Nice Ass Not Included: 7 Ways A Gym Membership Is Just Like Dating


You know that feeling after a bad breakup that leaves you with the newfound inspiration to start over again? Knowing you flat-out deserve better makes you want nothing more than to do better and date hotter, all while pretending you’re SO over it.

You start first with getting your dating priorities in check and follow it up with the compulsory declaration of deciding to get fit. They're two things that inevitably go hand in hand after experiencing heartbreak.

Deciding to get a gym membership seems like step one to getting your sh*t together, but what seems to happen is the vicious cycle of replacing one bad seed with another.

What I’m trying to say here is that gyms are, essentially, just like dating.

The similarities are a little too close for comfort. From that cringe-worthy first meeting to the dreaded, “I think we should see other people” talk, the comparison is about as blatant as Kylie Jenner’s lip job.

Check out the seven reasons below that describe how dating and gym memberships are ultimately identical:

1. Awkward First Meeting

Every initial encounter is a little awkward in a sense. For starters, there’s the first impression and you only get one chance to make or break it.

At a gym, trainers are everywhere. They appear to be nice, but behind the yoga pants and Nikes, they have already decided your fate.

Similarly, a prospective new beau assesses if he or she is interested or not, practically within the first five minutes. That kind of pressure is enough to make Chuck Norris wave the white flag.

Verdict: The foreign territory, forced small talk and fake goodbyes are all too familiar.

2. Constant Insecurity

Take working out at a gym for the first time. Your thought process might go a little something like this:

Everyone is staring at me. No, really, there are about 20 pairs of eyes on me right now. Am I using the machine wrong or what?

After a first date encounter, you decide to send an innocent text. Couldn’t hurt, right? Aaaand… crickets. Is he going to wait seven hours to text me back? Did he die? Your mind jumps to every irrational conclusion possible.

Verdict: The insecurity is inevitable in any intimate first meeting. The sea of judgmental eyes that accompany a new gym and the wait for a crush to text back are practically identical experiences.

3. In The Beginning, It All Seems Great

Everything looks perfect from far away. Upon first contact, it feels like you’ve scored. You think to yourself, “I’m getting the deal of the century.” Free personal training and $89 a month? I couldn’t be more there if my ass was glued to the leg press.

Finding a new match on Tinder who looks hot, seems to have a sense of humor and owns his own business? It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Verdict: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Moral of the story: You didn’t read the fine print.

4. The Obvious Warning Signs

Your trainer leaves you a voicemail saying he or she hasn’t seen you in a while. Ironically, you get the call just as you plop on the couch to enjoy leftover cheese pizza from the night before.

Nonetheless, it made you think of him or her and your lack of calories burned the past week. Mission accomplished.

Likewise, the crush in question not only texted you four times and called you to check in, but also came by your place of employment to “say hi.” Unannounced visits during the first week of knowing someone? Game over.

Verdict: This is why trial periods and online profiles exist. Use and abuse them. All is fair in love and core. (Or war, same thing.)

5. The Argument That It’s “Too Soon"

Don’t quit now. They say you must give it three months to see results. Hard work and a little discipline over time will pay off in the end. You can’t get a J.Lo booty overnight, after all.

"Why end it now? It’s only date three and we’re just getting to know each other," he or she argues with sincere puppy dog eyes and the best debating skills you’ve seen since Judge Judy.

Verdict: With dating and exercise, what you put into it is what you get. You know when something isn’t working out, and in this instance, it’s presumably you, at the gym, not working out.

6. When You Try To Leave And The Charm Turns On

The minute you start to try and end it, a flip switches -- complete 180. Excuses start to flood in; we’ve heard them all before. Breaking up and canceling contracts are always messy and borderline impossible.

They say they’ll change. Too expensive? We’ll give you a discount! And, suddenly, the once-bitchy trainer is now your gay bestie who offers free protein shakes and pep talks.

Party too much? He or she vows to stop drinking. On top of that, he or she is now the most charming person on the planet. He or she breaks out all the bells and whistles you never knew he or she had. Flowers show up at your work and crème brulee from scratch comes with a date-night surprise.

Verdict: If, within the first few weeks of the commitment, a change needed to happen, it’s not meant to be, boo. Move on.

7. There's Always A Reminder

Just when you think you’re over it, a friend screenshots via text, “Guess who popped up on my popular page,” or a random acquaintance tells you he or she just started working out at your former place of fitness. The acquaintance goes on to brag about the new spin class and just how “ah-mazing” it is.

The regret starts to sink in and you start to second guess whether or not you should have stuck it out. You start to ponder all the reasons why it ended. Then, you’re reminded of some tried and true advice: It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.

When it comes to dating, they say to go with your gut. On the flip side, don’t listen to your actual gut when you’re dreading the gym or you might just end up chubby AND alone, and we don’t want that.