Over the past 22 years, I've accumulated a massive bank of knowledge. Most of that knowledge bears a trivial amount of "real-life" substance, but I will say, one thing I have learned is that some of the best things in life come in small packages.
Likewise, some of the best days in life are the ones that aren't in-your-face amazing, or even Facebook-status-worthy. You know what I mean? Maybe you caught a sunset with someone you really care about, or mom chef'd up your favorite meal for dinner.
Either way, you found yourself content with the tender beauty of a "low-key" occurrence, that just so happened to make your day marvelous.
When these types of things spring up, I urge you to write them down, or you risk losing those special moments forever. I began to keep a journal of the "low-key" things I come across in my life, that always seem to make my day.
Today, I will share them with you. I hope this list opens your eyes to the more delicate nuances of life, which should never be taken for granted, and will always make your day, too. L'Chaim.
1. When the delivery place f*cks up
“Okay, you get a side of fries with that.”
“Can I pay extra and get sweet potato fries?”
Ding. Go-time. You open the door, pay the dude, tip him mediocrely and return to the abyss that is your futon, for the remainder of "Seinfeld" -- what goes down next is absolutely stunning. Two styrofoam cartons: of both types of fries, and what’s more — they didn’t charge you extra... at all.
They didn’t even tariff you for the upgrade from regular to sweet potato fries, in addition to giving both f*cking types. I’m pretty sure my dad would experience circulatory shock if this ever happened to him, but for us, let’s just consider it “day made.” Go on and simmer in it.
2. When you're late and the train is even later
It’s the best when your mom has to wake you up with like 15 knocks on your door, followed by a “sweetie are you up?” You instinctively shout, “YES,” before you even open your eyes and wipe the sh*t out.
You need to catch an 8:15 train and it’s already, like, 7:58 because you hit snooze three times and then just said, "f*ck it." Like, damn, yeah, today is Wednesday.
You toss on a wrinkled white tee and throw on a baseball cap, only to get to the train station at 8:17… you sprint like a bat out of hell to the platform, looking for a sign from the heavens, and when you do get there and look up: BAM.
8:15 TO PENN STATION DELAYED 8 MIN.
You just know it’s gonna be a helluva day.
3. When you find a string cheese in the back of your fridge
Let me paint the mental picture for you. You're hungry as sh*t from the joint you just got finished smoking in your backyard, come inside, and all but assume your fridge — and mother’s new gluten free diet — will leave your stomach moaning.
You swing open the fridge, toss aside a few bushels of kale as if you're mining for gold, and WHEE --there’s a motherf*cking string cheese in the back of your refrigerator behind a carton of eggs.
You haven’t had one of these things since middle school, and frankly, have not the slightest inkling of why it’s even in your fridge in the first place. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Your day is made.
4. When C-list celebrities or athletes favorite one of your tweets
OMFG. Duuuuuude. The retired backup quarterback for the Jets just favorited my tweet…
I’m sure you all can relate. For you ladies out there, maybe it was like a minuscule actor who had three lines in some episode of "One Tree Hill" -- regardless -- that sh*t definitely made your day.
Why? Because we love acknowledgement. It’s human nature. And what better acknowledgement than that which comes from people who sort of matter? Exactly. Don’t fight it, it’s natural.
5. "Grandma's Boy" on like TBS at 9 pm on a Wednesday
Rewatching season 5 of "It's Always Sunny" on Netflix has become a chore of sorts, and you've fallen asleep midway through too many episodes of "True Detective" — and couldn’t finish the season before HBO took it off On Demand -- and now you’re lying in bed, feeling helpless.
Drinking more of that NyQuil won’t make it kick in any faster folks, you’re still about an hour outside of slumbertown. All of a sudden, like a bolt of lightning from Zeus, "Grand-F*CKING-ma’s Boy" pops up on your guide like a fire drill during an exam you didn't study for.
That’s the type of sh*t that makes bad days cool.
6. When the doctor tells you you’re healthy at a checkup
“Well, it seems you're almost abnormally healthy, Mr. Scotti.”
You feel like Robert DeNiro in "Taxi Driver," “Are you talking to me?”
It’s a guaranteed amazing day when your doctor tells you you’re healthy, especially at a check up, ESPECIALLY when you know your life habits are -- let’s be reasonable -- subpar at best.
You smoke like a chimney, you drink like a fish and, to be honest, you abuse Adderall whenever your agenda requires a modicum of schoolwork. But hey, doc says you’re healthy as a horse, to the point where it’s almost abnormal.
A wise man once said: "Ask no questions, hear no lies." Enjoy the rest of your newly amazing day.
7. Watching a “cool” person trip in public
I’m sorry, but I could be having the worst day known to mankind, if I see a dude in an Hermes belt trip in public, my day's on the way up.
The belt is swag, don’t get me wrong, but when you trip crossing 33rd Street outside of Penn Station in one, you compromise everything that buckle stands for: integrity. And poor budgeting of your money.
This type of stuff is instant entertainment, and isn’t confined to solely people donning the Hermes “H” belt buckle with jeans and a tee.
You just can tell who is cool -- whether it be a floppy sunhat or some Greek Life letters — you can tell who’s feeling themselves, and when they trip in public, we feel for them. Not really, but we laugh.
8. Seeing that hot girl "change her relationship status" on Facebook
...to single. Sarrrry!
9. Getting told you look like a celebrity who you own zero resemblance to
For whatever reason, it always tickles me when someone tells me I look like some specific celebrity whom I look nothing alike. Especially when they’re like uber famous superstars, who you hold maybe 15 percent resemblance to, because you both have brown hair and noses.
“You know you really look like Justin Bieber."
"You look like a young George Clooney."
"You look like yada yada.”
Wow, I don’t, but thanks -- all the people you mentioned were pretty dope. So my day just got a little better. Really? The dad on "Modern Family"? God bless you.
10. Chipotle forgets to charge you for the guac
You wanna know what really makes the f*ck out of my day? When you wait on line at Chipotle for, like, 45 minutes and they forget to charge you for the guacamole.
I mean, once you see the cost of your meal under $10, you know they f*cked something up -- so you grab your to-go bag, and quickly make a beeline for the door, hoping they don’t stop you first and realize the error of their ways. And sometimes they do. Then again, sometimes they don’t.
When the latter occurs, you embrace the gesture, knowing deep within your heart of hearts, that the extra $2 you saved on mashed-up avocados far from compensates for the entire evening you spent standing around a room reeking of BO and fajita vegetables. So, give yourself a pat on the back, while you're at it. You deserve it.
11. When you finish the shampoo and the body wash in the same shower
Perhaps the only thing more beautiful than two lovers reaching climax at the same time is when you finish the shampoo bottle and the body wash bottle in the same shower.
Hey, let’s be real, you wouldn’t lose any sleep if you finished the shampoo on Monday and the body wash on Wednesday -- but, honestly, it’s just easier this way -- as it negates a second trip to the Gristedes located directly downstairs your apartment building.
It’s just one of those moments that subtly makes your day because, when you actually take the time to think about it -- after scrubbing down your private parts -- what are the f*cking odds?
12. Driving past a Coldstone
When you drive past a Coldstone in a random location that you never knew existed, I dare you to tell me your day got worse from that point on.
Creameries have become something of an endangered species over the past few years, a forbidden fruit, and they are very few and far between. It always makes your day when you’re able to log another location into your mental vault of ice cream spots.
And you wanna hear the kicker? Let’s say you actually make the stop, on sight, and go to the Creamery -- and they sing the classic CSC jingle to you?! That’s like your whole week made. Like, that’s some real sh*t, man. Encore.