I wouldn't have been able to handle life or Twitter in the event of Bono's tragic death.
U2 may be restlessly grounded atop the city walls they used to scale, but it's haunting to think their humanitarian frontman almost perished in the clouds as unexpectedly as Songs of Innocence descended from The Cloud.
Following unprecedented backlash from their infamously innovative $100 million gift, U2 is planning a massive 2015 redemption tour. Bono is also at the forefront of the new “Share the Sound of an AIDS FREE GENERATION” initiative, leading up to World AIDS Day on December 1.
As a proud (and shameless) U2 fan, I cringe while envisioning the insufferable Internet reaction to Bono's passing at such a busy juncture.
Inevitable "South Park"-inspired snark and 140-character obituaries would be consuming our feeds and we'd all have to start wearing sunglasses indoors to avoid losing sight of what truly makes Bono's voice soar.
This is especially concerning, given Kim Kardashian's gargantuass recently obstructed the digital landscape.
Bono's ego may be the only thing bigger than Kim Kardashian's booty, but the world is certainly a more conscious and forward-thinking place with him in the picture.
If the rocker's Learjet failed to stick the landing, imagine the awkward conflict between meaningful digital mourning (if there really is such a thing) and Mrs. West's quest for attention that would have ensued.
While it's no One Campaign or (PRODUCT)RED, a global movement to "Break the Internet" is actually pretty ambitious. Sex will always sell and boldly embracing new media is the only way print publications can carry on.
But unfortunately for Kim K and Paper Magazine, the Internet is already broken. That butt was never realistically slipping through the cracks.
Although hateful tweets and exposed nude selfies are quite different, it's refreshing to see two of Hollywood's most gifted actresses confronting the web head on. It's especially affecting when juxtaposed with a talentless troll, commandeering smaller screens through her rear.
Paper Magazine didn't break the Internet — we did.
But, is it beyond repair? Anonymous comments, Twitter aliases, click-baiting, instant memeification, The Fappening and a seemingly unquenchable thirst for flash mob wedding proposal videos are symptomatic of a toxic online culture that is far more contagious than Ebola.
Accomplished public figures worthy of multilayered envy should command more of our attention and clicks, but it's unfair to hold one champagne-catching app mogul accountable for the pollution of networks where we've all dumped some garbage.
Historically short attention spans and relentless pursuit of immediate gratification have created a vast breeding ground for Kardashian-esque pop-cultural viruses to spread.
For someone so passionate about his art, technology and important global issues, why doesn't Bono strive to affect and advance the online narrative? For years, he's abstained from tweeting or using any other prominent social forums.
He may be on to something, but what if the world needs his (and U2's) grandiose idealism more than ever before? What if the timing of Bono's near-death experience wasn't simply coincidence, but rather a call to Internet action?