In a perfect world, Thanksgiving with your family would be like one of those scripted holiday episodes on a lovable television series: You’d have your drama and sub-plots and spats, and then you can wrap it all up in a 47-minute bow.
The reality is that spending time with your family on Thanksgiving largely does resemble the spirit of these shows, but it's loaded with turkey basters full of annoying questions that you don’t even know the answers to yourself.
We hear you, sister. And we’ve got your back. Here are the 12 worst questions you really, really don’t want to be asked by your family on Thanksgiving.
1. "Did you mean to use the family credit card for our holiday gifts?"
Why, yes! Thank you for noticing! Can’t we let this one slide? What ever happened to holiday spirit, Dad?
2. "Why did you go off Prozac?"
Because I falsely believed I could handle situations like these without the use of prescription drugs? Going home for the holidays is probably not the best time to go off your meds.
You’re going to need them for these warm, fuzzy family moments.
3. "Do you need that third drink?"
A more appropriate question would be, “Do you need that fifth glass?” since you’ve been downing them faster than it took your 4-year-old cousin to take all her clothes off.
Your sister ran away to go ass-kiss your cousin who works at Google, and so drinking has become your only ally.
4. "How is work? Do you love your new job?"
I’m working at a place that underpays me and overcompensates with free food and lunches that have subsequently made me gain crazy weight in a remarkably short amount of time, not unlike my freshman year in college. Work is about as fun as this conversation is.
You know what we like even less than our bosses? Discussing our bosses.
5. "Have you saved any money?"
Does investing in leather jackets count? When you’re struggling and living paycheck to paycheck, the last thing you want to hear is Mom asking about your personal bank account.
Any money that you manage to save (aka whatever bills you find on laundry day) is recycled into this crazy, cash-eating trust fund called “Your Life.”
6. If you’re seeing someone: "Where's your boyfriend?" If you’re not seeing someone: "Where’s your boyfriend?"
While I recognize your question is meant to be a nice gesture and/or smug nod to my existent or non-existent beau, I am a person all on my own -- your very flesh and blood, even.
So let’s start with, “It’s great to see you. How are you since I’ve seen you last?” and then I’ll decide whether I want to casually throw out the name of a guy I’ve courted over the holidays.
7. "Do you mind sitting at the kids' table?"
Actually, not at all. I get to finish their plates!
8. "Did you go out last night? You look tired, non?" (From your kind of sort-of exotic, cool cousin.)
Yes! I went to town... on this bottle of red wine and then stayed up super late to catch-up on my shows. I just went through an emotional roller coaster back there between “Homeland” and “Scandal” and “American Horror Story.” I am positively wiped.
What'd you do?
9. "Is that how you eat on dates?"
10. "Do you want to come upstairs and help me change the baby?"
That’s really sweet of you to ask, but I need two hands to hold my booze goblet. I’ll entertain her during dessert, though!
11. In reference to your desire to go back to school: "Don't you think you're a little old for that?"
You’re never too old to enroll in the academy of higher learning! Go flock, young thinkers and blossom into flowers! (I’m paraphrasing your enlightened great aunt Birdie.)
12. "What’s new with you?"
Everything and nothing at the same time. It's like an Alanis Morissette song.
13. Are you really going to eat that?
Wow, Grandma actually succeeded in finding a much crueler way of asking if we've gained weight recently. No, in fact, we're on this new diet... it's called "Emotionally Eat Everything In Sight South Beach Diet." Thank you for the encouragement.
14. When are you going back to work?
If you're counting this conversation, then right now. We love being reminded that work is waiting for us, just as we're finally starting to relax and sip on a cocktail. Way to ruin the one excused day off.
15. How is your apartment?
Why can't we stick to more basic, always-pleasantly-answered questions like, "Have you seen any good movies recently?" or "Where are you going on vacation?"
Our apartments are nothing to brag about, much less converse about for more than two seconds (which, coincidentally is exactly how long it takes to see the whole unit).
16. When are you getting married?
This is awkward if A. your clueless boyfriend is standing right there or B. you're not even seeing someone.
Trust us, Grandma, if we're getting married soon, you will be the first person to know. In the meantime, acquaint yourself with 2014, in which it's normal to get hitched after 30.
17. Will you help me clear the table?
As long as we don't have to touch Great Aunt Reina's falsies proudly displayed on her napkin, we're not above pitching in an extra hand. Taking out the trash is a totally different story.
18. Are you going to come home for Christmas?
Not if it's going to be a repeat of this.