I'd Rather Have One Good Friend Than 100 Sh*tty Ones

by Lauren Martin

At some point -- I think it begins in elementary school and is largely exacerbated in middle school (when you’re desperately trying to score those Bar Mitzvah invitations) -- we start collecting friends like Pokémon cards (the special-edition kind that talk behind your back).

A few years and a few dozen friends later, you find yourself in the middle of a movie theater, surrounded by 20 people, hoping you won't have to sit on the end of a completely different aisle.

By high school, you're walking through the mall behind 15 bobbing heads, forced to wait an hour to get ice cream and being denied entrance to the only store you wanted to go in because there's not enough room for all your backpacks up front.

By this point, you've found yourself in the eye of a massive sh*t storm; all your drama, stress and desperation stems from this gaggle of people who's supposed to make your life so much better… like all those Beanie Babies you foolishly "invested" in.

Finally, after years of collecting and trading, you realize you don’t want all these friends. You've been collecting something you don't even like, and it's starting to get out of hand. There's no room for all these people in your life, and now you need to clean house.

I think it happens for most around senior year of college, when you’re too high, too tired and too jaded to water any more dying friendships.

Because, honestly, it’s a f*cking chore to keep that many friends. You have yet to keep a plant alive, how are you going to sustain multiple human relationships?

You trim the fat, cut the excess and sever the ties. You know deep down who that one friend is you'll keep. You know you'll be OK with just one wholesome, easy, comfortable friend who won't roll her eyes when you ask to sit in the middle.

She won't talk behind your back to other "friends," and she definitely won't ignore you in the group text.

That one friend is there for you when you need someone's lap to cry into, and he holds your secrets like his own. He's trustworthy, compassionate and, most importantly, there for you. He isn't one of the 100 sometimes-friends; he's the one who's always there.

It's a real relationship -- something we begin to crave with maturity and age. We look for depth and integrity. We yearn for real conversations -- the kind that will sustain and nurture us after all the small talk we've been forced to endure all day.

We look for meaning in our lives and become pickier about who we let into our private worlds.

It just comes down to the fact that I’d rather have one dollar instead of 100 pennies. I’d like one crisp bill instead of a handful of change that's pulling me underwater.

1. One friend might cause a scene; 100 friends are a full-scale drama.

2. One friend is just one person to please; 100 friends means you’ll never please yourself.

3. One friend is a sister; 100 friends are barely acquaintances.

4. One friend is the perfect birthday gift; 100 friends are carbon-copy wall posts.

5. One friend is big ideas; 100 friends are a bunch of small talk.

6. One friend is brunch reservations; 100 friends are never getting a f*cking table.

7. One friend is plans; 100 friends are obligations.

8. One friend is a shared secret; 100 friends are no secrets kept.

9. One friend is sharing something real; 100 friends are sharing an Instagram post with 30 likes.

10. One friend is meaningful conversation; 100 friends are that group chat you mute.

11. One friend is a fight; 100 friends are all-out war.

12. One friend is an ear; 100 friends are too many people in yo' business.

13. One friend is dinner dates; 100 friends are being stuck on the end.

14. One friend is splitting the bill, 100 friends are throwing way too many bills on someone else’s Mai Thais.

15. One friend is a debate; 100 friends are a courtroom.

16. One friend is a sleepover; 100 friends are a hard floor and no sleep.

17. One friend is a partner in crime; 100 friends are just trouble.

18. One friend is perfect for walks; 100 friends are out of pace.

19. One friend is a good time; 100 friends are too much time.

20. One friend is someone to laugh with; 100 friends are a joke taken too far.

21. One friend is shared meals; 100 friends are no room at the table.

22. One friend has your back; 100 friends talk behind it.

23. One friend is a thriller; 100 friends are just scary.

24. One friend is gold; 100 friends are diggers.

25. One friend is special moments; 100 friends are disposable ones.

26. One friend is kicking ass; 100 friends are a pain in the ass.

27. One friend is a thoughtful gift; 100 friends are an empty wallet.

28. One friend is 100 stories; 100 friends are one big lie.

29. One friend is always there; 100 friends you can't get away from.

30. One friend is easy-going; 100 friends are easy to piss off.

31. One friend is like your favorite whiskey; 100 friends are a bad hangover.

32. One friend has your back; 100 friends are just trying to front.

33. One friend is a wingman; 100 friends are competition.

34. One friend fits the frame; 100 friends don't make the cut.

35. One friend is an adventure; 100 friends are getting lost.

36. One friend is clarity; 100 friends are a headache.

37. One friend saves your life; 100 friends don't even save you a seat.