Talking to adults has never been my thing. I used to (OK, still sometimes do) pitifully pay my friends to pretend to be me and make my uncomfortable grown-up phone calls, like canceling the fitness class I no longer want to go to way past the deadline or inquiring about the return policy at some sketchy online website.
Other real life things I never seemed to ace before graduating into a full-time person include: handing the delivery man the correct tip, memorizing my social security number, separating the dry-clean-onlies from the cold wash and looking put-together at 8:30 in the morning.
In fact, probably the only thing I’ve really learned and mastered is accepting the truth that I am terrible a real life. The simplest things are, for some reason, 1,000 times harder for people like me.
Everything from heating up the Trader Joe’s pizza correctly to troubleshooting the Internet connection is a struggle and requires at least one bottle of wine and calming affirmations. What can I say? My success at real life still lies somewhere in my imagination.
There are two types of people in this world: those who think life is all rainbows and butterflies and those who only get soaked before the rainbow and are stuck in the dirt with the caterpillars.
Here are the 28 signs you are really bad at real life.
1. You don’t understand the concept of making the bed when you’re just going to get back in it again.
2. You never have cash on you. And if you do, it’s because you recently stopped in a Walgreens where they prompted you to remember to take out $20. Too bad you can’t even meet the minimum.
3. You see a therapist called Vino, every day. It’s your form of consistency in an ever-changing world.
4. The only time you see groceries are when your parents convince you to go home. And then you also do your food shopping in their cabinets.
5. You don’t go to the doctor when you’re sick. You wait until the verge of death and then reluctantly visit the medical clinic.
6. You can’t save anything -- even your life.
7. The biggest event of your entire spring is the opening of "Furious 7," which I guess isn’t saying much considering it’s still 40 degrees out. #Wintering.
8. You’ve started rinsing water in the shampoo bottle because you still haven’t stopped and picked up more.
9. Your makeup is always built on the previous day’s leftovers. Oh this? It’s the new smoky eye.
10. When you run out of underwear, you wear a bathing suit. A one piece is really just a Beyoncé bodysuit at this point.
11. You have your credit card number memorized, but you can’t remember to call Mom.
12. You mess up anything that actually matters, usually government-related. This includes: that tax rebate everyone’s been talking about; your ability to conceal smelly pot; rent stuff; that time you illegally interned…
13. You live out of your purse. Bonus points if you also tote around a gym bag that’s packed with everything except actual gym clothes.
14. Your travel deodorant is your main bitch. You’ve never actually bought the full-sized one, but that’s not because you’re cheap. It’s because you can’t seem to get through a mini anti-perspirant without losing it first.
15. You’ve drunk cried to your mom twice already and it’s only Wednesday. Is it bad that this feels like an improvement compared to last week?
16. You only have condiments never condoms. (Just kidding, people! Both are really cool to use excessively!)
17. You frequently find yourself on the eighth page of Reddit in a very bad, dark, dark place where pro-ana sites and Bill Cosby memes lie.
18. You can’t remember the last time you washed your sheets. They don’t get dirty anyway, right? Only if you eat ice cream in them, which you absolutely do (...not?). This brings us to...
19. You fall asleep with half-eaten food, wake up and continue eating it. No shame.
20. You have a savings account that has the three dollar minimum in it... But you did just book a vacation!
21. You sometimes daydream about getting hit by a car moving under 25 miles per house just to pay off your student loans. Maybe just put a pinky finger out into oncoming traffic? See what happens?
22. You’ve been avoiding the outside world and pop culture for so long that you started confusing “The Onion” for real news.
23. You still need a guarantor. You’re not quite sure if this is for your life insurance or your renter’s.
24. Wikipedia is not just your go-to source for information and history. It’s your daily novel, your doctor, your shrink, your best friend (when you use the read-aloud function) and pharmacist.
25. You’ve been known to completely pass out with your shoes still on, still sober.
26. You consider "reheating cold delivered french fries in the oven" a form of gourmet meal prep.
27. You rip more holes in your stockings so it feels like it was a choice.
28. You can’t even get through this entire post, let alone a 9-to-5 job without Googling something weird and off-topic.