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Screw Flowers: 65 Things Your Mom Actually Wants For Mother's Day

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It’s that special time of year when the May flowers are blooming, and we all gather around and appreciate the wonderful lady who gave us the gift of life: It’s Mother’s Day.

We all know mom is a very special woman.

She was there to change your disgusting diapers, when you fell off your bike and scraped your knee, when you broke down over your first crush, when you got drunk and threw up all over your basement (just me?) and when you moved into your first apartment.

She raised you to be the person you are today. I’d say that deserves one hell of a “thank you,” right?

Obviously your mama deserves some nice gifts on the day we celebrate her extreme, undeniable awesomeness.

You might think she wants a pretty bouquet of roses, a Hallmark card with some clichéd, bullsh*t love poem scrawled across it or some lame chocolates in a cheesy box, but consider this: Mom is a grown ass woman.

She doesn't need another stupid blouse from Ann Taylor Loft; she needs a goddamn vacation and a wine glass that refills itself. She needs a little spice in her life.

She’s over the same old, same old. She may be middle-aged, but that doesn’t make her bland or boring.

She’s 50-something flirty and thriving! It’s time for something she can actually use.

Mama has real wants.

As cute as it is to get her the same old boring gifts you’ve given her every single year, drenched in feelings of obligation and guilt, she doesn’t actually want that stuff.

Sure, she appreciates the thought, but it won’t really stick. Flowers decay, Hallmark will always be cheesy, and chocolates will make her fat.

Mom works hard, and while she won’t say it, there are some gifts she ACTUALLY wants.

She may not need them because she has you and love or whatever, but we all know mama wants more than something bland from the supermarket or Target.

Here are 65 things mom actually wants for Mother’s Day:

1. An anti-aging cream that makes her look like your sister.

2. A temper tantrum that ends in an apology.

3. A personal masseur with a face like Ryan Gosling and a butt like Brad Pitt in "Troy."

4. A compliment that doesn’t end in a favor.

5. For you to have a significant other who doesn't make her question your judgment.

6. A phone call that doesn’t involve you asking for money.

7. A phone call that doesn’t involve only talking about you.

8. A 15-minute phone call where you don’t cut her off.

9. A phone call in general.

10. A pill that makes menopause last one hour, and then go away forever.

11. For you to be on a career path that is destined for success.

12. For you to stop drunk dialing her.

13. A wine glass that refills itself.

14. Chocolate that has no calories.

15. Hair dye that makes all her greys disappear for all eternity.

16. Pants that look like slacks, but are as comfortable as yoga pants.

17. A year's worth of pedicures.

18. For you to grow up.

19. A note that is written with your damn hand, not a computer.

20. To be defined as more than just a mother.

21. The ability to get away with crop tops and distressed jeans.

22. For your lifestyle conduct to match your age.

23. For you not to black out at every family gathering.

24. Exercises she can do in bed that will give her that 23-year-old body back.

25. A night off.

26. For you to stop smoking weed.

27. A hall pass.

28. Your father’s will to go to the gym again. #DadBod.

29. For you to clean up after yourself.

30. Kitten heels that are actually cute.

31. For you to own the fact that you’re just like her.

32. A mirror that tells her how young she looks every morning.

33. For you to have grandkids.

34. For you to get some direction.

35. For a prepaid therapy session.

36. For you to stop giving her reasons to worry about you.

37. Jeans that don’t automatically become mom jeans.

38. To be seen as a sexy woman and not just a mom.

39. To not feel guilty spending money on herself.

40. An obnoxiously large retirement fund.

41. Unlimited free Botox.

42. For you to ask for her advice.

43. For you to take her advice.

44. For her home cooking to cook itself.

45. Five more years before turning 60.

46. For a great buzz without judgment.

47. For you to wear something she bought for you.

48. For you to stop making bad decisions.

49. Greasy food that doesn’t maker her gain any weight.

50. A good night sleep.

51. Zero cellulite.

52. For you to admit she’s right.

53. A metabolism that rivals her 18-year-old self’s.

54. The ability to sleep in until noon and not feel guilty.

55. A trip away with the girls. Preferably Vegas.

56. A self-cleaning house.

57. George Clooney.

58. For you to get some independence.

59. The luxury of never wearing Spanx again.

60. To not have to be the guarantor on your apartment ever again.

61. Someone to teach her how to contour.

62. Someone to teach her how to use her iPhone.

63. Someone to teach her how to use Tinder.

64. A GPS chip to implant into your shoulder, so she always knows where you are.

65. For you to spend time with her because you want to, not because you feel like you have to.