14 Reasons Why You Secretly Love To Hate Thanksgiving

by Dan Scotti

Everyone loves Thanksgiving. It’s the three F’s, as I like to call ‘em: food, fam and fun! Nothing can go wrong, right?

Not so fast. Although it may all sound like gravy – no pun intended – the three F’s can also be a recipe for disaster. Whoever said, “You can never have too much of a good thing,” clearly never celebrated Thanksgiving.

Upwards of 10 hours straight with family, and food, and fun can actually become extremely irritating. After a while, you’re just kind of... over it. Hence the love/hate relationship we all have with Thanksgiving.

Here are the 14 main reasons for it, but I could really keep going.

1. You love seeing all of your family members in one place, but you hate having to answer all of their questions.

It’s amazing when Uncle Bob, Aunt Kim and both sets of grandparents stroll through the door on Thanksgiving – but when all of them, individually, feel the need to ask you why you’re single – and you realize that Uncle Bob is hella f*cking creepy? That blows.

2. You love the first bite, hate the last bite.

The first bite rocks, and so do the next, like, thousand. That last bite, though? When you’ve scraped enough marshmallows off the top of the yam casserole to go camping for a few weeks, you just realistically want the TUMS and some silence.

3. You love the casual family drinking, but you hate throwing up in your house toilet.

After a few glasses of the Port that Uncle Teddy brought over, hell yeah, you bet you’re feeling loose. However, you contemplate whether or not you got a bit too loose when you’re hunched over the toilet bowl you got potty trained on.

4. You love your aunt’s stuffing, but you kinda hate your aunt.

Your aunt’s stuffing is fire, naturally. I mean, there are f*cking cranberries in it. However, she’s super monotonous and definitely smells like mothballs, so after a while, you’ve just kind of had enough. Of her. Not the stuffing.

5. You love seeing your little cousins, but you hate the fact that you’re still chillin' at the “kids' table.”

Awwww. Little Joe and Petey, you guys are all grown up now. How old are you -- 5 and 6? Yeah, same, apparently. I’m 22; why the f*ck am I still sitting at the kids' table?

6. You love the leftovers, but you don’t love them when they’re still there a week or two later.

When you finally burn one, after an entire day with family, and you hit the fridge for some munchies – of course, it’s a sight to behold.

You grab a baguette and pretty much stuff every course of your Thanksgiving dinner into a sandwich, and it’s great – until you’re still eating leftover sandwiches in mid-December.

7. You love the Thanksgiving Parade, but you hate being woken up by the scene your parents are making over it at 9 am.

Mom freaking out about the f*cking SpongeBob float might be cute if the parade were at, say, 6 pm. But, it’s not. It’s, like, 9 am. And you’re hungover.

8. You love your turkey, but you hate seeing 516 pictures of other people’s turkeys on Instagram.

Your turkey? Great. Everyone you follow on Instagram uploading a pic of his or her respective turkey from the same vantage point? With the Valencia filter? Eh, not so great.

9. You love the table talk, but you hate when it transitions into a temporary family-wide political debate.

Thanksgiving is great because of the conversation at the table. You got a few different subsets of the same family, chiming in on trending topics, and filling everybody in on what’s new in life.

However, when you hear your 12-year-old cousin mention ISIS, you soon realize everyone needs to chill the f*ck out and talk about Kim Kardashian’s ass or something.

10. You love dressing up, but you hate the thought of a belt.

Whenever you can don a fresh alphet, you jump at the opportunity. But after a day of eating, you really don’t know how much jumping you’ll physically be to do with a belt buckled in.

11. You love football, but you hate that none of your fantasy players are playing in any of the games.

There are -- what? -- three games played on Thanksgiving? Unless you’ve got a few of your fantasy players in action – or you’re a degenerate gambler – watching Detroit blow out Chicago might not be a must-watch matchup.

12. You love giving thanks, but you hate having to hear 45 minutes worth of thankfulness while the food is getting cold.

While “giving thanks” is certainly an intricate aspect of Thanksgiving, couldn't it wait until AFTER we eat? There’s hella food on the table, and I’m thankful for it being warm.

13. You love a good nap after dinner, but you hate when Uncle Andy has already passed out in your spot on the couch.

Well, once you stopped hearing your uncle’s tacky banter in the distance, you knew it was too good to be true. And it was.

Because, now, instead of telling strange jokes, he’s drooling on the part of the couch with your assprint permanently embedded in it.

14. You love being drunk on Thanksgiving Eve, but you hate being hungover as sh*t on actual Thanksgiving.

Whoever decided that the night before Thanksgiving should be the most popping night of the year clearly wasn't anticipating any hangovers.

Because if that person had any foresight, he or she wouldn’t have made the night before Thanksgiving the most popping night of the year.