After spending a weekend partying with my college friends, I have never been more aware of the fact that we have all turned into a less cool version of our previous selves.
Long gone are the days we could drink all day into the night and feel perfectly fine the next day, ready to do it all over again.
Instead, we spend the following day curled up in the fetal position, clutching our bowls and Netflix for dear life. We can't breathe, our heads are pounding and we can't remember the last time we actually got a good night's sleep.
I'm confused. For some reason we seem to be drinking more often than we did in college, but our tolerance has gone to sh*t. I can't be the only one who can't seem to handle a pregame anymore… or am I?
Here are the eight other things you realize are different now than they were in college:
1. Hangovers actually exist
Hangovers are apparently something we were all somewhat immune to in college but are all too familiar with now. No longer is Sunday an adequate recovery time period.
We need an additional day, one that comes between Sunday and the dreaded Monday. This is a telltale sign that you are no longer living like your college self, and I guess that would make sense because we're turning ages that don't even merit a celebration (25 is just depressing, so don't even try to make that argument).
2. The work aspect of life is the ultimate buzzkill
There's no playing hooky in the real world because, unlike class, work is not optional. There's no snoozing on the alarm while you bury yourself deeper into your covers.
You have to get up, get ready and head to the office, where you will sit and question your life decisions from the previous weekend all while staring at an Excel spreadsheet.
Going out during the week is NEVER worth it unless you're in bed by 11 because you can guarantee the next day will be the complete opposite of productive. Well, unless you count refreshing your Twitter feed as a productive way to spend the work day.
3. Where the hell did our energy go?
No, this is a serious question... Where did all of our energy go?! It seems crazy to me that people (including myself) would voluntarily pull all-nighters and ace tests the following day.
If I can't fall asleep before 11:30 on any given weeknight, there's no shot in hell I'm going to be productive at work the following day. Any strenuous activity post-work is a struggle.
Sure, at 10 am, you thought you'd make it to the gym, but as 3 pm rolls around, all plans are tossed out the window.
4. We have really sh*tty immune systems
Why do I feel as if I am combatting a cold every single f*cking day upon waking up? It doesn't matter if it's Wednesday and I haven't touched alcohol since Saturday.
I still feel sick and tired. I don't even think I know what my real voice sounds like anymore, and I definitely have some form of bronchitis 24/7. No longer does 24 hours serve as a sufficient amount of time to "sleep" anything off.
Every ache, pain and ailment lingers and lingers until we make an actual lifestyle change. But we're not really adults, are we? We can do that when we're 30. Until then, you'll hear us complaining about it while we drink our Emergen-C.
5. Where did all the Vladdy and Natty go?
You know you're on your way to becoming an adult when you actually need a bottle opener to open your beer. Goodbye Natty Light, it was nice knowing you, but I'm going to have to trade you in for a Stella.
Plastic handles of vodka are a notion of the past as our mature selves have moved on to bigger and better things, such as Ketel One and Ciroc.
Also, I've noticed more and more people opting for wine during happy hour as opposed to the go-to vodka cranberry (gag me, that doesn't even taste good).
6. The Apparel
It seems that in the real world, people actually notice what you're wearing when you go out. College was a place where anything was acceptable. Sneakers at the bar?
Okay, sounds good. Wearing your day-drinking outfit well into the night? Well, that sounds even better. In the real world, however, this ain't no thing any longer. I mean, you can tell a lot about a man's dating personalities just by the footwear he chooses.
7. Our tolerance has gone to sh*t
Long gone are the days when you could down five to 10 shots and then head to the bar. If I even attempted that right now I would need to be carried home after an hour of being out.
Apparently alcohol tolerance goes down with age (gasp!), well, I guess I can save my calories for the late-night pizza I will definitely be ingesting.
8. RIP to FOMO
The only thing I have had FOMO about since graduating from college is a good night's sleep. I don't give a sh*t if everyone is heading over to the bar tonight; I will be heading to bed and will have not one single regret.
In college, the peer pressure we faced was to go out and get sh*tfaced. Now my best friend tries to peer pressure me into staying in and watching "Law & Order" with her.
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