Everyone Sucks: 5 Ways Facebook Reminds Me That I Don't Like People


Maybe it's the basic white girl in me, but Facebook has been a longtime daily — no, hourly— priority, which gives me joy. Until recently, that is.

I've always been a fan of social media in general. It was the most captivating way for me to keep in touch with friends while also showing off an awesome batch of cookies I devoured not more than a half an hour after posting them.

I always saw being social media-savvy as not only a fun character trait, but also something to boast about in interviews.

I don't entirely know what I was thinking, but working in journalism and public relations means I must be technologically capable in order to bring in more numbers to my company.

So, I over-familiarized myself with every social media outlet I could, Facebook being the king of all Kongs.

I've always seen myself as a people person — a people-pleaser even. It made me very uncomfortable if someone didn't like me, which is ironic, given I went into journalism, a field in which if everyone likes you, you aren't doing your job correctly.

All of this still remains true to a certain degree, but after a long era of Facebook obsession, it dawned on me: Facebook taught me to be who I am -- a bitter, people-hating shrew.

If there was ever an AA meeting for people who hate people because of Facebook, these symptoms would have to be included in the pamphlet:

1. I log off in a more terrible mood than before I logged on.

I've determined this is because other people's happiness frustrates me (refer back to the "bitter shrew" part of this article). Pete got engaged; Haley got a fancy, new job. I'm here with orange, cheesy fingertips, reevaluating my entire life.

2. Unfollowing friends is like a drug to me.

It's addicting and strangely satisfying. It surely puts me in a better mood.

It started with one or two people, just to clear up my news feed. Much liking skipping classes in college, after the first couple, the rest are like candy.

I've unfollowed so many people, my Facebook News Feed has just become Twitter with pictures of people's animals and pizza, which are the only important things in life, anyway.

Logging on to see a "super original" status update I already saw on Tumblr two weeks ago and 52 pictures of the same cookies someone baked is like watching an eternity of bad George Lopez reruns.

3. I click on a message so it's marked as "read" and then purposely don't respond.

I hate Facebook messenger, and I hate anyone who uses it.

The only time it is an acceptable form of communication is under dire circumstances, like not having a phone or something of that context. Let's get real here: It's 2015.

Everyone has a phone on which to text, and if someone doesn't, he or she will have one by tomorrow because we are a generation obsessed with technology.

4. The definition of irritating is posting on a friend's timeline and somebody sticking his or her nose in it.

Posting on another person's timeline means it's free for anyone to see or comment on. Any person with a functioning brain and a Facebook account understands this.

I, on the other hand, understand it as me having a moment with a friend and someone bursting into the conversation to answer a question I never asked.

If I wanted someone to talk about the last season of "Parks and Rec," I would have posted it on my wall, or better yet, that specific person's.

5. My posts are dedicated to mocking the few people I have left on my news feed.

Oh, you have a cat? I've got three dogs and they're all f*cking adorable and laying on me, showing their bellies in a field of daises.

I've posted far too many photos of myself and a mug of tea or an uneaten meal because it's ironic and amusing. Well, okay, honestly, it started that way, and then became a forced habit, and I've since become part of the population I despise. Anyway...

The one great thing that emerged from my revelation is I stopped giving a damn whether or not my peers like me. It's incredibly freeing to admit it. Dramatic, I know.

I'm a journalist, and as long as I get my job done, professionally and politely, of course, I just don't care. Insert pink shirt girl shrugging emoji here.