What Are You Doing Here? The 10 Signs You're Too Old To Be In The Club

by Eddie Cuffin

We get it. Everyone loves to go out and have a blast -- popping bottles in a club, surrounded by a good group of people, can be a great time. However, there comes a point in your life when you just no longer fit in with the crowd.

There is a reason everyone else looks twice as young as you and it's because they are. We will all reach that pivotal moment in our lives when it's time to retire and let our jersey hang in the rafters. Our name will be mentioned amongst legends. This is about the time you realize that you're just too old for the club.

Let your name linger for legendary stories as your mark has already been made in the nightlife scene. You are a legend, but your time is over. There is no need for you to pop bottles and to impress young girls anymore, accept that your time has come. Here are the 10 signs you're too old for the club:

You have to hire a babysitter just so you can go out.

If you're hiring a babysitter just to go out, you might as well put on you PJs, turn on Netflix and watch a movie. Why go through the added stress of finding a babysitter just so you can have some "fun" out in the town?

You don't get IDed at the door.

If your hair is turning grey and your beard is peppered with white hair, there is a reason you're not getting IDed at the door. No, it's not because you're cool with all the bouncers and the doorman is your homie, it's because you actually look way older than the legal drinking age. Don't fight it, just quit while you're ahead.

You put the bill on your debit card, not your credit card.

If you're financially stable enough to afford the full night's bill on your debit card, then you're just way too old to be there. That's some next level finances right there that usually come with years of work experience. You're probably an SVP or Partner at a company, there is no need for you to be out there partying hard with young'uns.

You keep comparing the club to Studio 54.

Studio 54 Radio

If at any point you mention Studio 54 like you've actually been there in its prime, then you should take the hint and realize that you're too old for this place. It is highly likely that no one else around you has been to Studio 54 and can't relate to your opinion.

We get it. Clubbing and nightlife will never be the same, but it's not for you to sit there and mope around about the good 'ol club days when you should be at home with your family.

You complain that the music is too loud and you can't hear the people around you.

I doubt that people go to clubs to talk to one another. It's more of a social scene for drugs and lots of sex. You aren't really meant to go out and have a casual conversation at a club... that's what lounges are for. Don't be that dude who complains about the music being too loud when you're not meant to be here in the first place.

You're actually financially stable enough to save the bottle girl.


We all know that being a bottle girl isn't the best job a girl can have. What can be worse than carrying countless, overpriced bottles of alcohol to tables of people who, at some point or another, will try to sleep with you?

While we all do feel bad for the bottle girl, there are a select few people who can actually save her. If you find yourself financially capable of saving the bottle girl from her job and can keep her living comfortably, then you shouldn't be in the club. Go find yourself a wife and start a family.

You've been to three generations of clubs in the same venue.

Guest of A Guest

All good things must come to an end. This is especially true for the nightlife scene; very few clubs last due to the cutthroat ways of the industry.

While it is normal for venues to change over time, it is not normal for you to be at one venue while it has undergone three or more changes. Just chill out and retire already.

People around you ask if you manage or own the club.

When you find people coming up to you and saying that they like what you've done with the place, then you're clearly too old. There is no reason anyone should think you manage or own the club. When you find yourself in this position, pay the bill and leave. Your time is officially done.

The girls at your table are the same age as your daughter.


There is no reason you should be in the club if everyone around you is your daughter's age. If you don't see that there is something wrong here then you have a problem.

Although young girls tend to like older men and you have been using this loophole to your advantage, just know there eventually comes a time when you have to hang it up.

You actually thought about putting out an AMBER alert for Molly.


For some reason everyone around you is asking about this girl Molly. Unfortunately, you haven't met her and don't know what she looks like. Being the nice person that you are, you thought about putting out an AMBER alert for this poor little girl.

Top photo credit: The Chive