Unfriend Him, Her, Them: 6 Reasons To Clean Out Your Facebook Closet

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We’ve all done it before.

You hover your mouse over the drop-down menu, see the “unfriend” button, debate it for a second and then go in for the kill. It’s only natural.

As our lives go on, we weed out the toxic people (or those with whom we continue to make fake coffee plans). So why not do the same with Facebook?

Facebook can be incredibly annoying. Sure, it’s a great way to connect with that random kid from high school you never talked to, catch up with your grandmother who still doesn’t understand what “poking” is and, of course, stalk people. There’s nothing better than going through hundreds of photos to see what your ex has been up to, or to see if that bitchy girl from college got pregnant.

Oh, wait. Literally everything is better than that.

You can’t unfriend your grandmother (because that makes you a horrible person), but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with posts from the random girl you drunkenly met at a bar once. (You're still not besties, and you never will be.)

There are many reasons to discard a Facebook “friend,” and they are all completely justified. Just bite the bullet, and get rid of them.

1. They Only Share Posts

Listen, I watch the news.

I don’t need you to post an hour-by-hour update of some random reporter talking about a break-in that happened across the country. I also would rather not view a clearly passive-aggressive quote, video, etc. directed at who-the-f*ck-knows.

Sort your sh*t out face-to-face, not over a social media site.

(Note that this, in no way, counts when the shared posts are pictures or videos of adorable puppies.)

2. They Post About Politics

This one goes without saying. I’m praying everyone has already unfriended these people, or I hope the people in question have stopped being idiots.

(I highly doubt the latter is true.)

If you want to post how hilarious and ridiculous the Republican debate was, go for it (maybe). But I really DGAF about your insanely intense views on gun rights or abortion.

Keep your opinions to yourself, or talk about them in person with someone who gives a sh*t.

And to those who feel the need to debate said person’s views in the comments, just go away. No one cares about your opinions, either.

3. They Constantly Update Everyone On Their Fitness Routines

I understand posting about your new diet or workout regimen helps keep you accountable, but there are so many apps for that.

What if you decide to stop or join some other annoying fad? No one is going to come out and say, “Hey, what happened to all of your fitness sh*t? Get moving, you lazy sh*t!”

This is because no one cares, and that would just be awkward.

I guess I’m happy for you and your newfound love of the raw food diet or stupid CrossFit. Go you!

But, you’re basically just trying to make me feel bad about memorizing the phone number of the pizza delivery place, and not knowing where the closest gym is.

I don’t feel bad. Pizza is delicious, and gyms are stupid.

4. They're Trying to Sell Something

An “acquaintance” of mine started selling some type of body-slimming apparatus or whatever, and she felt Facebook was the perfect platform.

I agree it helps to get the word out about your stupid product, but I don’t want it. And I don't want to go to your “product party” to watch you demonstrate how it doesn’t work.

Pick a different place to promote your soon-to-fail business.

5. They're Faking Happiness

We all know FOMO is real, and it sucks. I won’t lie; seeing you out with your friends on a Saturday night while I’m watching Netflix can sometimes be a bummer.

What’s not a bummer is the fact I know the picture is from two weeks ago, and it’s not a #TBT. I’d take a guess and say half the people who constantly post pictures of themselves having fun and loving life are actually miserable.

There's no need to put on a front.

Sometimes life is sh*tty, and that’s okay. But stop trying to shove your one night of fun (that probably ended in tears) in my face.

6. They Only Post Positive Sh*t

Seeing a “You can do anything you set your mind to!” quote can sometimes give you a feel-good vibe on a sh*tty day.

But seeing one every 20 minutes makes me want to throw my computer against the wall. It's kind of a reverse effect, you see?

Your positivity, real or fake, is bumming me out and borderline making me hate you. No one is that positive.

I’m obviously a cynical person, and I’m okay with that. So, get your dumb*ss quote about world peace and loving life out of my face.

If you slip up with one of these posts every once in a while, it’s forgivable. We all make mistakes. There’s also an option to “hide” someone’s posts, if you’re somehow obligated to be friends with someone (aka your grandmother).

But when in doubt, nip that sh*t in the bud. Your feed is already cluttered enough with posts you don’t care about.

If you are one of these people, expect your ass to get unfriended.

And just so you know, there’s really no need for a passive-aggressive post acknowledging said unfriending.

Guess what? I can’t see it. Therefore, I don’t give a sh*t.