The other night, I found myself drunk and sulking in my bed because I'm single AF. To tell you the truth, I don't hate being single. I was really just super horny -- and my f*ck buddy was out of town for the weekend -- so I turned to the next best thing. Two words, my friends: 24/7 cookies.
There's a diner not far from my apartment that delivers food at any time of the night. Drunk Sheena who is eating alone never wants real food, though. So instead she put in an order for four cookies. Exactly four. No more, no less: one mint chocolate chip, one double chocolate fudge, one white chocolate macadamia, and one peanut butter.
The delivery guy arrived at my door around 3 am. I opened up the door to find a small man laughing in my face. Look, I don't know what this guy's problem was, but I couldn't help but take his laughter personally. I doubt someone told him a funny joke in the stairwell on his way up.
"Four cookies? Just cookies?"
I grabbed the cookies from him and slammed the door in his face. Unfortunately for me, I had already pre-tipped him, but I wanted to take it back. I wanted to un-tip that f*cker.
WTF was wrong with "just" cookies? Was he judging me for my pathetic single lifestyle or -- even worse -- was he calling me fat?!
The cookies were phenomenal. I regret nothing.
To cure my cookie woes, I asked other people if they've ever felt as humiliated as I did that night. Here are eight times people ordered food and felt personally victimized by their delivery people:
"I order late-night food while blacked out ALL of the time. All of my ex-roomies can't stand it because I sleep through the doorman buzzing me as well as the 15 missed calls I get from the delivery guy and the restaurant. I am too embarrassed in the morning to listen to the voicemails they leave me, so I erase them immediately and then wait another month before I attempt to order from them again. One time a really nice man left my order on the outside of my apartment door and I brought it in and my roommate ate it. The end."
-- Alice*, 23
"Legit, I one time was thirsty so I ordered five two-liter bottles of soda from a local deli in order to reach the eight-dollar minimum. No food. Just soda."
-- Elliot*, 25
"My boyfriend eats a shit-ton of ketchup, so one time he was over and I had put 'Please bring extra ketchup' in the instructions on one of his orders. One night afterward, I was alone and ordered Insomnia Cookies. When the delivery man arrived and I opened the door, he didn't say, "Hi, how are you?" He said: "How HIGH are you???" I wasn't high, so I got kind of offended and just said, "Excuse me?" He was like, 'You asked for extra ketchup with your cookies.' (I guess those instructions were on my general account and I didn't realize.) I couldn't get the words out to explain, so I just took my cookies and closed the door. He only brought me one cookie, by the way. I had ordered more than that (you have to; there's a minimum) but I guess he figured I was so high he could get one over on me. Giant fail overall."
-- Nancy*, 26
"I ordered a salad from a pizza place when I was really stoned. The delivery guy could totally tell and looked very confused. He said, 'Only someone who smokes alone would order a salad' and shook his head. Who said you can't make healthy choices when you're baked?"
-- Hannah*, 23
"During Hurricane Sandy, I ordered a pizza right before the weather got really bad in Brooklyn. (I know, there's a special place in hell reserved for people like me.) When the guy came (in a car, so I'm not a completely horrible person) to my apartment, I met him at the end of my stoop. The wind was pretty intense at that point, and he had to, like, cover the pizza with his jacket so it wouldn't get wet. If this wasn't already embarrassing enough, I decided to throw away TWO old pizza boxes in the outdoor trash cans when I picked up this delivery. He rolled his eyes too many times to count, but I did tip him like $15. (TY, Sam's Pizza.)"
-- Alexa*, 23
"I once ordered from the same place twice within two hours because I was still hungry. I lived in a five-story walkup at the time and, lo and behold, it was the same delivery guy the second time. He looked really pissed, so I called out to my imaginary roommate, 'Katie! Your food is here! OMG, you ordered from Opai Thai, too!? I just did that.' And signed the check and closed the door really fast."
-- Gigi, 25
"I ordered two days' worth of Chinese food because I knew I wasn't going to feel like cooking the next day either. The guy came and said, 'Just you here? Because it's a lot of food.' I was like, 'Uh, no' and fake-laughed. 'There's three of us, but they're in the basement.' He was like, 'Oh OK,' but gave me a funny look. No tip for him!"
-- Danielle*, 29
"I once ordered takeout Chinese. The delivery guy told me that after I get a man I will be able to stop eating Chinese and eat real food. The guy I was with at the moment asked, 'What did ordering Chinese had anything to do with getting a guy?' He did not let me tip the delivery guy!"
-- Nadia, 23
The moral of this story? Don't EVER feel bad for ordering just four cookies.
*Name has been changed.