I’m going to share some controversial insight that will change your life: New Year's Eve is the most overrated night of the year.
After celebrating for over 20 years, it’s safe to say that nothing about this night is any more special than your forgotten 18th birthday, except for the fact that it’s super fucking cold.
The concept of New Year's Eve itself is pretty baffling. You spend all night waiting for 10 seconds to happen and then go home with nothing to show for it (except for a bad case of cold sores from your midnight kiss).
That, coupled with the fact that you can’t leave your house unless you have a ticket some place, makes New Year's Eve one of the worst holidays of the year.
Sure, the calendar deserves a birthday too. But NYE is like the bitchy, self-absorbed birthday girl who demands that everyone attend her big, overpriced birthday dinner and bring a gift and wear a nicer outfit.
In the end, you haven’t gotten your money’s worth and ruined your clothes anyway.
It’s almost 2015. We know the drill by now. Here’s why we are completely over New Year’s Eve.
1. Things that are hyped up always suck
Groupthink makes you falsely believe that you have to do something big, but those grand plans never work out.
It’s never as much fun as a regular night out because no matter what you plan, you set expectations that you can’t possibly meet.
Getting wasted at an open bar and partying while confetti drops sounds like a good time in theory, until the lack of bartenders and cabs forces you to walk home sober in below 30 degrees. Great way to start the new year.
2. We’re still broke
Can someone please explain why this night, which generally doesn’t differ from any other except in suckiness, is ghastly expensive?
We end up waiting outside longer than we’re actually inside, and yet we’re supposed to fork over $150 for partying with traffic lights instead of strobe lights.
The last thing we want to do is spend an exorbitant amount of money on a night that only counts for 60 seconds.
3. It’s nothing you haven’t already experienced over 20 times
This isn’t your first time at the rodeo. You know how this goes. Despite being the most hyped night, it’s also the most predictable. You know the night will start ridiculously early and end in late night tears.
4. It’s been six years since we could wear the cool 2000s glasses
The news ones are just stupid. You can’t put zeroes in 1’s, everybody knows that.
5. Two words: Surge pricing
You can never get a taxi unless you want to pay $50 to go two blocks in a shady rejected Uber driver’s van. The hassle of getting around on New Year’s Eve is all the more reason to stay home.
You pretend like you’re going to make it to everyone’s party, but spend the majority of the night partying in a cab.
6. It’s stressful for no reason
The night starts at 8 and ends at 1 (if you’re lucky), so then why is nailing down plans so difficult?
Unless you’re planning a Ross and Monica dance routine, there shouldn’t be any anxiety involved. And yet, a month before January we’ve already begun stressing. No wonder it’s a good time for a vacation.
7. Because everyone around you the next day is (momentarily) motivated
There’s no way you’re getting out of bed on your one day off to go sweat out your hangover.
Since everyone else is getting a jumpstart on their resolutions, you feel kind of left out. Good thing you resolved to drink more water this year. Easy.
8. Because you have to wear heels all night
Even dive bars can use NYE as an excuse to double their prices and up the dress code. Suddenly it seems as if you can’t go anywhere without a sequin dress and ridiculously uncomfortable footwear.
9. You will wait in line the majority of the night
Enjoy becoming One with the below freezing temperatures.
10. You party that hard on a regular Thursday
The only difference is that on NYE, you get sequins in your mouth and a forced batch of herpes at midnight. Plus, the alcohol is not cheaply provided by your freezer -- it’s just plain cheap sh*t.
11. You’d rather watch balls drop when kids turn 13
Dick Clark isn’t here to host anymore and we prefer to pretend Ryan Seacrest doesn’t exist. The only thing that’s fun about balls dropping are when it’s at a Bar Mitzvah.
12. Your mom won’t buy you sparkle clothes
All you want is to shine in the New Year. Somehow though, you still spend a ton of money on new stuff and always lose it.
13. You can’t bring all the alcohol you have at home to the bar
Reason number 23,048 you’re better off staying home.
14. You genuinely believe this year will be different…
...And for two hours after finding someone to make out with you, it feels like things are starting to change. Then you wake up with pizza in your hair and an ugly dude in your bed and realize that everything is exactly the same.
15. Because your NYE kiss will probably give you something more than a hookup
Forget the common cold, we hear chlamydia is really popular these days.
16. Everyone else is on vacation
OK. So maybe we’re just a little bit bitter.