Unless you know how to teleport, you’ve probably taken an Uber a few times.
I’ve had many Friday and Saturday evenings (and a few Sunday brunches) that have resulted in my need for the service. Although a personal driver isn’t technically in my current budget, I dish out the $11 to $25 justifiably. I make each and every Uber trip an adventure.
There are two ways to view your Uber driver: 1) someone whose job it is to get you to the bar before it starts charging cover, or 2) someone whose path has fatefully crossed yours for a reason other than saving you from getting a DUI.
I adopt the latter viewpoint.
As I have always received a bizarre sense of enjoyment from taking cabs, my Uber rides are a gift from the universe. They are a chance for me to explore the perplexing human race, and to hopefully make an authentic connection with someone who used to be a total stranger.
Regardless of what unfolds during your Uber trip, you eventually exit your ride and rate your driver, and your driver rates you.
You both get on with your jolly (and likely separate) evenings.
Ratings are a huge part of our existence. Rotten Tomatoes enlightens us about what movies are worth our while, and Yelp advises us where we should order our next pad thai from. At work, we have performance reviews and evaluations. In school and college, we receive grades.
All these rating systems offer us insight into the details of our world, but the most important rating of all is the one we receive from Uber. This is the rating that (unintentionally) reveals how we’re performing in this crucial field of humanity.
Here is what your rating says about you:
Congratulations! You are rocking the sh*t out of being a human!
You should add this qualification to your résumé immediately; everyone will totally hire you.
You must have really made an impression on your driver. Perhaps, you wowed him with your ability to fold the receipts you found in the bottom of your purse into intricate prehistoric animals. Or maybe, you expressed your views on Donald Trump’s political career by parodying “Cheerleader.”
Or maybe, the two of you discussed your favorite Thanksgiving traditions and bonded over the fact marshmallow-topped yams is the most divine side dish of all.
Earning this elite ranking is no easy feat, and maintaining it is even harder. If you’ve made it to the five-star club, you’ve proven you're the ultimate people person.
Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back; you’ve earned it!
You’re the kind of Uber rider who sits in the front seat and goes beyond the simple, “Thank you.” You compliment the driver for his respectable R. Kelly playlist before taking control of the speakers.
And when you do, you pick a song you know you’ll both enjoy, like Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack.”
Perhaps you lost a star because you couldn’t control your drunk friend's armpit orchestra in the backseat. Or maybe, you forgot to buckle up.
Either way, don’t sweat it. Just keep on working at it, and you’ll be sure to earn that fifth star in no time!
Hooray! You’re perfectly mediocre. And technically, there isn't anything wrong with that.
You officially had enough money in your bank account to pay for the Uber, managed to avoid throwing up all over your driver’s back seat and waited until you entered your Saturday night squeeze’s apartment to unzip his pants.
You lost some stars for giving that over-the-pants hand job, though.
No, your Uber driver didn’t have eyes in the back of his head. It’s called a rearview mirror, silly!
Your driver totally empathizes with the fact you haven’t had sex in, like, eight months. But, it would've been nice of you to exchange just a few more words than “Yo, thanks bro.”
Oopsy daisy! It’s time for a healthy dose of self-reflection.
Try not to get your panties in a bunch, but you’re on the verge of total human disconnection. You forgot to use your manners, and you didn’t offer a slice of pizza to your driver after you insisted he stop and wait while you went in to grab a slice.
You even wiped your greasy hands on the interior of his freshly vacuumed Subaru Outback. Tsk, tsk!
It’s time to take a look in the side mirror and consider how you take your Uber driver (and probably others around you) for granted. Having fun and living in the moment is fabulous, but make sure you aren’t running over anyone in the process.
Ink, pink, you stink! It’s time to regain control of your humanity. You should definitely try getting behind the wheel of an Uber yourself one of these days.
Based on your score, you’ve most likely puked in an Uber or two. Why don’t you take some time off from drinking, earn some extra cash and learn what it’s like to hold a conversation with someone without being totally blasted?
I’m sure you’ll come to find people can be pretty groovy, if you take the opportunity to chat with them.
I mean, you’re pretty cool, and you’re driving an Uber, right? By the time you’re ready to switch back to your original position in the Uber ride, you won’t be “riding bitch” anymore.
Who knows, you might even come to find you prefer being on the road more than being in the bar.
Not to sound like I have an Uber fetish or anything, but I get excited about the prospect of who my next Uber driver will be. A star-crossed lover? A long-lost cousin? Me, visiting from the future?
If you spend the whole ride denying the driver of his or her humanity, chances are you’ll never be able to find out.
So, good people, I say unto you, seize your Uber rides! Anything can happen in the magical moments spent getting from point A to point B.
After all, a wise Pinterest pin once said, “Life’s about the journey, not the destination.”