Crying is by no means a one-gendered bodily function. Everyone cries – and everyone is allowed to cry – it doesn't necessarily have to be "your party" for it to be kosher.
Life tends to get sh*tty at times, and when it does, we react with emotion. Yes, emotion, folks. Some raw, 100 percent uncut, grinding-your-teeth human emotion.
And everyone has different ways of coping with sh*t when emotions run high. Some people go to the gym and throw a few haymakers at the punching bag. Others go for a run. Some people scroll a spliff... or three.
And then there are those who cry.
Do I cry? Yes. I do dabble, but I'm also not blind to how critical society is of criers. I understand that I can't mourn every time JR Smith decides to shoot a jump shot, although I may have the urge to do so.
Keeping that in mind, thought, there is a certain set of circumstances that will ALWAYS require crying.
And I give you, the eight times it's perfectly acceptable for a guy to cry:
1. At a funeral
For obvious reasons, it’s fine to cry at a funeral. I don’t want to waste too much time with this one. There are a slew of health benefits that supplement crying – one being the ability to fully cope with the loss of a loved one.
Ergo, if your emotions get the best of you at a funeral, let them; it’s probably for the greater good.
2. In front of a professor, for a crucial, necessary grade
It's fine to cry in front of a professor as well. It’s for theatrical purposes, like the awkward scene of “Phone Booth” where Colin Farrell starts sobbing in public as crowds of strangers just kind of, like, watch him.
Last year, during my final f*cking semester of college, I needed to miraculously pass chemistry in order to graduate. When you consider the fact that I didn’t show up to class once the entire f*cking semester, you’ll start to fully grasp how miraculous it turned out to be.
Long story short, I wept in front of the professor for upwards of 20 minutes during his f*cking office hours, about a day before our final. He passed me, solely because he feared for my mental sanity. Sounds to me like a job well done.
3. After getting struck in the groin
If you get hit in the balls hard enough, you’re going to cry – regardless of whether or not you think it’s “perfectly acceptable” to or not. It’s just an instinct, a reflex. It’s the way your body let’s you know, “Hey, these guys in here are important, try not to get hit over here again.”
Think about professional boxers: These dudes get PAID to punch and be punched. Having said that, so much as THINK about hitting an opponent below the belt and you’ll be immediately disqualified. And for good reason.
Getting hit in the balls always hurts, and it’s always OK to cry about it.
4. When you’re drunk with your boys and you have a “broment."
Beer works in mysterious ways. While it’s often viewed as a very manly, beard-requiring beverage, if you drink too much of it, crying typically ensues. Don’t take my word for it, visit any fraternity in America and see for yourself.
Ultimately, excess beer brings about “broments”– intimate moments between “bros." Like, you could be with your boys, I don’t know, crushing brews, and then -- bam! -- all of a sudden, you’re standing in a circle weeping about “how you’ll all never forget this night, because friendship.”
It's on-limits, guys, so continue enjoying your somber, far-from-sober moments.
5. When your first round pick in fantasy goes down in the first week of the season.
Cough, Derrick Rose. Cough. Cough, cou–[injures both knees from coughing too hard].
Your first round pick getting injured during the first week of the season is like the fantasy-equivalent of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse.” It pretty much deads your season instantaneously. There’s nothing worse.
Actually, there is: Ask anyone who drafted Adrian Peterson in fantasy football this season. I guarantee he or she will still get a bit choked up just thinking about it.
6. When you’re speaking to your girlfriend about (or right before) breaking up.
It’s not just “perfectly fine” to cry when you’re speaking to a girlfriend about (or right before) breaking up... it’s NECESSARY. For a number of different reasons. By crying during “the talk,” you show you care. And if you really did care, and you want to cry, then that’s fair game too.
Now, if you didn’t care, but you want her to think you did, you’re going to have to fake this process. Which, all things considered, can get tricky. It’s a skill you definitely should be polishing in your mirror at home before using in the field.
Otherwise, get ready for random acts of spite over social media.
7. When your roommate eats your bomb leftovers.
It’s fine to cry over food. Especially when you think it’s safely nestled away in the fridge, only to wake up the next morning and see your roommate already ate it.
When you live with another dude, there’s always an inherent risk that your food will be stolen – and that’s fine when it’s a few Nutri-Grain bars from the box mom bought at Costco and mailed to your dorm room as a “care package.”
I get it, you were high.
But, once they spot a f*cking rose petal constructed entirely from caramelized onions next to half a piece of $50 tenderloin, you'd think that they’d err on the side of caution and double check before devouring it. When they don’t, it’s perfectly fine to cry just a little when you think of letting go.
8. When listening to Yung Lean.
Sadboys. Emotional shorties. Whatever you want to call them, Yung Lean and his clique from Stockholm have been paving the way for "socially acceptable crying" since their grief-stricken music hit American airwaves.
Speaking from experience, if you so happen to find yourself in a situation where some Yung Lean is playing at a party and you suddenly get the urge to blubber in the corner, I think it would be tasteless not to give in.