Born To Bullsh*t: 16 Things Only People Who Love Lying Will Understand

by Lauren Martin

“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.” ― Holden Caulfield, "The Catcher in the Rye"

Lies aren’t pulled out of thin air; they run through your blood. At least, that’s the case for any true liar.

You know when you’ve got the lying gene. You know because the lies run out of you the same way air does. You know because even though you’ve been caught a million times, you'll never stop. You know because you'll lie when you don't need to, and always when you can.

You don’t fear the repercussions or the tarnished reputation. You don’t care if people know you as “the liar” because you couldn't stop even if you wanted to.

It’s more than just an addiction; it’s a way of life. Even if you try and stop, they'll come out. Maybe not in big fabrications, but always in little ones.

The lies change the name of the restaurant you ate at or the color of the dress you didn't buy. They make up a movie you didn’t see or an event you couldn't attend. They're not liars; they're magicians of reality.

For anyone who possesses this misunderstood gene, here are all the things only you and your fellow liars understand:

1. Fake names are always better than real ones.

Our names are boring and old. Obviously, changing it for a dinner reservation isn’t hurting anyone, and is giving you a night of confidence as "Lorenzo."

2. A lie isn’t bad unless it hurts.

What harm is a lie if it’s not directed at anyone? It’s like shooting a gun in the air... it just adds a little excitement to the mix.

3. It’s more fun to lie with other people.

A master liar knows lies are like playgrounds; they’re more fun with other people in them.

4. It’s just practice for their time in CIA.

You might look and act like a simple liar, but you’ve got the makings of Secret Agent Sydney Bristow.

5. It saves other people's feelings.

A nice lie is better than a mean truth. You stick by it until someone demands a slice of the hard truth, then wants to give it back after all is said and done.

6. It makes life more interesting.

Yeah, it isn’t always “right” to lie, but if honesty is “right” and it makes for a dull life, I’d rather be a wrongful liar and live a fun one.

7. It doesn’t make them bad people.

Bad people are those who use the truth to hurt others. Liars are usually good people who know when a lie will hurt and when it’s the best thing for you.

8. It makes boring tasks infinitely better.

What’s the harm in spicing up a trip to the grocery store with a fake name at checkout or telling the woman sitting next to you at the DMV you once were a famous salsa dancer? No, you will not show her a move, but you could…

9. It's fun to see how much they can get away with.

We all love pushing the limits, stretching the boundaries and seeing what works and what doesn’t. Liars are just forever tiptoeing that questionable line.

10. It makes everyone more comfortable.

Lies don't make tension; they break tension. If you don't believe us, go ask your parents.

11. It still hurts when someone lies to them.

Like most paradoxes and things we can’t explain about the human condition, liars become more upset than anyone when they’ve been lied to. Maybe it’s because they figured if they were good enough to pull off a good lie, they shouldn’t be fooled by one so easily.

12. They assume all accents are fake.

If you can fake an accent as well as you do, who's to say this person can't do the same? I mean, how many British people can there really be in the ladies' bathroom? F*cking phonies.

13. They’ll never apologize for their lies.

You may eventually say, “Sorry, I lied,” but all it really means is, "Sorry for getting caught."

14. They’ll take it as far as it needs to go.

...And then some. Master liars never back down, no matter how hard other people are pressing or how deep into unknown territory they've trekked.

If they have to name a fake street in India they lived on, they will... or they'll get caught trying.

15. One lie on top of another doesn’t scare them.

Every master liar is just looking for the next great inception of lies.

16. It’s not a lie if they believe it.

Any good liar can rationalize better than Tiger Woods could his sex addiction. They are masters of their craft, so much so they believe their own lies until they're no longer lies anymore, just extensions of their own warped reality.