What's up with the obsession with rubbing pregnant women's bellies? Are we wearing signs that say "rub for good luck?" I honestly do not understand.
Even before kids, when my uterus ached to be filled, I never took it upon myself to walk up to acquaintances and coworkers who were with child and proceed to stick my hands out to touch their bodies.
Would you walk up to someone you know who recently got implants and start feeling and rubbing their breasts without permission?
How about the guy who just lost 70 lbs? Does he get a belly rub?
Chances are if you're one of these people, you haven't done your research, or if you have been pregnant, you must have forgotten what goes down in the preggo bod.
I assume the reason people want to do the full body rubdown is because they want to feel the baby kick. Yea, me too.
I've been carrying this kid around for months and it would be nice to get a, "Hey ma, keep it up!" nudge.
The reality is, you only feel the baby kick something like 10 times a day, so chances are (awkward, cubicle-sharing buddy), you're not going to feel him or her.
And if you do, that means you've taken a moment away from me I've been waiting for all day.
It's not that I'm trying to be rude or selfish here. The second this kid comes, I beg of you to hold your grubby paws out and hold him or her so I can eat, shave, pee, shower … whatever.
But, being pregnant is hard and super stressful. Things can go wrong in the blink of an eye, so these months are precious, and a lot of mamas want to embrace the changes and growth.
Also to note, many moms don't spew glitter while pregnant.
Granted, I do have friends who walk around with Disney music in their heads while they are pregnant, glaring at men who don't give them a seat on the subway or wait with the door open for a few extra seconds while she waddles through.
But some of us are self-conscious.
When you tell someone you're pregnant, odds are, you're not even showing and all you feel is bloated, gassy and nauseous.
So, for someone to reach toward your stomach for a tap means he or she is just feeling your normal gut with a little extra pudge.
Awkward! Cue "Psycho" shower scene sound effects -- full-blown paranoia.
And let’s talk about being pregnant in the summertime. Holy mother. If you come near me while the temp is over 72 degrees, you’re asking for it.
Yes, I know I’m sweaty. I know I’m “glistening.” I know my feet and hands are swollen. I know I have sweat stains on my back.
I know my legs are hairy; I literally can’t see them. I don’t need anyone monitoring my growth.
You’re not my zookeeper. Back away and hand me the ice cream. With sprinkles. Rainbow ones. And peanut butter cups.
If you are one of those pregnant women who love the intimate belly tickles, you go girl. You're carrying a life inside of you, and you should share it with whomever you want.
I hope everyone gets an elbow or knee to the palm.
But please, before you put both hands out to rub a woman’s belly, think.
If there’s a possibility you’re about to get blacklisted and you’re fine with that, more power to you.
I warned you.