felt beautiful in that dress, and my water did not break on the dance floor.
So, here we are again with pregnancy number two, and my other bestie is getting married. She has opted to allow bridesmaids to wear whatever they want in a certain color. I will have delivered in time for her wedding, but I want to wait on finding a dress until the baby is here.
There is so much pressure on the "mom bod." This is my time to flaunt my MILF qualities, and all I want is for people to whisper, "Oh my god, she looks amazing for a mother of two."
I busted my ass to stay fit during my first pregnancy, and I'm doing the same now. The pressure to get into a dress the size of your pinky just a few months later is so intense.
How much zumba can one girl do? Juice cleanses probably see a spike in sales during wedding season. Hail to the kale!
Women get so stressed out about looking good, they forget the wedding is not even about them. No one is going to notice you once the bride walks down the aisle. You're going to blend right into a sea of people, even in that hideous blush dress that makes your tits look enormous.
So, do your research. Find a neckline that will enhance your awesomeness. Find some makeup hacks that help your chest shine.
Being tan makes you feel thinner, so try some fake and bake lotion the week before the wedding. (Not the night before. If you show up looking like an Oompa Loompa, your bride will lose her mind.)
Just have fun. That's what weddings are all about. Take your selfies, and have fun posting with the hashtag the bride created for the event.