The feeling is all too familiar: You open your eyes, and the only thought that comes to your mind is "f*ck." You are almost certainly in your outfit from the night before. You most likely have eyeliner smeared across your face in a way that resembles the Joker, and your breath is probably a glorious mix of bottom-shelf tequila and the $1 pizza you shoved into your mouth before you tried to make out with the man who sold it to you.
You have no idea where you are or why on earth you let yourself get peer-pressured into going out. But you do know the day ahead of you is about to be a rough one. Welcome to the Sunday scaries.
Here is your six-step guide to dealing with this day:
If you're not currently in your bed, evacuate the premises immediately. Ideally escape without waking up last night's mistake. Try tippie-toes that would make your kindergarten ballet teacher cry with happiness.
Make sure to grab any missing articles of clothing and loose change you happen to see on your way out: That sh*t adds up.
Hop in the first cab you see, and tell the driver you're in labor in order to ensure the quickest ride possible. If executed properly, this tactic should work for both women and men.
Shower: Seriously, do it.
You are probably carrying around three full beers worth of dried alcohol on your clothes. Sadly, the pepperoni stuck in your teeth from the night before is a look not even Beyoncé could rock.
Make sure you play loud music as you shower, ideally some kind of reggae or Biebs. This will ensure there are nothing but good vibes in there as you smother yourself with body wash, while simultaneously having flashbacks of being kicked out of the club last night.
The club couldn't handle Flo Rida either. It's a burden we must bear.
Eat something. Honestly, eat pretty much anything that has at least 1,000 calories and enough grease to last McDonald's through the remainder of 2016.
I would also highly recommend popping a vitamin B-12 (or seven) before you completely sober up. You'll thank me later.
Make sure to include approximately one to seven gallons of water with said meal. This may be substituted or supplemented with Gatorade or Pedialyte. Once the first meal has been completed, promptly move to the second meal with little to no delay.
Today is about recovery, and recovery means calories.
Erase all evidence ASAP. Yes, that includes the drunk text you sent to your co-worker about how you need a map because you get lost in his eyes, even though that is arguably the best pick up line of all time.
Make sure you also check your notes page, photos, Instagram and, most importantly, your Snap story. No one needs to see 120 seconds of you dancing to "Work" and drinking vodka tonics. Once all the evidence has been deleted, let go of a deep sigh of relief.
Once something has been deleted off the Internet, it never existed, right? Right, Kim K?
Put on a movie. This could be any movie that involves someone being equally or more reckless than you have been in the past 12 hours. I recommend "Jackass," "Trainwreck" or the classic, "Hangover." There's nothing like watching Bradley Cooper somehow look sexy while he's completely ruining his life. We probably looked like that last night too, right?
Pour yourself a mimosa. It's been a long day, and you deserve to celebrate.