Hey, you over there about to eat a slice of pizza, holding it like a frisbee! Didn’t anyone ever tell you that you’re supposed to fold that bad boy, not munch on it like you’re playing a keyboard?
For all the foodies, dessert-porn voyeurs, Instagram braggarts and people who simply enjoy eating, here are the 31 unspoken food rules:
1. Eat both types of chicken wings, or don’t eat any at all. It’s cruel and unfair to ruin the bone ratio because you only like to eat drumsticks and not the wing.
2. Pizza must be eaten with your hands at all times. A person who consumes pizza using anything other than his natural appendages will be disqualified.
3. Frozen yogurt, you do and forever will have calories. Stop trying to fool people that you are not ice cream! You are enjoyed with sprinkles, cookie dough and chocolate sauce. You are exactly like ice cream.
4. A word on knife skills: PB&J gets cut down the middle. Grilled cheese goes on the diagonal. Anyone who messes this up had a compromised childhood.
5. Frozen is better, especially when it comes to desserts: Mallomars, Cool Whip and M&M’s, in particular
6. There’s no excuse not to use chopsticks, even if you have to rubber band them together. Failing to do so offends the sushi chef and everyone else who is watching you eat sticky rice with a fork.
7. Breakfast can be eaten at any time -- just ask any college kid eating cereal for his fifth dinner in a row.
8. Simple is nice; loaded is better. This is a universal rule for all food, including, but not limited to, baked potatoes, sandwiches, hamburgers, sundaes, nachos, parfaits, gyros and burritos.
9. If I share my popcorn at the movies, you better share your gummy bears… or Raisinettes... or both. But I’m getting my own soda.
10. It’ll rip your mouth apart and you’re guaranteed to smell after, but always go for the salt and vinegar chips. They’re worth it.
11. Never regret adding hot sauce. Spice is the flavor of life, people! (…or something like that.)
12. Discretely drinking your leftover salad dressing is completely acceptable, regardless if it’s called a “condiment.” Sigh, if only our forks were spoons and we could sip balsamic vinaigrette like it’s soup.
13. If there’s punch at the party, make it your business to spike it. The more creative, the better.
14. Purple flavoring tastes like cough syrup -- every time, guaranteed. Don’t even try pretending like grape Jolly Ranchers don’t taste like Dimetapp.
15. Dip and turn the chip. This means if you dip one edge of a chip into your guac and take a bite, you then have to use the other side for the second dip. Mind = blown.
16. Fries and milkshake make the perfect couple. What can we say? Salty and sweet gets us every time.
17. Someone has to eat the orange Starbursts. There’s only four flavors; now is not the time to be picky!
18. There is no such thing as too much butter -- just ask my ass.
19. Taking the best bite of the sandwich is like spoiling the end of the movie. You literally just robbed us of all the fun and you can’t take it back. Thanks for nothing, punk!
20. If you are over the age of three, it is no longer acceptable to rock a red Gatorade mustache. Don’t be that guy.
21. A really, really good cookie is always worth the calories. Domino’s pizza isn’t and we aren’t going to sit here idly and let you continue falsely believing it is.
22. Hot chocolate can only be enjoyed if you’re wearing comfy pants. Otherwise, we recommend the cappuccino.
23. If you wear a white shirt while eating tomato sauce, you’re going to stain it. It’s another one of those Laws of the Universe.
24. Mashed potatoes can never been digested cold. There's scientific evidence.
25. Ranch can double as a meal when eaten with only bread to soak it up. We maintain, this isn’t gross. Same for mustard sandwiches… too far? Just us?
26. Cupcakes have frosting only on top for a reason. If they didn’t, they would be called whoopie pies. The icing-to-cake ratio is sacred. Don’t try to change a classic.
27. Never toast a fresh bagel. It’s insulting to fluffy carbs everywhere.
28. Fancy-flavored chips, Oreos and Goldfish do not taste as good as their originals and are definitely not healthy for you. Stick to the basics when it comes to processed food (we are aware of how odd this sounds).
29. Corn on the cob > corn kernels. Don’t get it twisted just because you spent eight months in high school with braces.
30. You must eat two donuts at a time -- one for each hip.
31. Fries, well done. Every time. All the time.