The 10 Mistresses President Obama Should Consider To Get His Bill Clinton On With

by Eddie Cuffin

We live in a time where nothing you do goes unnoticed, celebrities and politicians have never been under more scrutiny than they are now. Every one of their moves is being watched and recorded so the media can have a panic attack when something happens. In this very watchful time, some people still have the will to step outside of their boundaries.

Recently Anthony Weiner has been caught sending dick pics out (again) and it may cost his mayoral campaign. Now we know politicians aren't the best role models, as people in power have a tendency to overstep their boundaries. Even presidents were known to have stepped out of their lanes in order to get some side action. Bill Clinton is a prime example.

Now that Obama is officially in his second term in office, he doesn't have to worry about re-election, so it's time to have some fun. Obama may need a mistress to help relieve him of his stressful role as the leader of this country. Here are the potential mistresses President Obama should pipe in order to get him back to prominence:

Monica Lewinsky

What's a sex scandal without paying homage to the greats before you? It's time our president follows in the footsteps of the true first black president, Bill Clinton, and takes down the only woman who has been down for the cause since day one. Maybe Bill can give number 44 some helpful tips on staying off the radar since he wasn't able to completely pull off the stunt himself.


If you want to be the man, you're going to have to take down the Queen Bee. In this moment in time, Jay Z and Beyoncé comprise the most powerful couple. If Obama wants to make a statement for himself, he's going to have to tell Jay to stay at 1Oak  while our president makes Beyoncé his substitute first lady for the night. Hey, Jay can't take any offense, he voted for the man to be put in office right, now he has to deal with the consequences.

Huma Abedin

Unfortunately, Huma has been left to hang dry. Her vagina hasn't seen action in months and cob webs are certainly beginning to form down there. Since Anthony Weiner is busy sending dick pics and running for mayor, it's time our boy big O came to Huma's rescue. He just needs to take it town for the pure fact that Anthony Weiner isn't giving her the right amount of attention. Don't worry Huma, your husband wouldn't even notice, he'll be so busy on the stand trying to defend the honor of Carlos Danger that he won't even be worried about the fact that Obama is plowing you in his oval office.

Kim Kardashian

So Obama heard Kim likes black athletes, but would she like a black president? Now that Kim has officially given birth to North West, it's time she pops that booty down south for your president. Hey, at least Kanye won't mind, as it seems he's too preoccupied with a Canadian model to care. Maybe Kim has a chance to out beat Farrah Abraham's Vivid Video debut -- and having a sex scandal with Obama will greatly boost her talentless career.

Sydney Leathers

While your boy Carlos Danger (Anthony Weiner) is too busy sending out pictures of his wiener, your boy Obama should try to give Sydney the pipe. Obama knows what time it is, as a name like Sydney Leathers only means one thing -- she was raised by strippers. Obama has no time to send pictures of his meat, as he is a busy man, and he certainly doesn't want Edward Snowden releasing files of his meat to the world through the NSA files.

Kate Middleton

Kate is fresh off a baby and while Prince William is tending to the baby's every needs, your boy Obama should show Britain who's boss. In one of the wings of Buckingham Palace far away from the cries of the young baby, Obama will be cashing out and making Kate scream her lungs out. He will give her the business like Prince William never has, all while making her recite the "Pledge of Allegiance." What better way is there to encourage diplomacy than by teaching Kate a thing or two about how we do things out here in America?

Hillary Clinton

Hillary has been on a stressful run these couple of weeks, as she has been traveling the globe to help our relations overseas. Well now that she is on her way back to America, our boy Obama has a surprise for her in the oval office. What will relieve her stress quite like a quick pipe from Obama? Now that Bill is in hot water again for tapes in which he asks Monica for sex, why shouldn't Hillary have her own fun? She is in Obama's cabinet right?

Farrah Abraham

The backdoor teen mom needs to get that back door D from O. There are no ifs, ands, or butts about it, if Farrah wants to become famous, Obama will boost her career like no other. We already saw the great skills she portrayed in her home made video with James Deen and don't think Obama is oblivious to those skills. If she did all that in a four star hotel room, imagine what she will do in the White House.

Amanda Bynes

For some reason Amanda cannot stay out the news and it's time someone knocked some sense into her. Our president needs to step up to the plate and help set this wild generation straight by making an example of this woman. Obama needs to take this down and f*ck her brains out because she has been looking for D in the wrong places. A consistent flow of that presidential vitamin D will be sure to have Amanda back on the right track in no time.

Out of Rehab Lilo

Poor Lilo has been through a lot, she has slept with countless men and her nose has taken so much coke you can run a slalom. Obama needs to team up with the DEA and give this woman some D in the A. Obviously Lilo is fresh out of rehab and Obama has been truly stressed as of recent times.

There is no way better to relieve stress than by taking a few lines off the oval desk and giving Lilo the business. This will be Lilo's chance at a comeback. What a story, see what happens when you never give up on your dreams? Second chances do come true and Obama needs to prove to this woman that this is the land full of second opportunities.

Bonus: Nina Agdal

For Obama's wild side, he needs something younger, faster and tighter and what better woman to provide him with that than the gorgeous Nina Agdal? This young woman has great potential and Obama needs to make a statement by taking that down. Now that she is officially old enough to drink, Obama can invite her to the oval banquets and while everyone is enjoying their time, Obama can take Nina out back for some TLC.

Photo credit: WENN