Make Love, Not War: 4 Ways To Tell If Your Marital Fights Are Normal

by Rachel Moheban-Wachtel
Universal Pictures

One minute, you’re in a starry-eyed, lovey-dovey mood with your spouse, and the next, you’re in an argument.

Or, at least that's how it feels.

You’ve heard fighting in marriage is normal, but this? This doesn’t feel like your definition of marital bliss. Talk to any couple, and you’ll hear stories about bickering over seemingly silly issues.

"He's too busy and doesn’t pay attention to me as much."

"He never takes me out to dinner anymore."

"She always makes a mess in the bathroom."

"He didn’t empty the dryer or put his clothes away."

Yes, every couple fights. But when you’re mid-scuffle, you might find yourself wondering, "Is this normal?"

I'm here to put your doubts to rest:

1. Fighting About The In-Laws

You don’t get to choose your future family. Love them or not, they're a part of the package the moment you exchange vows.

It’s normal to have a few misunderstandings with your in-laws, especially if you’re spending holidays with them.

You only need to be concerned when those misunderstandings escalate to the point where you can’t stand being around them. Your spouse shouldn’t have to choose between you and family.

It’s never healthy if there’s resentment between you and the in-laws.

2. Fighting About Sex

Not having sex as often as you used to? Is your spouse not initiating enough?

It’s normal for your sex life to dwindle over time.

Most people don't have the same fiery intimacy as when they first started dating. You only need to be concerned when you’re no longer in sync.

Talk about the frequency, and actively explore ways to spice things up.

The physical attraction was there at one point. With a little dose of communication, you’ll find it again.

3. Fighting About Finances

Money has a tendency to put strain on relationships.

If your spending habits aren’t the same (and they rarely are in marriages), chances are, you’re bickering about them.

It’s normal to have different things you want to spend your money on. You only need to be concerned when it makes you deeply uncomfortable.

If your spending forces you to hide your purchases because you fear being resented by your spouse, it’s time for a talk.

4. Fighting About Time With Friends

You’ve committed yourself to your spouse for the rest of your life, so what’s the harm in spending some time with friends?

It’s normal for couples to spend time apart. Going out with friends is refreshing, and it keeps you grounded.

Having one night a week with friends is healthy.

You only need to be concerned when you start to spend increasingly less time together.

The bulk of your free time should be spent with your spouse. If it’s not, and it’s making your spouse uncomfortable, there might be a deeper issue you have to deal with.

The solution to any fight in a marriage is communication.

Although it sounds simple on the surface, expressing your feelings isn’t easy.

You might not know why you’re feeling a certain way, but you just know you aren’t feeling connected.