The 20 Things I Wish I Didn't Remember

by Sonal Batavia

There are probably more than twenty things I wish I didn’t remember. The fact is the world we live in today is filled with a lot of strange things and people and sometimes it’s hard to ignore the weird realities of our generation. I tend to validate my decision to entrench myself in the mishaps I witness outside my own life as simply a way to ‘learn from others mistakes,’ and perhaps for an easy laugh or two every now and then. I encourage you to embrace the same philosophy.

1. Two girls one cup

I don’t think I watched this abominable YouTube video for more than two seconds, but in that span, the momentary sound was enough to insinuate long-term continuous gag reflexes at its recall. Why as a human species we are so attracted to creating and watching atrocity will forever ponder me.

2. The man who gave birth

All the power to this man (former woman) for making it to the Guinness World Records and probably fending off a plethora of religious haters all to realize a biological family dream, but the public announcement of this decision was extremely unnecessary. I don’t want to remember the implanted male genitalia I witnessed attached to your pregnant belly. Sorry, maybe in another lifetime.

3. Heidi Montag, 258 surgical procedures later

In the past decade, MTV has arguably become the ‘gateway network’ responsible for producing some of the most public Gen-Y disappointments (Snooki, Tila Tequila, pregnant 16-year-old fame, etc). Heidi Montag from "The Hills" however, is one that stands out at as an exemplar of what can go wrong when reality TV fame eats you alive. In an interview about her surgeries, she says this about her breast implants: “They’re triple Ds or Fs pretty much, I wanted ‘H’ for Heidi, but that didn’t really happen….” Gen-Y, be better than this.

4. The day Pluto stopped being a planet

This revelation has disrupted my long-retained astronomy knowledge from elementary school. There better not be any other announcements on the livelihood of other planets, especially Jupiter or Saturn, otherwise I may have to stage a petition intervention in defense of "Sailor Moon." Don’t judge, you all watched it too.

5. Sarah Palin’s “English”

Palin tweeted this in response to being ridiculed for making up words and believing rather than being illiterate that she was a literary genius: “'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!'"

6. Amanda Bynes in the present

Britney Spears part two has returned in the form of Bynes, and possibly a worse version of what the former pop queen was. The bong throwing, bizarre tweets and slandering… this just makes me awfully sad when I remember her on the ‘The Amanda Show.”

7. The "Full House" emotional soundtrack

Sometimes I feel like if there isn’t a long b flat or b major soundtrack overshadowing the ‘ah-hah’ moment in my life with me on a pink girl's bed with Danny Tanner’s arm around me imparting “wisdom,” it’s just not a real life lesson.

8. The song "Chicken Noodle Soup"

Whoever is responsible for producing this song should be seriously ashamed of themselves. There are few things unacceptable in music (especially in this era of ‘hip hop music’ or whatever), but no one should have to be subject to this type of creative failure. Please stick to gospel if you can’t make it work.

9. "American Idol" “success” William Hung

Did you know that this kid dropped out of Berkley to pursue his “musical career”? His awful rendition of "She bang" and repeat performances that followed were a result of a bunch of bored television producers who sat in a room and went too far with a practical joke. All that said a music label did sign him…likely a bad decision considering he’s now a technical crime analyst.

10. Michael Richard’s (Kramer from "Seinfeld") racist rant

Kramer was probably one of best characters on "Seinfeld." His casual stumble in, shambled hair and unclear life ambitions were both uncanny and unparalleled in media. We loved him for 10 years on the show about nothing, and then he ranted: “…. that’s what happens when you interrupt a white man.” Sad, sad, sad, why Kramer?

11. Dumb quotes by George Bush

One of many: ‘‘it is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.” No comment.

12. The day they stopped serving pizza at McDonald's

It was brief, but glorious; once upon a time McDonalds had some of the MOST delicious pan pizza and served it directly to your table with a cutter and plates and all. Imagine that at the golden M.

13. The return and eventual decline of "Beverly Hills 90210"

The first ending of the original series was painful enough, and although the return of the show on CW had notable moments, its attempt to revitalize the essence of the cool teens in the early nineties living the Cali dream just didn’t quite make it. Some things are better left in the past.

14. The day Michael Jackson….

I don’t think anyone especially wants to remember last days, but this was especially heartbreaking. Despite all the controversy surrounding MJ and his life, there is no denying that he made beautiful music, was an exceptional performer and the musical world is little less exciting without him around.

15. Donald Trump being creepy

As if most of us weren’t already annoyed after Trump’s poor attempts to reclaim success via reality television, then he had to go say this publicly: “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” Keep it incest free please Trump.

16. Oxford Dictionary 12th edition declares ‘sexting’ a word

Read and weep. The official (partial) definition of the Gen-Y created word:

[with object] (usually as noun sexting) send (someone) sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone.

[no object]:the primary reason teenagers sext is to look cool and sexy to someone they find attractive.

17. The rise of Crocs

Someone hated crocs so much they started an entire website called ‘Ihatecrocs’ and Facebook groups dedicated to ranting against them. People need to listen to Tim Gun more often: "...the Croc -- it looks like a plastic hoof. How can you take that seriously?” Preach Gun, preach.

18. Cookie Monster has to start eating vegetables

Blaming a blue fictional character on "Sesame Street" for your child’s obesity issues, I am going to have to argue against this. For those who grew up with Cookie, we’d like to see him continue to enjoy cookies…at an acceptable consumption level.

19. "Toddlers & Tiaras"

The title of this show is so deceiving; what we think is going to be a group of adorable tots running around in pretty dresses is really a nightmare of moms trying to live out their unrealized dreams through their six-year-old children or rather just earn some fast fame to escape their boring lives. Whatever the case, it needs to end now.

20. O-Town’s "Liquid Dreams"

Seriously, gross. Teenage girls don’t want to hear supposed to be ‘cool’ boy bands sing about this stuff, ever, and it should be no surprise it was produced by MTV.

Maybe some of these things aren’t your typical ‘ha has,’ but there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk, so you may as well laugh your silly bones away until the pain from others' sad mistakes or your own are gone away. That said, try not to be a contender on my next list: "Twenty more things I wish I didn’t remember." Be better Gen-Y.

Sonal Batavia | Elite.

Phote Courtesy: Tumblr