Not-So-Much Sex And The City: 10 Men You'll Regrettably Date In NYC

by Taryn Lachter

Dating, as we all know, has turned into this jumbled mess no one seems to understand. Everyone has different explanations for the various stages of a relationship and no one seems to be on the same page at the same time.

Not only can you now stalk someone back to the day he or she was born and learn everything about him or her before you ever see him or her in real life, but once you do meet, good luck finding something to talk about that you didn't already cover via text.

Maybe you even go on a few dates. Awesome! So, which of the 419 labels within “relationship” do you categorize your situation under?

I can't even go further into the flaws of the dating lives we've created because I'll just get angry and never get to my point.

This situation frustrates most young people at least a little bit. But, the ones who experience the most disorienting scene are those of us lucky enough to live in New York. This city is absolutely ridiculous; that's really the only way to describe it.

I like to call NYC “The Land of Options.” We truly have everything, which I consider to be a blessing and a curse.

It's awesome because you can literally never get bored. There's always a cool neighborhood to explore, some new cuisine to try and every kind of human ever created.

However, because we can have whatever we want, we're never satisfied.

We constantly wonder, “Well, what if something (read: someone) is out there that's better than what I've got?”

The thing about New Yorkers is we're all in some stage of transition. Whether it's just commuting for work, moving to different boroughs or even changing careers, we're always moving.

Everyone has somewhere to be and something to do, which is one of the best things about this city.

The ambitious mentality here is why I decided to call New York home; however, that transitory state of mind just adds another layer of options to a New Yorker's inability to commit.

Most days, I feel like I live in a completely different human race, just because people here function so differently than anywhere else in the country. It's seriously incredible.

Dating life in New York City is mesmerizing and fascinating, but also entirely infuriating.

Don't get me wrong; the stories are pretty hilarious — more so when they happen to other people, and as long as they don't involve broken hearts.

Between my roommate, our good friend and myself, we've experienced what I believe to be the 10 most common kinds of men in the city of New York.

They're each special and weird in their own way, and although they may be frustrating, we don't regret meeting any of them.

I wish them all luck in finding their soul mates, or whatever it is they're looking for:

1. The Online Skeeze

This guy has probably creeped on you many times. His profile is just pictures of his abs, he calls you “cutie” or “baby girl” way too early and he's been known to ask all of Tinder for sex on a Saturday night by posting a full nude as a "moment."

Most likely, he tried to initiate conversation using a completely repulsive, offensively crude pick-up line. He's essentially harmless, albeit entirely disgusting.

2. The One Who Tries Too Hard

This entertaining specimen can be found IRL and online. If you meet him in the outside world, he'll probably lead with a cheesy pick-up line, buy you a cosmo and name-drop some C-list celebrity he met once.

If you meet him in the virtual world, he probably has at least three bathroom selfies, too much product in his hair and his profile consists of every single thing his douchey bros ever told him girls like.

Maybe there's a decent guy underneath, but it's too much work to find him.

3. The Chatty One

WHY. I'm a chatty girl, but there are few things more infuriating than someone texting or messaging me for days on end without ever propositioning a date.

Like, dude, I won't use up my phone battery on you just so you don't feel lonely. If you haven't asked me out after three days, peace out.

4. The Genuinely Nice One

He has a good job, has his sh*t together, cooks for you and your friends like him. If only you were looking for that. Wait, you are. So, why don't you like him?

Oh yeah, because he's not an assh*le, so it's not a challenge and, therefore, no longer fun.

This poor guy has the best intentions, but New York women can never make anything easy for themselves, so we screw it up.

5. The One You're Not Attracted To

He's like number four except he probably isn't as nice and instead, the challenge is finding him attractive. You've gone out a couple times, enjoy yourself around him, but there's something missing.

Honestly, you really wish you were attracted to him because that would make things so much better and easier, but it's just not there.

Or it is there, but only a little bit. He's fun and he makes you laugh, but you don't want to sleep with him and therefore, he must go buh-bye.

6. The One Who Refuses To Acknowledge Feelings

He's probably a decent guy, but he's just frustrating as hell.

Maybe you've gone on some dates with him or you're friends with benefits, but at some point, you've tried to have a deep conversation about how you're feeling (you know, like an adult), and he's ignored it.

He probably says “Babe, I totally understand,” or “I'm sorry if I made you feel bad,” but that's as far as it goes. Good luck getting him to use his big boy words about his emotions.

7. The One Who Just Wants To Be Friends

Weirdly, he actually just wants to be friends — like, without benefits. Cute, right?

Except you probably want to bone the sh*t out of him and getting turned down with some cop out like, “I don't want to jeopardize our friendship,” is giving you the worst lady blue balls.

There's a sizeable chance he's only saying it because he doesn't want to date you, but either way, annoying.

8. The One Who's Good On Paper

This guy is pretty much what his title says, except it's not paper, it's an online profile. His likes and dislikes match yours perfectly and he looks pretty cute in his pictures, so you message him.

He flirts with you a little bit and you make a date to go on a date. Unfortunately, that's where the magic ends.

He has the personality of a wet mop when you finally meet and the chemistry is less than non-existent. He may be cute, but he sure is boring. What a shame.

9. The Damaged One

Good luck with this guy. We all have baggage, but some of us are better at dealing with it than others.

Don't get me wrong; a broken heart takes a really long time to heal, but he'll probably take a decade before he's “ready for a relationship.”

Most likely, he blames all of his dating inabilities on whatever cruel bitch broke his heart.

The worst part is you genuinely like him and you know things could probably work out if he would just live in the present.

10. The Flake

This guy encapsulates the blessings and curses I mentioned earlier of being a New Yorker and having too many options. I would say he's the most common eligible bachelor out there.

You will find flakey people everywhere, but they're even more prominent in New York because New Yorkers are never satisfied. He will be really sweet, charm the hell out of you and always make you feel wanted.

He will probably go so far as to make plans with you. The problem is whether he will show up.

Chances are, he'll bail a couple days before or he plain old won't show. Why? Because something better came up. Yes, it's that simple.

11. Bonus: The Keeper

This one isn't part of the 10 common men because he's basically the mystical unicorn of New York dating life.

Your friends in other cities like to call you and tell you about the men they're meeting and legitimately dating, and you're happy for them, but you just don't understand how they do it.

They'll say, “Oh, he's definitely a keeper,” but you don't know what one of those is because you probably haven't seen one. Or maybe, you have and couldn't identify it.

But, you'll know when you see him.

He's perfect for you. He's everything you're looking for and the one you'd never expected to find, which is the problem.

You didn't think you'd find him for a really long time, if ever, and you realize you kind of like your single life.

You're not ready to give it up because you like your options. You probably know this guy is meant for you, yet you still hesitate to actually make it official. This is the worst.

Future you is screaming, “No, hold on to him!” but present you says, “But what about the gorgeous rando I'm (most likely) destined to (possibly) make out with tonight?”

It's an internal battle that doesn't really have a winner.

How could you know if someone is a keeper when you haven't met every man in New York and, therefore, have no idea if he's really the best?

Don't get me wrong; I absolutely love living in New York. I just don't like dating in it.