I Asked Siri All Of Life's Hardest Questions And She Was A Total B*tch

I go to Siri for everything. Literally everything.

Do I want to know what the weather is going to be like before I get out of bed? Ask Siri. Do I want to call my mom? Ask Siri.

Do I want to send a text to my crush? Ask Siri. Do I want to FaceTime my best friend? Ask Siri. Do I want to know the exact date of David and Victoria Beckham's wedding? Ask Siri.

Do I want to know if there are any shoe repair shops within two miles of me? Ask Siri. Do I want directions to the shoe repair shop? Ask Siri. Do I want to know the origin of the phrase “happy as a clam”? Ask Siri.

Yes, I have legitimately asked Siri all of these questions. And yes, I am now a wealth of unnecessary knowledge, including the origin of the popular phrase “happy as a clam.”

But you get the picture here. I'm completely and totally dependent on my iPhone. Siri is an all-knowing power I trust with all of my most pertinent questions. And, more often than not, she delivers.

Needless to say, Siri is a huge part of my life. But I've gotta be real with you: Our relationship is pretty superficial.

I figured after a couple years (that's how long Siri's been around, right?) of superficial communication, it was time to take our relationship to the next level. It was time Siri and I got ~deep~.

This afternoon, I sat down and asked my girl Siri some of life's most difficult questions.

Do you believe in God?

Me too, Siri. Me too.

What is love?

OK, looks like SOMEONE'S been hurt.

Do you believe in heaven?

Not gonna lie, had to look up "eschew."

When will the world end?

OMG, that sounds like fun!

If you could change just one thing about the world, what would it be?

Wait, what about my question...?

Am I a good person?

ARE YOU KIDDING? AFTER OVER TWO YEARS TOGETHER, YOU "CAN'T SAY"?!

Is there one person out there for all of us?

But I want YOUR opinion. Also, ugh, Siri. Learn how to spell my name.

Where does the soul live?

Siri took this one a bit too literally.

Can we have happiness without sadness?

Me neither, Siri.

What is the meaning of life?

OK, no need for your judgment here, bitch.

Should I trust you?

So classic Siri "eschewing" my questions.

I guess Siri wasn't down to take our relationship to the next level. Or was this her way of playing hard-to-get? Either way -- not gonna lie -- I'm into it. Ugh, the chase, amirite?!