Ah, contact lenses. Can't live with 'em, and Lord knows you can't live without 'em, either.
When I got my first pair of contacts, I was ecstatic. I figured my glasses-clad days as "Urkel" were finally behind me, and I looked forward to brighter days as "Jaleel White."
I mean, if he could go from TV's biggest dweeb to "Dancing with the Stars," simply by shedding his eyeglasses – I assumed the sky would be the limit.
Well, I was wrong – which, yeah, seems to be a common theme in my life.
I soon learned that contact lenses, like all things, have pros as well as cons. Aside from annihilating all hope I once had in becoming an astronaut, contact lenses can get discouraging for a variety of other reasons, too.
Despite it all, we contact-wearers take the good with the bad–and continue to pray for the day they invent lenses we can wear in the pool.
Until then, let's just embrace the struggles, and take pride in the fact that we don't have to wear glasses. Oh, glasses are now in style? Wow. Here you go.
10. If one falls out, you’re pretty much shafted
Unless you have the mentality of an Italian/Jewish mother of four, and have the foresight to always keep an extra set of lenses on you, losing a contact can be extremely detrimental.
Allow me to remind you, contact lenses do, in fact, cost money. So when one falls out, you’re essentially tossing a few bucks on the floor in exchange for minimal vision.
Yeah, and then there’s that whole thing about minimal vision. You ever try driving with one functioning eye? That’s why so many pirate ships end up shipwrecked.
Wow, OK, I'm gonna stay away from all eyepatch/pirate jokes in the future.
9. You can’t sleep anywhere
For the regular contact lens wearer, impromptu sleepovers are the epitome of a hassle – especially if sex is involved. Don’t just take my word for it.
Try interrupting the dirty talk – after getting invited back to some chick’s apartment – just to make sure she has proper cleaning supplies (and maybe an extra case) for your contact lenses, afterwards. I'm sure it'll go over great.
8. They’re always something extra to remember
I’ve always thought it was pretty unfair that people who wear contacts have yet another thing to worry about, when packing their sh*t for vacations and such.
Put it this way, it’s a miracle if I manage to pack underwear -- or a BELT, for that matter. It would require superhuman foresight to remember a few extra lenses and a travel-sized bottle of rewetting drops.
7. You always look like you’re crying at the most inopportune times.
God forbid a little dust gets swept up by the wind and blown into your eye while playing a game of two-hand touch with your cronies this Thanksgiving.
Now, not only did you drop a sure-shot touchdown due to temporary blindness, but you also look like you just sat through "Brian’s Song" thrice, consecutively, while chopping up onions.
C’mon, man (cue Mike Ditka voice). There’s no crying in football.
6. Whenever you actually do wear your glasses, people bug out
On those rare occasions where you say “f*ck it,” throw caution to the wind, and decide to actually wear your glasses for once – you might think that you’re saving yourself some trouble, however, the alternative is far more irritating.
Imagine having to hear, “OMG YOU WEAR GLASSES?,” I don’t know, HUNDREDS of times throughout the course of your day.
Like, CLEARLY I WEAR GLASSES, that’s why I’M CURRENTLY WEARING GLASSES. And then they’ll ask to try them on. But, why? WHY????? I'll never understand that. They're on your face. You cannot see how they look on your own face.
5. Colored contacts are only dope in theory
IN THEORY, colored contacts work. Would I like a pair of big ass blue eyes? I mean, I wouldn't not want one. Dudes can get away with so much sh*t off the strength of their eyes, I've seen it personally. In fact, in many ways, blue eyes are the male-equivalent of "big breasts."
Going 77 in a 30? Don't sweat it, Mrs. Officer couldn't write you that speeding ticket because she was too busy melting from your "piercing" gaze. Those type of situations add to the allure of colored contacts.
Nevertheless, I could never consider myself a full proponent of colored contacts, simply because... YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM OUT EVENTUALLY.
Ultimately, whatever triumphs you might've enjoyed while sporting a pair of Sinatra-blue eyes will assuredly go down the toilet once you take them out – and she realizes your eyes are actually sh*t brown.
4. You can’t really watch TV before you sleep, at least not with much clarity
I, personally, need the TV on in order to fall asleep, and even when the TV’s on, things can still get complicated. See, because I have trash eyesight, this becomes all but impossible.
Observe the following. On one hand, you can’t wear your contacts – because you’re f*cked if you fall asleep with them still in. And, let’s not forget, that is the goal.
But, on the other hand, you can’t wear your glasses, either – because, well, thick pieces of glass, surrounded by thick pieces of plastic, are extremely uncomfortable (not to mention, unsafe) to sleep in.
3. Smoking weed is a nightmare
While you might not see the point of marijuana being illegal, that’s partially because you can’t see much of anything, given the dryness of your eyes after milking the bong once or twice.
I mean, hey, eyes get dry after smoking pot – it’s only natural. That said, when you’re stoned and lack the retinal lubrication needed to blink without a contact lens falling out of your eye – it’s not so natural, anymore.
2. Finding hardened contacts all over the floor.
Too drunk/stoned/lazy to walk to the bathroom and dispose of your contacts in their proper receptacle? Of course you are.
On that account, you take your lenses out while lying in bed – and ingeniously flick them onto the floor – where they eventually become little crunchy shells that you step on every time you walk around barefoot. But at least you saved yourself a trip.
1. Ben Stein is your homeboy
Whenever we’re in need, with dry eyes and full hearts, Ben Stein is there for us with a pocket-sized bottle of “Clear Eye.”
I’m not sure why we contact-wearers feel such a spiritual bond to Ben Stein, but we do, and wouldn’t trade his boring, monotonous ass for another spokesperson – even if Taylor Swift auditioned for as replacement.
On second thought, Taylor Swift cries way too often, publicly, to ever be affiliated with “Clear Eye.” Her eyes are seldom clear.
Okay, bad example.