51 Signs You're Self-Destructive And Give Zero F*cks About Changing

by Kaitlyn Cawley

I didn’t always know I was self-destructive. It wasn’t a choice I spontaneously made when I turned 16 and sipped on that first Bacardi Ice in a damp, dark basement (sorry, Mom).

I didn’t know the fact I’d forgo sleep for days in favor of dizzying dance floors and embark on three-day benders with absolute strangers meant I was destroying myself from the inside out.

But I did know I loved it.

I loved waking up on Thursday and going to bed on Sunday. I loved bruising my legs and examining the bottoms of pint glasses.

I loved semi-coherent banter in languages I didn’t speak, and finding myself on a road-, train-, plane-, boat trip to a new state or a new country (sometimes with my passport, sometimes without).

Because self-destructive people are moved by the unconscious urge to run themselves ragged, to martyr themselves to unequivocal hedonism.

Self-destructive people eviscerate needs in the favor of wants and break themselves into millions of little pieces sprinkling like confetti over the grave of shame and the ghost of regret.

Because there’s something beautiful about giving your everything to this life, dedicating yourself so wholly to the pleasure and pursuit of vice. Because it’s a pretty thing to live in sin.

And if you don’t think so — if you’re not impressed by the people who glut themselves on every moment life gives them the opportunity to live — at least they’re only f*cking themselves up.

Here’s to turning everything you touch into dust:

1. You don’t know the last time you slept over four hours.

2. You don’t know the last time you went to bed sober.

3. …Or alone.

4. Your friends never know where you are because you lost your phone (again).

5. You consistently wake up with bruises you can’t explain.

6. When you do have your phone, you wake up to 50 “Are you ok?” texts. You generally don't answer them.

7. You can’t shock your friends anymore because they just expect the insanity.

8. You can pass out wherever, whenever; the world is your oyster/bedroom.

9. Your phone never, ever has battery.

10. You have trouble saying, “No” to anything.

11. Your social media profile isn’t filled with party photos because you’re actually about that life.

12. You’re that one crazy ex everyone you’ve ever dated has.

13. You stopped worrying about what your parents think sometime in middle school.

14. You don’t do laundry because you barely wear clothes (and f*ck underwear).

15. You’ve had more than one intervention, and they usually dissolve into drinks.

16. Amy from “Gone Girl” is kind of your spirit animal.

17. Your Tuesdays are harder than everyone else’s Saturdays.

18. You don’t pay rent because you crash on couches more than you stay at your own place.

19. The last time you’ve regretted something was the third grade.

20. There’s never a table you don’t dance on… which makes Thanksgiving so awkward.

21. Making plans with you is beyond impossible.

22. You almost always prioritize drinks over food.

23. People know better than to ask you about real-life things. What are taxes, really?

24. You don’t own anything close to a proper winter jacket.

25. It would take people a lot more than 72 hours to report you missing.

26. People use your name as a verb when they go out to party. I’m totally Kaitlyn-ing right now.

27. You can never remember how you ended up where you ended up.

28. You buy drinks for strangers just for the f*ck of it.

29. Your life is a scavenger hunt; you have to piece together entire weekends.

30. You don’t care if leggings are pants because you don’t believe in pants. #NoPantsNoProblems

31. All your idols are dead.

32. Your parents have taken up religion because of you.

33. You have so many stories, you could write a book, but you’ve blacked out so many times you couldn’t write them down if you tried.

34. The sunrise is old news.

35. When you say it’s a sober night, people don't know how to react.

36. Most of the clothes you wear are not your own (and you don’t know where they came from).

37. People are more surprised when you’re not hungover.

38. You don’t buy scarves because you know you’re going to lose them.

39. You’ve gotten walking pneumonia three times and brag about it.

40. Home is the bottom of a bottle... or where someone else’s couch is.

41. You go to sleep with your shoes on, so you’re always ready to go.

42. Bartenders fear you.

43. You are the physical embodiment of the phrase, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

44. You call grandma every week — because you’re drunk-dialing her.

45. You’ve fallen asleep in your food and eaten it for breakfast.

46. Your nails may always chipped, but they’re bitten down with life experiences.

47. You consistently make drunken speeches celebrating people you barely know. Sometimes at their weddings.

48. You can only remember three names at any given time.

49. Your natural smell is whiskey.

50. People you barely remember meeting are still telling stories about you.

51. There's absolutely no way you've made it through this entire list.