I'm Not Okay: How To Find A Release For Your Pent Up Emotions

by Robelle Espada

It's a dark and gloomy day outside, and the sullen face that I have on definitely isn't helping my mind believe that I'm fine. I've officially tried to drown these feelings in the following ways: blankets and pillows, ice cream and cookies, and tears that my eyes couldn't keep in any longer.

As I write this article, I sit in the darkness of my apartment with the blinds closed to the rain pouring down outside. A sunny picture, isn't it? That isn't the darkest part of this article, though; it's why I'm feeling these emotions and how I so desperately want to make them go away. Why? Right now, all these feelings are swimming around in my head, making me think one sad thought after the other.

All I can do is try to think of rainbows and butterflies, but that doesn't work very well when I've already become enveloped in all of my dark and twisted thoughts.

When we're born, all we can do is express how we were feeling with our actions. We would cry out little hearts out until someone picked us up, and in that instant, we'd stop because that's all we really needed. We would fall down, cry and stop if no one was around, and we'd start again once someone saw us.

We needed someone to know how we were feeling because we needed someone outside of ourselves to make us feel better. So what happened? What changed as we grew older that has us afraid to admit that we aren't fine?

I'm afraid to tell someone why I'm crying because I don't think anyone will care, and I know no one will understand. I feel I need to explain myself, to have a good reason to be crying. Who would cry for absolutely no reason? Who feels sad because they're just feeling sad in that moment?

When someone asks me how I am, I can't just tell that person that I wish I was in bed because the entire day has me wishing I never left it, for no particular reason. Why do I need to explain my emotions? Why does someone need to nod his or her head in agreement when I tell them that, "I'm not okay" because it makes me feel like I'm allowed to be feeling this way?

I think most of us won't tell another person that we aren't feeling like the sun is shining all day because we're scared. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I want that person to think that my life is fine and dandy. I know he or she likely won't have such problems in his or her own life, so why would I want to that person to know that I have problems in mine?

Or, in the case that they do have their own trials and tribulations to deal with, why would they want to hear about mine when they have their own?

I once read somewhere (it's probably from a post right here on Elite Daily) that if we were to put all our problems in a pot, truthfully, even if we think that our problems are the worst out there, we'd still pick ours over anyone else's. That's when I decided to change my perspective.

I know it's hard to think, sometimes, that there are people in our lives who won't run away when something bad is happening because they don't want to deal with it themselves. But believe it or not, there are people who see it all -- the bad and the ugly -- and still want to be there to hold your hand and help you feel less alone.

They're the ones who sit right beside you when you're crying and just... sit there, holding you near, making sure you aren't cold. These are the same people who you call in the middle of the night because you can't sleep and they talk to you about nothing for hours or suggest watching TV while you put them on speaker. They won't even ask why you're up; they will just be there. They won't ever ask you to return the favor; they won't expect a “thank you.”

These are the people you have to remember will always been there.

Now, sometimes we don't have people around to look after us when we don't want to admit that we're down, or despite having them, we're still inclined to deal with it our own ways, alone. That doesn't make us weak because we can't ask for help, nor does it make us stronger than anyone else because we choose to handle things on our own.

I've found that writing helps me through a lot of the emotions that overwhelm me. I write about how I'm feeling, or anything that I'm thinking during these emotions, and I leave it all there. Sometimes, I write it down on a note on my laptop, a Post-it or even a napkin if that's all I have handy, and I throw it away.

It wouldn’t signify throwing away the feeling as my not wanting to deal with it; instead, it helps me get it out in a tangible way. Of course, there are other ways to release thoughts of emotion in more concrete ways. You just have to find one that allows you to let it go because when you do that, it brings you back to how you felt before, when you felt like yourself.

Even if sometimes it doesn't feel like you can ever be yourself after spending time in the dark, know that you will eventually be yourself again. Time really does heal all wounds. You don't have to forget them; just know that they were there temporarily.

I'm not okay.

Thanks for letting me tell you that.

Photo via We Heart It